Hindsight

Do you ever look back at someone you once loved and think, 'What the fuck was wrong with me?'

Yeah, me too.

;)

A new kind of fear...

A couple of days ago, the evilest of men murdered 27 people at an elementary school in Connecticut. 20 of them were 6 and 7 year old children.
The age Dylan is.
A year or two older than my niece is.
An age where they are still innocent, still wondrous, still trusting.

Long ago, the rest of us were robbed of that innocence and wonder.

We lived through 9-11.
We lived through Columbine.
We lived through the shooting at the Amish school, at the Batman movie, just last week at the mall in Oregon.

We learned that you cannot-should not- trust blindly.

Mostly people are good, but some are so bad that the rest of us simply cannot fathom.

It makes me afraid in a way I never was before, because really, truly, none of us are safe anywhere.

I eye the exits in movie theaters now, like I never did before.

I will linger a bit longer when I drop the kids off at school, watching.

Except we just can't know what we are watching for, can we?

What makes a person snap and how do we head it off? How do we protect kids, ourselves?

Stricter gun laws, less media attention...maybe both, maybe neither.

And that's what makes this so unsettling, so terrifying.

We can ask for answers, beg for answers.

There are NO answers.

20 babies are dead.

20 sets of parents are ruined.

Countless siblings, family members, friends, strangers mourn what happened.

We can't fix it. We can't seem to make it stop happening.

This has been my week:

My dad has cancer. It's going to be ok. It was caught early. It's treatable. But, you know, my dad has cancer.

My boss had a biopsy, no results yet, but she made me promise that if she dies, I'll take care of the kids. She said, "You don't need any babies, you already have two."  Well, you know except that I'd like a few that came out of my body and not hers. And like, way to be weird and insensitive with a super serious request.

The cowboy couple is pregnant already. It's been 3.8 seconds. And the news was delivered with the following "I pray you find someone soon so you can have this too."

Where do I fucking find these people?

Surprisingly, given the set of shitbag circumstances, I'm in a fairly decent mood. I feel like cooking and baking and doing Christmasy shit. Why not? Life's too short to be pissed off.  I feel like I figured out some stuff that has been knawing at me. I feel like things are what they are. I can change them or accept them, but complacent misery isn't going to fix anything. So I'm choosing not to be miserable :)

Ho Ho Ho.

So, this happened...

There's this guy...

And you already know its going to be a mess.

You already know that I'm not so good at the whole no strings thing.

No, let me rephrase. I'm REALLY good at it...for the guy. For me, my stupid heart always gets involved.

And you already know I went and did it anyways. And oh, well, maybe I kind of didn't realize that I actually like him.

Here's all the things wrong with him:

He's immature.
He's got an over inflated opinion of himself.
He is NOT a voice over actor, despite what he said, lol.
His hair is sort of ridiculous.
He annoys the shit out of me.
My best friend is his boss.

That's kind of a partial list.

There's NO reason I should like him.

So, I guess that's what I'm going to go with. There's NO reason I should like him.

Except that I do.

And it's just such an epically bad idea that I don't know what to do with that.

Probably I should've figured that out before I went and tangled myself up.

California Dreaming...and Yeehaw!

I'm at LAX.

And I don't want to be. Preferably, I'd still be in my nice snug bed at the Beverly Hilton, where I spent far too little time.

Instead, I am eating pretzels and peanut m&m's for breakfast because the Starbucks line is insanely long and I have three times as much stuff as I got here with that I don't feel like lugging with me. 

I am flying to Texas. And I don't want to be.

I am going to be tired and crabby and hungry...because I am pissed at the bride for giving my personal information to a creeper, I would rather stay in Los Angeles, and I've had about 3 hours sleep a night since Monday night, if that.

I like it here. I mean I really like "I could live here" like it here. I didn't before, the first time I came here. Same thing with New York. But the last few months, since my future imploded ( for the best), visiting New York and LA has made me feel displaced. I love Orlando...I really do. But I have been complacent and let my life stagnate and there is an energy in these places I don't feel or have at home.

I wonder if it's the excitement of it. You know, I'm on vacation and have these big plans to do these awesome things, and so it's amazing. Perhaps if I lived there and things calmed down, the excitement would wear off. I don't know.

I'm not unhappy. You know, things are ok, settling down. I'm just...I guess restless. I want to do what is going to make me happy, truly. I'm doing a lot of superficial things that are...but you know, that's temporary. It's a good start to taking care of myself. But I want to take the next step. I want to figure out what it is that has been so elusive to me, both personally and professionally. The a-ha moment where it dawns on me that this- THIS!- is what I want, want I'm supposed to be doing, is my goal right now.

At least I can tell you definitively what I DON'T want...and that is to board this plane and fly to Dallas. 

Yeehaw!
(But not really)
;)

Trying to turn it off...

So much on my mind...so many things I'm thinking about...I wish I could just turn it all off for a little while.

How am I supposed to get any sleep when I can't stop thinking?

I just went and made a big mistake.

Without really thinking how this was going to make me feel, I found out how my ex proposed to his current gf.

Why the fuck would I have gone there?  

And to be clear, I know if it had been me, he'd be fucking around on me the same way he's tried to fuck around on her WITH me. But still, it was information I didn't want or need...and now I can't not know it.

Sometimes you forget that people remember...

So this weekend I came upon someone from my past.

And sometimes you don't realize that you had an impact on people the same way they did on you.

I didn't see him, but he thought he saw me...and so like we do, he Facebook messaged me..."Are you here?"

I didn't see it until he was gone, but we talked back and forth a little bit and it was nice.

It was nice to be remembered. And more than that, it was nice TO remember. A lot of my life has been craziness, I'll admit...but when you can step away and look back fondly, that's a great feeling.

Sad but true...

The nicest thing Stewart ever did for me, he did after we broke up.

Perhaps if he'd tried that hard when we were together, I wouldn't have broken up with him.

Either way, I have 2 iPads now...one for each hand, lol.

And in other unrelated better news:

Cory bought his tickets for LA and Dallas yesterday. Our whirlwind birthday trip cause we want to/wedding trip cause we have to is on.

We are beside ourselves with excitement!!!

My mom will be here in about 4 days...

Hanson concert Tuesday...

Mickey's Not So Scary Friday...

Halloween...

The Script concert...

Counting Crows concert...

My birthday (Avengers cake...hint hint hint!)...

And then, the big, amazing trip...

Nothing to complain about.

:)

I made a decision a week or so ago. I am taking myself to California for my birthday.

Cory and I are going to go to Disneyland and ride the Haunted Mansion and Pirates...go to Cars Land...eat soft pretzels shaped like Mickey Mouse. Maybe I'll buy some ears and wear them all day long.

Then we'll do some sightseeing in LA and eat somewhere fabulous and do some more fabulous things and toast me turning 23 (again).

Right in this moment...I am absolutely, positively, heartbreakingly certain that I made the right decision.

Every single solitary penny that that trip costs is going to have been worth it because I fucking deserve it.

Sometimes, someone twists a knife you didn't even realize was still there.

Awkward. Really awkward.

Life is funny...and disturbing.

Seriously.

What is it about me and all the wrong men at all the wrong times?

Last night, I finally started telling the mutual friends I have with Stewart that we'd broken up. I talked to Mackenzie about it for awhile.  And then an hour or so later, I get an fb message from her husband that says, "What happened?"

I gave him the short order story, so as not to make Stewart-his friend and colleague- sound like the total douche that he is.

And somehow, that transitioned to "Stewart is an idiot...I wish I had a chance with you. Things would have been different.". And then further into how he is unhappy in his marriage, do I think he's attractive...oh my god, what the fuck is happening here?

Is Luke adorable? Sure.
And he's 21.
Oh, and he's married to my friend.

All kinds of wrong wrapped up in this.

I mean, its flattering, I won't lie. But come on, universe...throw me a bone here. This is crazy. And I don't want to be out in any more uncomfortable of a position.

Usually I just seem to have random dreams, no real significant theme that I can remember.

The last week or so though, I've had a few nights of dreams where a theme or symbol is evident.


Last night I dreamt of a tornado. I was in a school, you know with long corridors and lots of glass. Memphis was there and was in my room, which was at the opposite end of where I was. I ran to get her, and ran back to the hallway. There were tons of people. I also had a baby I responsible for. She wasn't mine, but she was somehow related to me. We all ended up safe in the end.

The dream journal says this could represent quick change, a journey, a moving forward or upward in my life...especially if I survived the tornado and the dream ended positively. It did, so I'm taking that as a good sign.


My mom is coming down to visit me in another week, which is also awesome. Sometimes you just need your mom. Doesn't matter how old you are. I am looking forward to a nice week of fun and making memories. I sound like a Hallmark commercial.

It's Friday, and I have a bunch of weekend plans, and I'll be super happy when the weekend actually starts after work today. Today is going to be a bit of a challenge...7 kids myself. I hope she doesn't think much else is getting done, lol.

Other than that, woohoo, look at me...made it through another week :)
One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other, and all is well.

Tiny victories

Today has been a good day.

First and foremost, the man that killed my friend Damien was apprehended. That doesn't bring him back...but it brings some peace to the people that cared about him. I know you are singing in heaven, Damien. I know you are happy.

