I'm at LAX.
And I don't want to be. Preferably, I'd still be in my nice snug bed at the Beverly Hilton, where I spent far too little time.
Instead, I am eating pretzels and peanut m&m's for breakfast because the Starbucks line is insanely long and I have three times as much stuff as I got here with that I don't feel like lugging with me.
I am flying to Texas. And I don't want to be.
I am going to be tired and crabby and hungry...because I am pissed at the bride for giving my personal information to a creeper, I would rather stay in Los Angeles, and I've had about 3 hours sleep a night since Monday night, if that.
I like it here. I mean I really like "I could live here" like it here. I didn't before, the first time I came here. Same thing with New York. But the last few months, since my future imploded ( for the best), visiting New York and LA has made me feel displaced. I love Orlando...I really do. But I have been complacent and let my life stagnate and there is an energy in these places I don't feel or have at home.
I wonder if it's the excitement of it. You know, I'm on vacation and have these big plans to do these awesome things, and so it's amazing. Perhaps if I lived there and things calmed down, the excitement would wear off. I don't know.
I'm not unhappy. You know, things are ok, settling down. I'm just...I guess restless. I want to do what is going to make me happy, truly. I'm doing a lot of superficial things that are...but you know, that's temporary. It's a good start to taking care of myself. But I want to take the next step. I want to figure out what it is that has been so elusive to me, both personally and professionally. The a-ha moment where it dawns on me that this- THIS!- is what I want, want I'm supposed to be doing, is my goal right now.
At least I can tell you definitively what I DON'T want...and that is to board this plane and fly to Dallas.
Yeehaw!
(But not really)
;)
