Hindsight

Do you ever look back at someone you once loved and think, 'What the fuck was wrong with me?'

Yeah, me too.

;)

A new kind of fear...

A couple of days ago, the evilest of men murdered 27 people at an elementary school in Connecticut. 20 of them were 6 and 7 year old children.
The age Dylan is.
A year or two older than my niece is.
An age where they are still innocent, still wondrous, still trusting.

Long ago, the rest of us were robbed of that innocence and wonder.

We lived through 9-11.
We lived through Columbine.
We lived through the shooting at the Amish school, at the Batman movie, just last week at the mall in Oregon.

We learned that you cannot-should not- trust blindly.

Mostly people are good, but some are so bad that the rest of us simply cannot fathom.

It makes me afraid in a way I never was before, because really, truly, none of us are safe anywhere.

I eye the exits in movie theaters now, like I never did before.

I will linger a bit longer when I drop the kids off at school, watching.

Except we just can't know what we are watching for, can we?

What makes a person snap and how do we head it off? How do we protect kids, ourselves?

Stricter gun laws, less media attention...maybe both, maybe neither.

And that's what makes this so unsettling, so terrifying.

We can ask for answers, beg for answers.

There are NO answers.

20 babies are dead.

20 sets of parents are ruined.

Countless siblings, family members, friends, strangers mourn what happened.

We can't fix it. We can't seem to make it stop happening.

This has been my week:

My dad has cancer. It's going to be ok. It was caught early. It's treatable. But, you know, my dad has cancer.

My boss had a biopsy, no results yet, but she made me promise that if she dies, I'll take care of the kids. She said, "You don't need any babies, you already have two."  Well, you know except that I'd like a few that came out of my body and not hers. And like, way to be weird and insensitive with a super serious request.

The cowboy couple is pregnant already. It's been 3.8 seconds. And the news was delivered with the following "I pray you find someone soon so you can have this too."

Where do I fucking find these people?

Surprisingly, given the set of shitbag circumstances, I'm in a fairly decent mood. I feel like cooking and baking and doing Christmasy shit. Why not? Life's too short to be pissed off.  I feel like I figured out some stuff that has been knawing at me. I feel like things are what they are. I can change them or accept them, but complacent misery isn't going to fix anything. So I'm choosing not to be miserable :)

Ho Ho Ho.

So, this happened...

There's this guy...

And you already know its going to be a mess.

You already know that I'm not so good at the whole no strings thing.

No, let me rephrase. I'm REALLY good at it...for the guy. For me, my stupid heart always gets involved.

And you already know I went and did it anyways. And oh, well, maybe I kind of didn't realize that I actually like him.

Here's all the things wrong with him:

He's immature.
He's got an over inflated opinion of himself.
He is NOT a voice over actor, despite what he said, lol.
His hair is sort of ridiculous.
He annoys the shit out of me.
My best friend is his boss.

That's kind of a partial list.

There's NO reason I should like him.

So, I guess that's what I'm going to go with. There's NO reason I should like him.

Except that I do.

And it's just such an epically bad idea that I don't know what to do with that.

Probably I should've figured that out before I went and tangled myself up.