Second, I took another step forward in my quest for inner peace. I made a compromise I could live with out of this wedding situation. The bride is pissed off. I'm relieved. I'm doing what I can personally handle. That's all I can do and all anyone can ask of me.

Third, I'm giving myself a lovely, amazing birthday present, because I deserve it...and that makes me really happy!

Does this make me a horrible person?

I'm supposed to be in this wedding.

I'm the MOH.

When I think about it, I am consumed with the burning hatred of a thousand suns.

I desperately...and I mean desperately, do not want to go.

My first reasons are maybe superficial, but nonetheless valid. Last year for her birthday I sent flowers and perfume. She asked me 75 times what I wanted...and then didn't even send a fucking card. That just pisses me off. I didn't need flowers and perfume, but for fucks sake, at least a card. And it is worse when you make a big deal about sending something and then never do.  What does that tell you about the one sidedness of our friendship?

Second, the wedding is 3 fucking days after my birthday. I don't WANT to spend my birthday making favors or any other last minute wedding bullshit. I'd like to spend it with tequila shots, an Avengers cake, and thinking about a trip I actually WANT to take. Her fiance's bday is 2 days after mine. And she just sent out a rehearsal dinner invite that says rehearsal dinner/ bday celebration. That pisses me the fuck off. Petty? Maybe. But it's just rude. It's MY fucking birthday too. This is the first one in about 14 years I've been allowed to actually enjoy...and this is fucking it up.

Third, it's bleeding me of money that I don't have...and even if I did, this is the last thing I want to spend it on. Because I know that my time and effort will never ever be reciprocated. I'm tired of doing one sided relationships, friends or otherwise.

Fourth, I just broke up with a douche tool that I thought I was going to marry. Do you think I have any desire whatsoever to go to a wedding right now? Especially one where, knowing her so well, she will miss no opportunity to make backhanded comments that are designed to look sweet and sincere and end up making me feel worse.

Fifth, she is bound and determined to take my life down into the Texas shitter with her by attempting to fix me up with every single redneck she knows. One even admitted to me that his objective, per her instructions, was to "get you to move to Texas." I do not wish to be the booby prize for every single guy there. I do not wish to move to Texas. I especially do not wish to sleep with anyone she fixes me up with because despite having known me for damn near 30 years, she STILL ignores my type to push guys on me that fit her agenda. That's fucked up and annoying.

I don't want to go. I DO NOT WANT TO GO. At all.

And I can't think of any good excuse or reason to get out of it except that I just plain don't want to be there and don't care.

At some point I have to take care of myself. Going to this shitshow is NOT the way to do that.

Hmmm...

When you hit this epiphany...like I did the other day, it's strange.

Like I said, I'm ok. I don't need to be fixed. I AM OK.

And now it's like a mantra. And it's really making me want to take care of myself.

If I don't want to do something, I don't and I won't.

It's making me not care about anyone else. Maybe that's good. Maybe it's not.

Yeah.

A long time ago, I became an expert at self-preservation. I mean, I can take a fucking lot...and I have, but at some point, you tell yourself, ok cowgirl, that's enough, we're shutting down this shit show now.

When all the shit happened with shewhoshallnotbenamed more than 10 years ago, that happened. One day I was done with caring, done with crying, done with feeling pretty much anything. I woke up, I went through the motions, and put one foot in front of the other. And that's what I concentrated on...one foot in front of the other, keep going forward, and eventually, you're going to get there. "There" being back to who you were before the shut down.  And you know what, it took me a REALLY LONG TIME to get there. Years. Years.

Part of the true catalyst for really healing was finally stepping out of the entire life that she had been a part of. Because being involved with her brother was toxic. Walking into his house on Christmas morning and having to face her was toxic. Even though I knew I'd spent far more time there than she had....even though I knew he disliked her pretty damn near as much as I did, she was STILL his sister and he played at keeping the peace because he probably also feared her wrath as much as I did. I loved him, so I had to try. I love him still, but as a fond part of my past. The healthiest thing I ever did for myself was walking away.

And I was feeling again, in a way I hadn't allowed myself to do in years. That 2011 summer of asshole...it SUCKED. But you know what? I cried. A lot. I felt bad. Horrible, actually, and I learned to lean on friends I hadn't been able to lean on before. As awful as it was, it meant that I'd gotten through all that other bullshit, finally-FINALLY. I felt again, and let myself feel. And I learned that sometimes people hurt you and you need to step the fuck away from those people. I have a hard time doing that.

Actually, let me clarify. I realize I have an almost impossible time stepping away from people in my life that REALLY TRULY deserve it. The more fucked up you treat me, the harder I'm going to try to change that, the more I'm going to do for you. The people I have an easier time stepping away from are the ones that maybe DON'T deserve to be written off so quickly. And I think that's because those are the people I trust to have my back implicitly. I don't worry about them hurting me because I never imagine its in them to do it. And when they sometimes do...it's like getting the wind knocked out of you. Oh, well fuck, I see, I can't count on you either. You can literally punch me, kick me, bite me, pull out my hair and I'll keep coming back for more. You disappoint me and I can't even look you in the eye.

The past few weeks have been a full on fucking roller coaster. I broke up with Stewart, and yet continue to deal with him and his refusal to acknowledge that our relationship is finished. I had an amazing vacation in NYC, and yet it opened my eyes to the opportunities I'd given up in deference to other people's ideas of what my life ought to be like. My friend died a sad, horrible, senseless, violent death...and in addition to the emotions of losing him, I was put squarely back into the middle of the very life I fought my way out of so hard. I had to deal with deciding whether or not I was emotionally ready to face those people at his funeral, and what good would come out of it if I did. I had to decide to put myself first. And, I took a 36 hour trip to Dallas that I absolutely didn't want to keep secret...wanted to fucking shout to everyone about because I was excited, but had to keep it under wraps for a whole host of reasons, both mine and my travel buddy's. I had to deal with mourning the loss of the future I was expecting to have with Stewart. That wedding I was thinking I was going to have...the wedding he TOLD me we were going to have...yeah, clearly not happening. That baby I was expecting to be pregnant with by the end of this year...that I was expecting to be buying presents from Santa for by next...also clearly not happening.  Oh, and my math class, because to be clear, that's a whole other bag of stress. It's a lot.

And so when I walked in the house on Sunday, having slept maybe 5 hours combined since Thursday night, hungover, just off a flight from Texas...I was in no mood or position to do really anything but sleep. And instead,  I got myself into a position where I felt that ok, we are shutting down this shit show mentality set in, and I did. I cried half Sunday night, half Monday morning, and then I shut the fuck down. Dead eyes. No interest in talking to anyone. Feeling fucking judged and robbed of the one god damn thing that was making me feel any sort of better. The only thing I was feeling was FURY.
And the desire to just be left alone.

I had a date last night and I forced myself to go on it. I'm glad I did, because it was nice. He was nice. He says we will have dinner again. We'll see. I have no expectations anymore, but I enjoyed his company and he's adorable.

More importantly, it reinforces what I told everyone I spoke to on Monday. Stop trying to fix me. I KNOW what my issues are. You can listen. You can advise. But you can't demand. You can't expect. You can't force my transformations onto your timeline. And if I continue to do whatever it is you think I ought to change, well you know what? It's my life. I'm 35. I've gotten this far, pretty damn much on my own, so I think I'm good.

I triumphed over an eating disorder, and I LIKE myself the way I am, mostly ;),
I got out of some shitty relationships.
I'm trying to be less of a doormat.
I'm ok, with all my quirks, just the way I am.
I do not need to change for anyone, nor do I need to change anything about me.
I love diet coke, and dolls, and celebrities, and watching the same movie 4 times in a row, and Harry Potter, and being spontaneous, and my dog sleeps in my bed, and if I love you I will do anything for you and probably more than I should, I love Peter Pan and I'm like Peter Pan, and I love Debbie Gibson, and boy bands, and movies like Cool As Ice and Spice World, and I never go in a store and skip the toy department, and I can eat ice cream for every meal and sometimes I do, and I ran a marathon just so I could do something my brother never did, and my car is always a mess, and my room is usually a mess, and I hate things I have to do like going to the bank or getting an oil change, and I can go to Disney every day, and I'm not afraid of flying, or traveling alone, or going to places I've never been,or having adventures, or going to the movies by myself, in fact sometimes travelling alone or going to the movies alone is better than being with someone, and I hate popcorn and onions, and mushrooms and celery and mustard and hot dogs and Pepsi and Mexican food and sandwiches unless I make them, and roller coasters if they have big drops, and I take the cheese off pizza and I eat fries with a fork because I hate how grease feels on my fingers, and I write fanfic and I have for years and read it too, and I love to cook but hate to bake, and Halloween is my favorite holiday and I will never not want a party for my birthday and I will never not want a cake that has plastic toys on it that I can have once the cake is finished, and I hate beer and wine but love tequila, and I'd wear Ugg boots everyday of my life if I could 98* or not, and I'd rather wear a dress or sweats than anything else, I hate wearing socks.

Those are all things about me. Some are normal, some maybe not so normal. But that's means I'm not fucking changing for ANYONE. Take me or leave me...but either way, you have no choice but to accept me, because I'm OK.

Strange love

Things that are funny: discussing baby names with someone you aren't in a relationship with...but never with the man you were. And for the record... We agree.

Friday! Oh, welcome Friday!

I made it to Friday. My head hasn't exploded...yet.  That being said, I have had several "so excited I'm about to pee my pants" moments.  And a few of those "so excited your heart jumps into your throat and you can't speak" moments thrown in for good measure.

I got my nails done, dress, shoes, and jewelry (courtesy of Jamie) ready to go.

Now, if I can make it through to 5pm...it's on.


Jamie and time the best text message ever this morning.  It said, "In 36 hours you'll be sitting in his lap.". Hahahahahaha...we'll see ;)

I feel like She-Ra

So, I made two big moves today.

1. I changed my relationship status to single. I wish single and kind of don't give a fuck was a choice, cause I'd have checked that. Either way, my name is no longer on Stewart's page. He's currently in a relationship with no one, which is accurate.

2. I changed my Netflix password. He wants to watch movies on the fucking iPad I gave him, he can pay for that shit himself.

I feel pretty empowered. I don't need him. Didn't need him...and the fact that truthfully the last two weeks have been so full of power, promise, and self-discovery should tell me all I need to know.

I also finally told my boss that I broke up with him. I'm pretty sure she felt worse than I did. I had to console her. It's been 3 weeks, lol, for real, I'm good.

And I am.

I feel good about me. I feel good about taking care of me. I feel good about doing the things that make me happy and being unapologetic for it. You don't have to understand what makes me tick...but you do have to respect me and my choices. And if you want to remain in my life, you have to be as supportive of me as I am of you.

:)

Taking care of myself :)

Again, in the learning process of self-discovery, I'm figuring out how to take care of myself. I mean, really take GOOD care of ME before anyone else.

I'm learning how to say "no" when I need to and that even if saying no bothers someone else, if it's the healthiest thing for me, than so be it. Finally, and for once, I need to put myself first.

I'm realizing that not only is my life ok, it's good, and it's getting better because I'm going to stop stressing/obsessing about things like marriage and babies. I'll have a baby. Eventually. And I'll get married or I won't. I kind of don't care right now. And I'm going to stop letting other people's ideas for what my life should be affect me. Take me for what I am, and stop trying to make me something I'm not.

:)

Musings...

It's Monday...and this is the best mood I have been in on a Monday in 150 years.  Ok, maybe not that long, but for real, I haven't been this giddy in a Monday in forever.  I told Jamie this morning that if my excitement level rises at the same pace this whole week, my head is going to explode long before Friday gets here.

I had a good weekend, even with laying Damien to rest. Tasha and I talked about the crazy days, remembered him, listened to his music...still so hard to wrap my head around, that he's gone...but he will live on in our hearts.

I met a couple of my online friends and we saw a movie Saturday afternoon. The Bourne Legacy. Yes, again. If I like a movie I can watch it 50 times, particularly if I happen to have a mad crush on the lead actor ;)

Yesterday I went on a solo mission to the Florida Mall and tried on about 20 dresses.  I got mega discouraged until I hit up Macy's and found THE dress. It's AMAZING. I knew when I put it on I'd know, and I put this one on and BAM! So, it was fruitful.

I had breakfast with Randy this morning and laughed a lot...and laughing is good. I've been laughing more the last few weeks.

Tomorrow is Avengers day. Finally. So, tomorrow after work will be a snuggle down in my bed with Memphis kind of night while we watch The Avengers and then, if I'm honest, watch it again.

I'm ahead in my humanities class. I'm passing-ish my math class.

I can't complain.  This week, I really can't.

Cinderella in need of a Fairy Godmother.

Sunday annoyance:

I have a super hot dress that I wasted on Stewart's army ball last year...when I could have saved it and worn it for something and someone more important ;)

Alas, I did not, and so I'm on a dress hunt. I've bought one and ordered one but I'm not sure I'm sold on either.

Off to the mall, I guess :/

"We're Not Normal". Quote of the day...

You know...I'm not normal, and my life is not normal. And that is NOT a bad thing after all.

I've decided to quit trying to be normal. To quit trying to fit into some mold I feel like I ought to fit into.

I'm just going to embrace the fact that I'm sherbet...with sprinkles, and not vanilla. (Thanks, Jamie)

I'm going to have my adventures...because that is WHO I AM.

And I'm not apologizing for it anymore.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do a little bit of shopping.

Tuesday Bluesday

Today, I am depressed. And that's ok. I am thinking about Damien and how he isn't here anymore.
I'm thinking about the more than one time he told me to stop wishing my life away...to stop counting down to the next thing and enjoy what's before me right now. I don't do that enough. Damien lived an amazing, full, rich life. He didn't waste his time being mad, or unhappy...he went after the things he wanted with great gusto and positivity and was thankful for the things he'd already been given.

But I am depressed. Because he's gone. And because I'm standing in a life I don't want and never thought I'd end up with. And I have to change that. I'm just not so sure how.

I spent a lot of years on Chris...years I would never trade and never change. For all the bad, they were good. They were magic. They are all my amazing memories...some funny, some crazy. I don't regret any of it one little bit. I'd do it all again.

I'm furious at Stewart right now. I mean, I shouldn't be, but I am. I furious because I thought he was the home at the end of a long journey. The place where you finally put your feet up and rest your head, and know you are safe and loved.  Last night he said that "the timing wasn't the greatest" for my friend to be murdered...because HE is too busy to deal with my pain right now. I was floored by that comment. I mean, this is not a man that would ever or could ever be depended upon. I know it, and I knew it...but I'm still floored.

I feel lost and floating again...and just maybe a little mad at everyone, myself included, for never taking me into account. For passing off the way THEY think things should have been as more important than what I wanted or want for myself. I'm 35 and I'm nothing...and my life is nothing...and  it seems like it was all so exciting and glamorous and it WAS...but it was always just me running away because I felt so fucking trapped by everyone's expectations of me.

I had the most amazing 3 days in NYC last week. I felt better than I had in so long. Everything in the air felt so full of promise and possibility. Is it too late for me to be what I wanted to be when I grew up? Is it too late for me to start at the beginning and still have the life I wanted?

Sometimes it feels like it is. If I try, though, I know I'll succeed. It's just taking that step out the door and into the unknown.

I'm going to have my own fucking adventure now.

NYC

Here is the saga of NYC in a nutshell:

Friday:
-Lunch at Jane in Soho. I had toasted ricotta gnocchi with truffle crema. A-fucking-making. And housemade blackberry soda to drink. The restaurant was so chic they didn't even have regular coke or Pepsi, lol.
- Tour of the International Culinary Center. They fed us scones and turmeric curry raisin bread. They showed us the library with 4,000 cookbooks. They showed us chefs, and walls of fame, and kitchens, and everyone was amazingly nice. It made me sad that I didn't go to culinary school when I was younger. It made me wonder if it's too late.
-We walked back almost 5 miles on my bum foot...but it was ok, we took our time and stopped for gelato. I had passion fruit and amaretto; Tina had lemon and berry. We shared. All 4 favors we're to die for.
- We stopped in Crumbs and bought  a half dozen cupcakes which we ate slowly all weekend.
- We went to Toys R Us and rode the ferris wheel.
- We went to see If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet. We were blown away. We met Annie Funke, the lead actress, and told she was amazing. We met Jake Gyllenhaal. I took a picture with him while Christina practiced her s & m skills on his bicep. We had a drink with Annie. And Jake showed up.
- We met Rebecca, Dave and the kids. We drank some more.
- We went to a liquor store and went to Paula's apartment, where we sat on the rooftop in the middle of the city, drank some more, and contemplated moving there.
- We  walked back to the amazingly located hotel and bought some pizza, which we ate chased by cupcakes at 3 or 4am.
 - We tried to sleep...but just kept repeating "Jake fucking Gyllenhaal" back and forth and laughing for a good hour.

Saturday:
- Breakfast at 128 Stage Restaurant. This is the diner that Jeremy Renner's character owned and lived in on The Unusuals. I was beyond excited. We had banana pancakes and cornedbeef hash. All delicious.
- We went to American Girl where I bought souvenirs, of course.
- We went to 30 Rock and took the NBC Tour and met Bill Hader while looking at the SNL set. The tour guide says that has never happened to her before...a star coming out to meet the group. Tina and I were not surprised.
- We went to the top of the building even though we are both afraid of heights. We were not afraid. We even went to the highest level, the one without the glass protective barriers. We were on top of the world, literally and figuratively.
- We went to Jacques Torres and had chocolates...one each, and shared halves. Passion Fruit and Alize with dark chocolate and green tea dark chocolate. They were so good, we cried. We really did.
- We went to Eataly. We bought pastries. We ate cheese and charcuterie...we drank more fancy soda...we walked around, taking it all in...imagined moving to NYC some more.
- We walked back...went to the Disney Store where Tina got one of the last Maleficent dolls.
- We went to Hershey.
- We went to Milk Bar and got compost cookies and a pretzel milkshake.
- We went to a comic store and I found my Hawkeye figure.
- We went to Newsies where we got drunk and I cried tears of fucking utter joy.
- We literally ran to Esca...where you have to get reservations a month in advance...but we secured some that day cause we're awesome, lol. We drank bellini's...crostini compliments of the chef...crispy pumpkin flower salad...heirloom tomato and housemade mozzarella salad....gnocchi and eggplant...tiny desserts. We changed our waiter's name from Ferhat to Gianni.
- We wanted to drink some more and walking back, ran into Adam Duritz. I nearly peed my pants.
- We went to some bars and finally to Starbucks and sat in Time Square for half the night. Tina said the only way the trip could be better was if money fell from the sky. We turned a corner, looked down, and a $20 bill was on the ground. This really happened,
- We decided we wanted to go to a psychic. We turned a corner and there one was...but walter we walked up four flights of stairs and they turned rickety and crooked and a boy that looked like the kid from The Shining ran out, we booked it out of there.
- Went back to the hotel and ate more cupcakes and watched The Unusuals on my IPad. Too wired to sleep. Made reservations at The Russian Tearoom for Sunday brunch...read the menu...changed our minds.

Sunday:
 - Went to Brooklyn Diner for breakfast and ate red velvet waffles.
- Went to Crumbs and bought more cupcakes.
- Took in the city and thought about moving some more.
- Headed to the airport.

Epic. Epic. Epic weekend.

For Damien.

I have a lot to say about New York...and I'll get to that tomorrow. But for now, I have something else to talk about.

On Saturday night, my friend Damien was murdered.

He was more filled with joy and positivity and light than any other human being I have ever met.

He did not have an unkind word for anyone, and for anyone that did him wrong, he prayed.

He believed in the goodness of everyone and posted almost daily on his Facebook some message about life being too short and loving each other and forgiveness.

Damien was one of the best people I was ever lucky enough to know.

I am sick and sad, but I know that he is smiling down on all of his friends and family. He will be our guardian angel now.

R.I.P. Damien...one love.

It's all good.

I'm at the airport, an hour away from an NYC bound flight. I am fucking ecstatic. I mean, I am going to New York for 3 days and I feel like I'm about embark on an African Safari adventure or some other equally amazing trip...but I don't care, I'm excited.

I've been to NYC 6 or 7 times...it's nothing new. But I've never been with Christina, I've never seen a show, I've never gone and just had no agenda except to have a wonderful time. And she and I, well, we both need a wonderful time.

I broke up with Stewart a week ago today. He doesn't even know that yet. That's a whole other long story, but I'm not kidding. And that's the issue with the whole relationship. I've ended things and he doesn't even know because he is too busy worrying about himself to worry about me at all. But even that's ok, because I do an alright job of taking care of myself.

So this weekend, I'm going to laugh, and eat, and shop, and pay $17 for a margarita, and revel in the fact that maybe there are some things missing from my life, but damn it, I can fly off to NYC for the weekend anytime I want...and I don't have to justify it to anyone.

Instead of worrying about all the shit, I don't have, I'm going to enjoy what I do. :)

And here is why Thursday sucked...

First of all, my foot is driving me nuts. I don't want to be sitting around, unable to run, or walk around Disney, or anywhere for that matter. It's irritating already and it's been 2 days. It's going to be a long few months. FML


Second of all, I stopped in Walgreens on my way home from work last night to get some AdvilPM, and when I got back in the car the damn a/c fan wasn't working again. When it rains, it pours, right? So now I have to figure that out. Kia can take their Soul and shove it,

Third of all, I knew it last night, the end had come...I'm breaking up with Stewart. I just have to, you know, actually do it. Last  night was bad.


On an up note though, I bought an Avengers toy grab bag at Walgreens too. It supposedly contained one of  24 different miniature Avenger toys. I got a Hawkeye skateboard. Maybe things are looking up for today ;)

Random Shit

1. I'm officially obsessed with Tumblr. I mean I feel like I discovered some super awesome secret world.

2. I love my new haircut.

3. I am 95% certain I've got a stress fracture in my right foot. This couldn't suck more and couldn't have happened at a worse time. I hope I, wrong, but I don't think I am. Push yourself a little harder,  I told myself. FML

4. I am unsure how many people in my college classes got through 3rd grade, let alone into college. Real sentence in an assignment post: "Their selves different mines." Mine is ALREADY showing ownership, you don't need that s...ever. And Their selves? No words.

5. I could eat ice cream for every meal. And sometimes I do.

6. I need a new laptop. Mines doesn't work. ( You see what I did there?)

That's my random Wednesday post.

Here is where things start getting complicated again...

I love my boyfriend. I do. For so many reasons, both valid and probably not so valid. But, I do. And I never realized that you can be with someone, can love them, maybe be in love with them, but they are still wrong.  That the demise of a relationship can be slow and quiet and sneak up on you, can happen without a fight or someone cheating...can just happen.

I'm not sure if that is where we are...I'm not sure of anything, except that maybe the continuation of the circle that leads back to this question should tell me something.

After my last trip to Texas, I was in a fighting mood. I love him and I was going to fight for this and make it work, because here's the thing...I know it COULD work. I know it would work, and that even as I type this, to him, it IS working. It's fine.

But the unfortunate reality is that I don't want fine. I never have. I want rainbows and hearts and unicorns and fireworks. And I don't mean that I want or expect a perfect relationship. That I don't understand that there will be problems and that we won't always agree on things. What I mean is that, I want him to make me feel like even during those not so great times, there's still no else he'd rather be with, rather fight with, rather make up with. I want to feel like in 40 years, he will say to our daughter "I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to your mom..." the way my dad has said that to me about mine. And I just don't know if he's that guy...if he even has that in him to express, or at worst, even feel. Sometimes I get a glimpse of who he is if he could open up, but that's all it is, a fleeting glimpse. He loves me, I know he does...but I want a love that burrows in and builds a home in our hearts that keeps expanding and growing. His love is there, but never seems to expand, never seems to grow, feels taken for granted sometimes, neglected sometimes.  And that sad reality is, I know he can't really help that, it's who he is and how he was raised, and it's not bad, it's just different from me. Maybe too different.

So it leaves me contemplative and sad and unsettled.

And in conjunction with this, I have been having some very serious thoughts lately on the possibility of having a baby with a good friend of mine. That at this stage in the game, given the choice between him and my boyfriend, he is the better choice. He and I are more alike, share more common values, fit comfortably together into the same group of friends that not only love and accept us both, but seem to excitedly embrace the idea of us coparenting. In a way that is both good and bad, in my heart I know that given the choice, he is the right choice. I know that not everyone in my life, perhaps even my family...or his...will not be behind us. But even that doesn't scare me.  We wouldn't need the acceptance of anyone that doesn't understand that we wanted a baby so much, had so much love to give. Neither of us can make a baby alone, and although either of us could technically raise one alone, wouldn't together be better? And wouldn't it help weed out anyone in our futures that weren't going to be worth our time anyways?

It leaves me at a crossroads heading in three directions. I can work on things with Stewart...wait till he is out of the army because really only then can I have a full view of our life together. I can continue to think about going this coparenting route with Cory. Or, I can move along a new road by myself and see what's down there.

I'm just not sure.

Bleeding money...

This is the most stressful time of the year...waiting on those school loans and grants to kick in so I can return to my regularly scheduled life. Since I worked 75% less than usual this summer, I am pretty much screwed right now. There are things I need and things I want...and every penny is accounted for right now and there just are not enough pennies. This sucks.

I'm in a New York state of mind...

I'm going to New York in 18 days and meeting up with my lifelong friend Christina. I am, truth be told, high on this trip. I didn't realize how much I needed this adventure until the idea came up.

Everything fell into place. There is a rumor that Jeremy Renner is going to host the season premiere of SNL. I got to thinking how I was sure a piece of me might die if I didn't at least TRY to go. And then, I find out the family I work for is going to NYC that very weekend. And the wheels started turning. Within about an hour of this hitting my radar, Tina was on board, and by the evening, we had flights coming in and departing within a half hour of each other.

We are going to spend too much, eat too much, drink too much, stay up too late, and "find Fluffy". If you've ever seen Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, you know what I am talking about.

Here's the thing...my life used to be a hell of a lot more adventurous than it is now. And really, I want it this way. I LIKE it this way. But all through my 20's and early 30's, I had adventures every other weekend. I'd fly to Vegas, fly home for 3 days to do laundry, and fly right back for another week. I'd go to the coolest clubs in every city and pull up as Piddy Diddy was getting his car from valet. I'd go to NYC and fly home with a new wardrobe. I'd be at parties where my old roomie and I were literally the only non-famous people there. It was crazy. It was fun. It was my life. I don't miss it...but the adventures, the possibilities, every now and then I crave that. I get restless and obsessive if I don't have a "fix".

This trip to NYC...it's going to be amazing. It might be the the adventure to end all adventures...because if I get married soon, and have babies soon, then I know that my new adventures will be very different. And that's ok. I want that...but every now and then, I need to slip into that old Whit's shoes, and remember what she feels like and who she was for a long time.

September 14th needs to get here...I'm ready.

For Alix at 5

I feel like it was yesterday I was blogging about Alix turning 4, and here she is already turning 5! Whe has the year gone? Time is flying by so quickly and so much is changing.

This year, Alix became a big sister again in February. She moved from California back to Ohio...the 4th big move in her young life. She has grown even more into the beginning stages of becoming a young lady.

I love her, and Cade and Tatum, so much. I am so proud of them and incredibly blessed to be their Aunt and get to share in their lives. I am so excited to watch the woman she grows into and to see which direction her life will take her in. Actually, knowing Alix, it's more likely that she will be directing life ;)

I hope it's another happy birthday, the 5th of many...

We are just so lucky to have her!

American Reunion VS Bridesmaids

I have to admit, I kind of have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy. Words like penis, vagina, and fart almost always make me laugh (or at least internally snicker). I think gross things are amusing...so this morning when I watched American Reunion for the first time-the unedited version- I thought it was funny. And I thought of my brother watching it, because I knew my mom bought copies of it for us both. I knew he would like it too, but then a thought occurred to me. Neither he or his wife thought Bridesmaids was funny. I guess I can't comprehend how you can think the American Pie movies are funny but Bridesmaids isn't. They are pretty basically along he same lines...with two differences.

-1 Bridesmaids was actually a lot better, with some actual smart humor as opposed to just jokes and gags about sex and bodily function.
-2 Bridesmaids was about girls.

So, is that it? Are they discriminatory against women getting a laugh for being gross and sexual ? Is it funny for a guy to poop in a beer cooler, but not for a girl to poop in a sink? Is it funny for a guy to get sexually dissed by a girl that was supposed to be less than hot (she really was actually beautiful for the record...just not by Hollywood standards, I guess), but not funny for Kristen Wiig to fake orgasms with a jerk-off?

I don't know. It just kind of pissed me off,  because it seems clear to me that there is a gender stereotype they are perpetuating. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but seriously, if you didn't think Bridesmaids was any kind of funny, I think something in you is broken.

I could use some advice...

So, last night, as usual for a Thursday, my bosses were hammered. In the midst of the usual weekly conversation about how much they love me, they asked if I had health insurance. Well, of course I don't because you don't offer it and don't pay me enough to afford it.   And when I said no, I was told that they were going to seriously look into it for me...because they are in favor of Obamacare and want to put their money where their mouths are. Later in the conversation, they brought it up again...indicating that they were serious.

Today, they've apologized three times so far for how late they kept me and how drunk they were. I am afraid that they will either forget their promise or are bringing up how bad they were last night repeatedly to get themselves out of getting me health care. I am not going to let that happen.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to diplomatically bring this up and make sure it is addressed?

And...here's where things stand...and why I feel good.

I went to Texas last weekend. I needed to see Stewart, to spend some time with him, to talk to him...away from all the craziness and drama that has surrounded things all summer. I wasn't sure what to expect, but in all honesty my expectations were not high.

Because you can't have overnight guests at the barracks, I always stay at the same hotel when I visit. Because my flight was coming in late, I booked it under his name and told him to check in and wait for me there. I can literally walk there from the airport in less than 5 minutes, and I figured he'd be tired. I was expecting him to take me up on that and to likely be asleep by the time I got there. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to find him waiting for me at the airport...he was tired, he was sick with a bad cold, but instead of going and waiting in a comfy bed, he met me.  I also ate at the Dallas airport because again, I assumed he'd have eaten dinner without me. He didn't. He waited and took me to Applebee's. I was sort of astonished, and didn't admit to having already eaten. It was our 1 year anniversary too...and he said we'd celebrate during the weekend because it was so late.

And we did. We got ice cream, we had a nice dinner, he gave me a card sweeter than I would have assumed him capable of. But best of all, we talked more, about what some of the issues are/have been...and he listens to me, and is receptive, and really seems to be trying. While he's not perfect ( and neither am I, lol) he is making an effort, and really that's all I can ask.

I had a kind of secret bad attitude about the weekend, like maybe it was that John Mayer song, "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room".  I'd look out the window of the car and think, this will be the last time I am ever in El Paso. But then I'd look at my boyfriend...and realize that that in spite of everything, I love him. In spite of everything, he loves me. In spite of everything, I would be broken hearted if this man were not in my life. He's maybe an idiot, but he's MY idiot...and those rare sweet things he unexpectedly says, or the way he just puts his arm out when we are next to each other and waits for me to snuggle in, or the way he shakes his head and says 'yep' when it gets close to time for me to leave and neither of us know what to say...I love those things.

I want to fix this. I want to continue to work on myself and in turn, work on the relationship we have built. Relationships are not easy, neat, or perfect. They are hard and messy sometimes. They will drive you crazy, as he often does, and I'm sure as I often do to him in turn. But what I have taken out of this is that faced with so many opportunities to walk away, I have decided to stay, because I WANT to. Faced with the idea that there truly are more possibilities out there than I ever let myself realize before, I still want him over and above any of that.

I know it's a journey before us...any relationship is. But if I'm committing to taking it together, and working on it together, and he is...and we are both committed to working on our own issues for the greater good of us together, than this is going to be ok.

I am not stupid. I am not blind. My dad broke his engagement to my mom on her birthday. They were apart for two years before getting back together. I don't know that I'd have given him another chance, but she did. And  they have been happily married for going on 40 years. Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone is worth a second chance. But this idiot that I love is.

And that makes me feel better than I've felt all summer.

What a girl wants...

So, while I am still with my boyfriend, things have obviously not been going great. While we continue to work on things, I am also keeping an open mind if someone else were to come into my life. Or, a couple of someone else's as the case has been in the last few weeks. Let's recap: -John the douchebag. -The date that I didn't realize was a date, because I don't want to date you. -Andrew...turned into so much unnecessary drama by Kat in a 24 hour period that I now have no need for either of them in my life. -Ryan...we're talking now. Another tech, as if I haven't learned my lesson yet, but seems like it could be worth my time. We are supposed to have drinks when I get back from vacation. We'll see. Either way, he's pretty adorable. -And Boba Fett, whom Jamie is trying to hook me up with too, maybe just for fun, lol. I mean, ok, he isn't TECHNICALLY Boba Fett, but he's plays him at Disney ;). I guess this isn't a bad start, although its mostly turned out bad so far. It made me think, what is it that I want in a guy. Like, what would the ideal Mr.Right possess? 1. He would say "bless you" when I sneeze. It's just polite. 2. When I ask how his day was or how he is, he asks me back. 3. When he goes in the gas station to buy a drink, he brings me a Diet Coke too. 4. He would hold my hand when we walk around Disney, and kiss me on the Haunted Mansion. (This may sound dumb, but this Haunted Mansion make-out has been my silly girl dream for years. I've ridden it with several guys...they have all failed this test. I am convinced that when a guy kisses me on it, he will be "the one". It will be like the glass slipper finally fitting.) 5. He wants kids...and dogs. 6. He understands the importance of acknowledging the following 4 days: Valentine's, my birthday, our anniversary, and Christmas. Not just because they are important to me, but to him too. And I don't mean elaborate gifts or anything...just a card, or put on a DVD of my favorite movie...something. 7. Because I will happily defer to his movie choices 95% of the time, he will, once in awhile, go see some Twilight-esque crap movie with me and not complain or look pissed throughout. 8. When we take pictures together, he will smile. 9. He will make me laugh, especially when I want to cry. 10. He will say I love you, and mean that he does, and his actions will speak as loud as his words. That's it. Is that unreasonable?

Trouble!

Like usual, my old FWB knows just when to show up...just when I'm a little down, a little vulnerable, a little more open to his mumbo jumbo. I don't know how he does it, but for nearly 14 years now, he's had this uncanny ability. And like clockwork, a message shows up: "we need to get in some trouble" I won't lie, I'm flattered at first, excited even. I don't love him anymore...but I will never not like his continued attention. He had a hold on me for a very long time. I rather enjoy having a bit of a hold on him. But it's short lived. To begin with, I'm not going to mess around on my boyfriend with him. And even more...this man is in a committed relationship. With a girl that seems to adore him. How can she be posting how much she loves their "adventures", while he is secretly propositioning me, the woman that walked away because of her? I find lately that most men want to have their cake, and eat it too. He can't, at least not with me. It makes me feel empowered to say that. You CAN'T have me anymore.

There is a scene the movie "Where The Heart Is" where something horrible has just happened to Ashley Judd's character and her family and she says something like "...how do they find me? How do they see me and just know they'll be able to do these horrible things?" Sometimes I wonder that myself. I don't think I look particularly frail or easily fucked with. I curse a lot. I can take care of myself, usually. I'm not big, I don't think I'm necessarily little either. But I keep being drawn to the most shit bag people...people that don't deserve to be trusted, or second chances, or actually first chances if we're being honest, lol. And yet, there they are, in my life, with chance after chance to prove what assholes they are. I'd really like to make my life an asshole-free zone.

Breathing...or not

Well, I'm breathing again...sort of. I mean, a lot of the craziness that has swirled around me for the last few weeks has finally started to die down and has left me with what I knew in the first place...and that is that I love my boyfriend. Whew...that feels good. It is nice to have my mind back. I know there are things to work on and work out...and so we will see. But in the end, I'm hoping that everything will be ok. Now, being that I have spent the last few weeks in mental turmoil...not sleeping, eating, or generally taking as good care of myself as I usually do, I have ended up sick. I can't breath, my head is killing me...everything basically hurts. I should have seen this coming...but of course, hindsight is 20/20. I'm going to rest this weekend and continue to clear my head...getting healthy all the way around :)

Confusing, I know...

See if you can follow me on this: Sometimes, the wrong guy comes along and challenges what you have with the right guy. You start to doubt the right guy for the wrong one, because that wrong one says lots of sweet flowery things. But in the end, thanks wrong guy, because you just helped reaffirm what I felt for the right guy in the first place. Make sense?

My Dear John letter...

You left a bruise on my lip. At first, I liked it. I woke up and saw it, and felt it every time I pressed my lips together. I liked knowing it was there...knowing you had been there. But it's still there...and you are not. Now, when I feel that tiny slice of warm pain, it makes me feel very cold. Now when I look in the mirror, I am mad at myself for letting you leave a mark on me...internally and externally. Fuck you.

My reality trumps reality tv!

You know I hate reality shows. I hate them. Except, now that I live here, Jamie has me watching a shit ton of them...and, well, I sort of don't hate them at all. Especially The Bachelorette. I've prided myself on how little I have cared about any of these stupid shows...but now I am as emotionally invested in who will become little Ricki's father as Emily is herself. That being said, I get excited for Monday night, because it's Bachelorette night. And lo and behold, today is Monday and I didn't even think about that until just now. At almost 5pm. It makes me so happy when there is other stuff in my life going on that overshadows tv shows, lol. I am meeting Cory at Studios in a little while, where we will have dinner and then watch the 10:30 Fantasmic show. I've never seen Fantasmic...or if I did (which Ryan insists), I don't remember. It seems like a good time to finally check it out...or, at least check it out in between checking out the hot tech running lights tonight ;)

I'm not cautiously optimistic anymore...I threw caution to the wind, lol

There was nothing to be nervous about. Last night was lovely. Beyond lovely even...it was easy. It was comfortable. It was nice :) I had as much fun as I expected, maybe more...and that's both good and bad. I mean to begin with, I never thought any of this was even an option...and I'm kind of still reeling that it is, and all the things with Stew that happened in the last few weeks that led me to the point of even finding any of this out. I've been in a weird limbo and I knew last night was going to swing that...I knew last night was going to tell me if I even had any desire to proceed. It did, and I do. The bad comes in that, for fuck's sake, Whit...here you've gone and inserted yourself smack in the middle of another complicated mess. The kind of good in that is that it really isn't my mess to clean up. I mean, I don't have to fix it or anything, I just have to wait and deal and soldier on with a smile and enjoy this giddy phase. I don't know what is going to happen. I know what I hope will happen. We just have to see. But right now, I'm starting my Sunday with a hangover and a smile...and if you can wake up with that combination, well, hold onto that and enjoy the ride.

Times they are a-changin...

So, tonight I am going to do something that I've done about a hundred times before. I'm going to take a shower, and get dressed...change my outfit...change it back...and then Jamie and I are going to walk two blocks to the Tavern. We will sit outside...she will order a Long Island...I will order a Margarita, on the rocks, no salt. We will wait for our friends. Jamie will make me drink water. We will laugh...a lot. We will make inappropriate jokes at each others' expense, and laugh some more. Yes, it is the same drill we have completed a hundred times before. But tonight is different. I'm nervous.

I wish the last week had never happened. I wish I could erase the whole fucking thing and go back and start over. But, of course, I can't. I felt so good and happy and settled...and now, this looming unease has settled over me and I don't like it. It's a horrible, bad feeling. I want to go back to FL right now, and I don't. I want to change things, and I don't. I, just confused... And it's a confusion that did not live in my heart just a short time ago. I wish I could make it go away.

The last few days have been awful...horrible...crazy. And I learned something about myself. I often do not think before I act. I get caught up in whatever drama is inevitably ensuing, and that does not always lead to the best choices. It is hard for me not to be like this, because my instinct is to fix whatever is broken, and fix it immediately, which may not always be practical or possible. Sometimes you need to wait things out. Sometimes you need to let things sink in to really understand how you feel. Sometimes you have to stop and remember that no one else is actually you...and therefore will not act or react the same way you will in a given situation. The journey of figuring out who you are at 35 is a rocky road. Spending the years of your twenties being something and someone that you are not kind of leaves you adrift in the sea of adulthood. You never move past that game of pretend, so it's a rude awakening when it becomes apparent that life is no longer pretend. Choices matter. Feelings matter. People matter. And most importantly, I fucking matter. I have spent many many years putting myself last for whatever reason or whatever person that happened to present itself. I realize that it is unhealthy to do that all the time, but it is an amazingly hard habit to get out of. I want everyone to love me...and it's hard for me to accept that some will and some won't...just because of who I am, and not what I can or can't do for you. I buy love. I buy friendship. I don't feel like I am worthy by myself, so I have to sweeten the deal. I will buy dinner. I will pay for drinks. I will cover this vacation...if you will only spend time with me. I don't know why I feel this way. During this no good week, it has come to my attention that finally I a, surrounded by people that love me because they just do...people that don't have to, but want to. People that I have done nothing for, but to be a friend back. It is refreshing, and amazing, and a little overwhelming. I am told these are e kinds of friends I deserve, these are the normal kind of friends. I have had so few of these. But I am happy to have them now. I am learning, slowly...that things can change.

This is going to sound stupid or crazy...and if you don't know me well, or maybe didn't know me 'back then', you won't understand, but something amazing happened to me this past week. You know how sometimes you don't realize you were missing something until you have it again? Like wow, I forgot how good lobster is because I haven't eaten one lately? Like that. I literally forgot how much I love music, mostly because I was jaded by the musicians that were personally in my life. I just kind of shut it out. Nothing felt good, nothing felt worth my time or effort. Then, a few months ago I really started digging The Fray and The Script. I went and saw The Fray in concert and realized how much I'd missed live music. Then a few weeks later, my friend Laurice got tickets for KD Lang, who I had utterly 0 interest in...but I went anyways and lo and behold, I really enjoyed the show and her music. So I've been easing myself back into actually liking music again. And then last week, I randomly decided I needed to buy this cd I'd heard one song off of. So I did. And here's the thing...every single thing in my life this week has been better and brighter and I feel more like myself than I have all year. I'm more relaxed, more patient, have a renewed sense of purpose. I MISSED music so fucking much and I didn't even know it. I don't know...maybe it's just all these things aligning, but I haven't seen Stewart in 4 months...and a week from right now actually he'll finally be here...and i feel like an old friend joined me again last week...so everything I love is coming together. I could be reading too much into this, but all I know is that I feel just fucking GOOD.

Reciprocating...

Here is where I go to vent...to say thing I think and feel but might not ever say in my real life, good and bad. It's Friday night, and I am venting. I'm worth more than I sometimes give myself credit for, and certainly more than I accept from other people. I truly believe in give and take and I know that in every relationship, there are times where you give more and times when you need to take more. Unfortunately, I often find myself on the giving end...and while this works for awhile, there inevitably comes a time when I begin to burn out and resent the situation. I could blame the other party...and sure, part of it is their fault. But if I was being honest, the blame lies with me, doesn't it? Because of it didn't, I wouldn't keep finding myself in this situation, would I? I am a self-sufficient girl. I take care of myself and I like that. I tell myself I'm super great all the time, because I think I am. It took me a long time to feel that way...a lot of abusing myself and letting other people abuse me, but I'm here. The thing is, if I'm going to be with you, as a friend or a lover, I'm going to affirm the shit out of you. I expect you to do the same. We are supposed to lift each other up, but there are some people in my life getting mighty fucking heavy because I'm doing all the lifting.

I'm trying something new...

Overall, I would say I eat pretty healthy. At least, I try to be mindful of what I eat, and when it's something I shouldn't be, I know it. However, I realize lately that I just don't feel that great physically. I could be healthier. So a couple of days ago I made a conscious decision to try to ci It out white flour and processed foods and sugar as much as I could...focusing on fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grain, and natural protein. The only crappy thing I have honestly put in my mouth in the last 4 days is Diet Coke. And even that, I've cut down on. And you know what I've discovered, I kind of don't miss that other stuff as much as I thought I would. When I'm hungry for a snack...which surprisingly hasn't been as often, I pop some fresh cherries or an apple with almond butter. I never thought I would feel satisfied with a dinner that didn't have some noodles or rice or potato on the side, but I have been. The only time I seem to struggle is right after dinner when I want some dessert. I'm getting through it ok. I'm kind of shocked that I enjoy fruit and vegetables as much as I have been. I hope this sticks...or at least becomes more of a habit than it has.

Fifty shades of how hard is this to figure out?

I did it. I caved. I read Fifty Shades of Gray and the 2 books that follow it. In about 4 days. And yes, they sucked. However, I enjoyed them. I'm not going to lie. I mean they weren't literary masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination, but they were a good time killing escape. What is cracking me up is what a big deal the media is making about women liking the books and trying to figure out why. For fucks sake, let me break it down for you: #1 Girls like sex a lot more than we are given credit for. And there is a lot of sex in this book. Let's face it, there is more sex in this book than most people have in 5 years. These people have sex 52 times a day. And we like it, becaue well, we like sex. #2 But even more than liking sex, we like the idea of having time to have it 52 times a day. It's novel. This girl sort of works, but she can stop 7 times in her 8 hour day to have sex. In closets and offices and elevators and in cars and on desks. Lucky her. We are all jealous that there is nothing preventing her from just having sex wherever and whenever she wants. #3 Most importantly though, the guy in the book was written by a woman who gets it, even if she sucks as a writer. This guy acts like this girl walks on water. He lights up when she comes in a room. When she isn't there, he tells her he misses her. He pays attention to the things she says. He maks her feel special. Bingo dummies. See #3 and then see it again. That is why women are going apeshit for this book. We want to have sex-a lot- with a man that acts as if there is not one other woman in the world they want to have sex with. There's your big secret answer. The end.

You are getting verrrry sleeeepy...

I feel kind of exhausted. Not like oh I need a nap exhausted, but holy shit I need a break exhausted. My job has been driving increasingly crazy to the point where last week I finally shot off an email to my boss listing the things that I was and was not hired to do. I am only one person. I cannot take care of myself and their family of 4 four, plus their dog and mine, 100% of the time. I just can't do it. I am supposed to be HELPING them and that line has been crossed to something else. They got the picture, and spent half the day profusely apologizing, but we will see how long they are more vigilant about what they expect of me. And, in the meantime, I have made the decision to pursue special education as a career and I'm excited about it. I've also become more accountable to myself to write, and for the very first thing I submitted published. I submitted a second piece and I'm waiting to see how that goes. I am going to continue trying. Stewart has been gone on the field exercise for what feels like forever and I miss him being a part of everyday. Just another 2and a half weeks an it'll be over. I'm super happy about that. And finally, I had a ather enlightening conversation last night with someone...and it has given me much food for thought. There are more things weighing on mymind than I feel like I currently have the capacity to deal with. That said, I am looking forward to my wonderful friend Tina visiting this weekend for some much needed fun and girl talk. No one ever warns you that life will be this fucking complicated.

Random, but I'm pretty sure The Holiday is one of my favorite movies ever. When Jude Law cries at the end...it's all over. I'm lazing around in bed, snuggling my puppy, and enjoying this movie (again). And, wishing I was with Stewart on his birthday...but army duty calls.

Turns out I dont know myself very well...

So, here's the first problem. I can't stop watching bride movies. I wanted a baby...I was indifferent to the wedding...and then, well something happened. And now, I'm a bit obsessed. And we aren't even officially engaged yet. I pour over wedding magazines and pick apart the pictures. I make lists of things that seem important and then I remake them. I debate over plum and aluminum as opposed to plum and silver. I write dates down and try to determine if I like how the numbers look for an anniversary. It's so stressful, all the thinking...and I can't stop doing it. But I'll admit, I'm having fun. I am. It's exciting. It's so exciting to finally get to imagine something happening that I never thought was going to. So, now I lay awake at night at watch Bride Wars. And Bridesmaids. And Father of the Bride. And Something Borrowed. And...I get teary eyed. I get a huge lump in my throat when I imagine the moment I will stand across from the man I love and say "I do." It feels so much sweeter than I imagined it would. I'm so much more into this than I thought I would be. And even though in my heart I know it's only one day in our life, and the price tag I am sure it is going to come out to is a waste of a shit ton of money... I deserve it, and more than that, I WANT it. I REALLY want it. I didn't think I did, I didn't think I had a bridezilla bone in my body. Turns out I was wrong. I want the whole fairy tale package.

Well, amen...I can finally blog from my IPad...which is basically the only "computer" I use anymore. I can update more, so that's exciting! What's not super exciting is that there are 9 months left until Stewart gets put of the army, and next week he leaves for the two month field project, during which there will only be 4 days I can talk to him. That sucks and it's making me particularly crabby. I know 9 months isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things, and that by the time this shit is over it will only be 7 months, but it feels like fucking forever. I'm tired of waiting. It feels like all I ever do is wait.

I'm annoyed. Like seriously annoyed. And let's be honest...99% of this annoyance stems from pms. But, any which way you look at it, I'm still annoyed. I should be overwhelmingly past being surprised at people that turn out how to have ulterior motives for being friends or just turn out to be or into disappointing assholes. But it never ceases to amaze me.

Danger Danger

I am in the mood to make bad decisions. When I get in these moods, it doesn't end well. Like for instance, it's not 10am, and I am already eating ice cream. And while it has made me feel temporarily better, it is not going to fix the underlying problems.

Here's the thing, I don't ask for alot. I don't really ask for anything. Especially lately, alot of things I used to think I needed to be happy I have realized that I don't. But what this means is that when I do ask for something, I want it. I need it. I expect it. Damn it, I deserve it.

I'm a giver and I have always been a giver, probably to a fault. I expect if of myself and other people in my life have come to expect it of me. And that's ok. That's who I am and I have always been.

But right now, there is something I want...and I'm not getting it. And this is going to sound horrible, but when I don't get what I want, when it is so rare that I want anything...it makes me furious. It makes me crazy. It makes me wonder why the fuck I keep on giving and giving all the damn time. It makes my head spin in the wrong direction...makes me want to go and do things that I shouldn't do. Bad decisions.

Now, of course there are your run of the mill bad decisions...like the ice cream breakfast. And then there are those bad decisions that really mess up your life. I want to make some of those. And I have to watch myself very closely to make sure that I don't.

I don't know why my instinct is always to sabotage myself and my happiness when someone makes me mad, or upsets me, or hurts me. I don't know why I feel like I have to give so often and so freely and that I don't feel deserving of the expectation that people in my life will reciprocate.

And mostly, I don't know why nothing that happens in my life can ever be fucking normal. And yes, I KNOW that I spent the majority of my adult life purposely avoiding normal...and now that I want to embrace it, I feel like I'm being punished. Everything has started to fall into place so perfectly, but it's just not happening fast enough, and I don't have the patience to wait it out.

I do...but how do I do it?

For as long as I can remember, I would make lists of names I wanted to name my future children. I would fantasize about how I would decorate their future baby nurseries. I would imagine what cute little outfit I would bring them home from the hospital in. I want babies. I have ALWAYS wanted babies.

Of course, there is, in most cases, the matter of getting married before you get to the babies part. I know I want a big, beautiful dress. And that's about as far as I ever got on wedding ideas, since my last engagement was, well, a fiasco of epic proportion...with everyone and their monkey's uncle putting in their 2 cents until what I wanted was pushed so far down the list that I forgot what it was.

With the last longest relationship I had...I pretty much figured that if it ever got to the marriage point, we were eloping, for 1000 reasons, each of which outweighed any good reason not to.

And now, here I am again, with weddings on my mind, since I am pretty sure one is looming in the not to distant future. And here's the thing...I just don't have a fucking idea what I want. I know that Stewart does not want a circus. Neither do I. I also know that if I told him that wedding cakes can cost in the thousands of dollars, not to mention every other petty ridiculous cost, his head would very likely explode. When we talked about how much weddings can cost, I think his exact response was along the lines of, "We could buy a boat for that much money..." So, the circus is out.

But that leaves alot of questions to be answered when the time comes. I'd rather do nothing than do something half ass...I'd rather elope than deal with the drama that is sure to ensue over who to invite and who not to invite, and how much things cost, and what to serve at the reception (we aren't even engaged yet and my mom has already vetoed my initial idea).

We are in our 30's...we are only intending to do this once, and it is very important to me that we do it right. But by that I mean, right in the way that is right for US...not everyone else. Part of me really, really hopes that we get lucky enough to do this a little backwards, with a baby on board before we get into this nonsense...it would solve alot of problems. We would have an excuse to do it, and do it fast ;)

Saturday afternoon, and I am staying in bed...

So, first let me explain that the reason I am staying in bed in threefold:

1) I am tired from a Disney race this morning. It was only a 5k, but I was tired and out of practice going into it. So, I ate some chocolate ice cream for lunch and I am going to happily inhabit my bed for the remainder of the day.

2 and 3) The NBA All Star Game and the Daytona 500 are happening here this weekend, meaning that traffic and crowds any place I would go would be insane. I am staying here until this carnival of insanity rolls back out of town.


Aside from staying in bed, I have math homework to finish by Tuesday and a paper to write by 11:30 tonight. I don't want to. At all. So instead of doing what I am supposed to be doing, I'm watching Big Momma's House. That right there should tell you how unmotivated I am to do this work, lol. I mean, I have literally 500 DVD's less that 4 feet from where I am right now, but rather than get up and put one in, or actually do my homework I am watching a crap movie on network television. Go me.

Updates...

You know, I am beginning to realize that my mood comes in two flavors:

Totally Mellow and Totally Stressed.

There is no in between. There is no gray area. It's either I'm fine, or I want to punch someone in the face.

The last week has kind of been of the punch someone in the face variety. I haven't been sleeping that well, because frankly I am still getting used to new surroundings and a new environment. Not in a bad way, mind you, it's great...its just new. And besides that I have had alot on my mind with the idea that within the next year I will not only be sleeping in a new place again, but very likely in a WHOLE NEW STATE all together, while I set off on the adventure of becoming an army family.

This lack of sleep has prompted me to want to come home from my morning schedule and do nothing but sleep. Instead, 9am-1pm has become the time that every single person I know and their monkey's uncle decides to text me with pointless bullshit. This has prompted me to create what I have titled the "Leave me the fuck alone zone". If you or I have not won the lottery and neither of us is on fire...leave me the fuck alone. If you are on the approved list, you can go ahead and text me anyway. And if you weren't on the approved list, you wouldn't be reading this, so you're fine and this isn't about you LOL. That being said, if I don't text you back until after 1pm...it's cause I am sleeping.

Now let me explain a little bit more about the army move. Stew is in the process of deciding whether or not he is going to reenlist. If he does, he will be moving from Fort Bliss to another base and we've been a given a list of potential new places which include California, Alaska, Korea, another base in Texas, or New York. We agreed to cross Korea off the list before we went any further with the decision process...and at this point, unless something else comes up, I think he is down to New York or Texas. Thing is, he wants out of Texas (and I don't blame him...Texas is, well, weird) but New York is going to leave us once again dealing with winters, which neither of us really are looking forward to. As a matter of fact, even less so now that I have jsut typed that and the reality of this possibility sets in. I live in Disney World. I mean, pretty much. It's been 80* here most days of the last few weeks. My friends are here. This is a lot to swallow. But, Stew is not here...and at the end of the day, the whole point is that we want to be together, we will both be happier being together, and so in order to achieve that, this is what we have to do, at least for the time being.

Unless he decides not to reenlist...so...we'll see.

Well, here it is...

January 31st. The day I have been waiting for. The end.

I turned in the keys on the old apartment today...and even though I have been living in my new place for a month already, it is now 100% totally official. I live here, not there. I never have to go there again. An entire phase of my life is now past me, and I have entered into a new and improved phase.

I think this year is going to bring so many good and positive things to my life and to the people I love. My new niece will be here in just about a month. Stewart and I are making plans to move into the next phase of our relationship. It's exciting. I am excited.

This day was a long time in coming...I am so glad it is finally here.

The Nanny Diaries...

I just need to vent a moment.

I hate my job. I mean, I am grateful to have it...but I hate it. I hate it mostly because while I do indulge in laziness quite often...it is not affecting anyone but me to do so. Too lazy to put the pile of clean clothes away right now? It doesn't bother anyone but me, because no one lives in my bedroom but me. Too lazy to go to my bed and take a nap so I fall asleep on the couch? The couch is STILL big enough that Jamie and Randy can both sit on it, lol.

The brand of laziness I hate is the kind where you are too lazy to do something, so then it becomes MY problem. I'm too lazy to pay any fucking attention to what my kids do in school...so it's totally my nanny's responsibility. I am too lazy to remember to ask my kids if they have any homework to finish before I take them out to dinner until 8:30...so now the fact that I didn't know they had homework to finish becomes my nanny's fault...my nanny that had to leave to do her OWN school work. I am too lazy to care for the $3000 dog I HAD to have, so it immediately becomes my nanny's job to walk it, feed it, bathe it, clean up after it, and keep it on it's heartworm and flea meds regularly. And when the dog pees in it's cage and keeps me up all nights it is my nanny's fault, because she didn't walk it enough in between the 30 fucking activities I have her driving my kids and their friends to.

Well, newsflash. Your nanny is tired as fuck. Your nanny is pissed that she finished every last stitch of laundry in your house last Friday and came to work on Tuesday morning to not one, not two, but 5 HUGE loads to do...which, may your nanny point out, is SUPPOSED to be your cleaning lady's job, but she never does it. Your nanny is in the process of moving, working for your lazy ass full time and going to school. Your nanny has her own dog to care for. Your nanny DOES indeed have a life outside of your family, because here's the thing: It's YOUR family. Your house, your laundry, your kids and your dog. You chose to have it all. You hired me to HELP you take care of it...not do it for you all the damn time. Keep pissing me off and you are going to know what life is like when you have to actually live it yourself.

That is all.

Saturday was awesome!

Yesterday may possibly have been the most productive day I have had in months. I mean, I was on a roll.

It started out with a math evaluation test, which had me out of the house and driving 40 minutes before 9am...on a Saturday. As much as that sucked, I actually did A LOT better on the test than I imagined I would...and I even followed this up by finishing all but one math assignment that I have due on January 30th. Yes, you read that correctly. I am TWO WEEKS ahead.

I stopped by the old place, threw some more stuff away, had lunch with my old roommate and didn't even get into a fight.

Then, because I have such an awesome dad he offered to buy me new flat screen tv so that I don't have to bring the old ancient one I have now...which I had no idea how I was going to lift anyways. He also got me a stand. So, two more things I don't have to cart over here. Because I have such an awesome mom she offered to get me the bedroom stuff I needed. So, by 5pm I had ordered a bed, a mattress, some sheets (they are leopard print...don't judge), a tv, and a tv stand.

I also filed my taxes...early...did the happy dance in regards to my refund and then met Jamie and her awesome friends at the Magic Kingdom for dinner with Pooh and a ride on Pirates. (That doesn't sound right, does it, lol.)

I finished off the night with a Skype date with Stewart, a Diet Coke, and a Tiger Milk bar.

Best day of the year...so far!

A little too thick to take a hint?

I have pointedly left my Skype off for a reason. I thought maybe 2 months was long enough to get the Monkey off my back and I could start leaving it on again.

I was wrong.

What is it with boys and things they can't have? If you didn't want to get serious within the, oh, I don't know, TEN FUCKING YEARS I waited on you...why are you suddenly so keen to be up my ass now? Now that I am happy and in love and with a man that is wonderful? I'm glad I see through this.

Let's keep the past in the past...and that's what he is...the DISTANT past.

Moving on. Or should I say MOVED on.

The end.

One more day of moving down.

Luckily, I am down to a very minimum amout of stuff to get out of the main apartment. I even started working on the garage today. Surprisingly, there seems to actually be less junk than I thought. I mean, don't get me wrong, there is a ton of shit...but alot is half empty boxes, things I haphazardly took from the last place in our moving haste, and/or things I just absolutely have no need for. I have 2 or 3 big rubbermaid totes full of FuManSkeeto clothes. I mean seriously, WTF did I have that much of that shit for to begin with and why am I still hording it? The answer is, I'm not still hording it, because like alot of other things, it's all getting tossed.

Are you tired of hearing about me moving and all the shit I am throwing away? LOL...I can't help it, it's sort of consuming my life right now. But every day down is one day closer to that final day when I can just breath and lay back in my beautiful new place and think, 'Well, you made it through that too.'

It's 4pm...

It's 4pm and I am not entirely sure how that happened.

I mean, I am pretty sure the last time I looked at a clock it was 9:30 and it doesn't feel like more than an hour has passed. I can't POSSIBLY be 4pm, can it?

Although it doesn't really feel like I accomplished very much this morning (and this afternoon too, I guess lol), I did. I got some stuff organized, I did some laundry, I even threw a bunch more stuff away...a process which I am going to continue repeating until I have weeded everything I don't need out of my life. An Ultimate Nsync Trivia book? Dumpster. A REALLY outdated top I wore one night at the club that I saved because it was such a good night (so good of a night, in fact, that I now can't recall what was so good about it)? Dumpster. Birthday cards I have saved from people I don't even talk to anymore? Dumpster again.

That being said, I still have about 482 tons of shit. I told Stewart that the next time I move, it will be with 2 suitcases...which ought to hold everything that I need. I asked him to save the text and show it to me when I am trying to transport 3 truckloads to wherever it is we end up. He said he would, and I don't doubt it, lol.

At any rate, this is really the first day I have had to breath since I got back from Michigan. Maybe that's why it's flown by so quickly. I am going to take a walk, do some more work in my room, and then spend the evening chilling out, watching a movie on Netflix maybe or reading a book. I plan to take it easy tomorrow too, because Monday is going to find me right back in the old place, tossing more shit. I have pretty much decided that anything that is still there now, with the exception of my tv and some more doll stuff, is getting the dumpster treatment. And did you hear that? It was a sigh of relief!

Moving still sucks and so does being so far from my love.

Because I have approximately no time at all this week between work and moving, I am stealing a few minutes here and there to put down what I'm thinking.

Yesterday's post still holds true, but even more so. The longer it takes to move, the more it sucks. However, I really am ditching a TON of stuff...and that feels amazingly good. Stuff I don't need or want...stuff that no longer holds any emotional attachment. I held onto many things for way too long, literally and figuratively, and this is the time for a brand new start.

The second thing is...it is true that time makes most things that are hard easier. Losing someone, a hurt or a disappointment, lost love...but there is one thing that time just makes harder. And that is long distance relationships. I mean sure, it sucks at first because you want to be together all the time...but as time goes on and you fall more in love with someone, you just want to share everything with them and be there for them and vice versa. It's getting harder and harder not to be with him every day.

That being said, when the time comes that we are going to make the decision to be together every day, I am very simply just going to have to buy all new stuff. Because whatever I have left that I didn't toss in this round of moving is getting tossed in the next round ;)

Anyone want all my stuff? I'd rather give it away than move it.

So, in case you are ever on Jeopardy, here are two answers you should keep in mind:

The absolute biggest pain in the ass in the world.

What is moving?

and #2

Nothing. (Because then they don't have to move it.)

What do the smartest people in the world have?

Clearly, I am stressed with moving. It sucks. But, it's getting done and I know the end result it going to be beyond worth the momentary trouble.

The end is near...

At the end of this month, I am going to throw myself a party.

It will mean that moving is done and I am 100% officially finished with that part of my life. It is so close, I can taste it. It tastes amazing.

I started moving things in before I left for Christmas. Not much, just a few things here or there when I came over. Today marked the first hard core, big car load. I have things hanging in the closet, things hanging on the walls, things in the medicine cabinet.

I slept here last night and felt relief. I have not slept like that in Florida in a very long time. I know there is still a few miles left to travel on this road...but I am almost 'home'. so to speak.

Hallelujiah.