Let's see if this helps my mood...

Bah Humbug.

And seriously, this disturbs me. It disturbs me alot, because I LOVE Christmas. I love decorating and shopping and Christmas songs and Santa hats and the whole entire 9 yards of lights and tinsel and wrapping paper.

But right now, I'm not feeling Christmasy at all.

I just got back from another trip to El Paso. I would rather have not gotten back from another trip to El Paso...I would have rather stayed there. But now, here I am, back in Florida, in an apartment inhabited by myself and two dogs...lonely and missing my boyfriend, who not only lives 2500 miles away, but is also in the Army which means there is always that fear in the back of your mind. And yes, yes, I know what I signed up for when I got myself into this, but I am allowed to have a hormonal bitchfest every now and then.

Besides that, I am learning things about myself still...one of which is that I have come to not only EXPECT people to disappoint me, I ACCEPT it. And that is UNACCEPTABLE. I shouldn't do that. I need to learn to better communicate my feelings and stop living in fear of being unloved or unwanted when I do...even though I have been conditioned through shitty relationships to be that way. I am ALLOWED to be hurt and disappointed, and I am ALLOWED to express that. I don't have to walk around with a fucking public smile on my face all the time just so that I can go and cry behind closed doors.

I guess maybe right now, I want to stop living my life...and not in any kind of suicidal way, but more like I just want to step outside of myself and watch like a third party. I want to go through the motions of the next few weeks with no emotional involvement. I just want to see what happens without having any investment in it...I am tired of everything right now.

What I Deal With in the Mornings...

Jess and Dylan, as usual, were conversing about totally inappropriate things on our way to school. Today's topic...Does Miss Whitney still talk to the last guy she dated?

"Does he ever try to talk to you?" Jess asked.

"Once in a while..."

"Well, do you talk to him?" Dylan pipes in.

"No."

"Why?" They ask in unison.

"Well...(and I choosing my words carefully...) because I don't have any reason to."

"No, because he was a stupid idiot," Jess says, "...and a weenie."

"Or that." I concur.

"I TOLD you that. But you didn't listen to me. You were all like, 'Oh he is so great...'. You should have listened to me." This- from an 8 year old.

"JESS! You shouldn't make fun of Miss Whitney!" Dylan cried in my defense.

"Dylan, it's for her own good."

"OOOKKKK...so, how about Stewart?" I ask, curious now.

"He's good." Dylan says.

"Yeah, he's good....FOR NOW. I have to meet him first to make sure I approve." Jess responds, then thinking about it adds, "What are his favorite tv characters?"

"Well, I think he likes the Simpsons."

"Ok," she answers, "then I approve."

I will be able to sleep better tonight, knowing that the kids approve, haha. Especially since this approval is apparently based upon the Simpsons...

Well...

Based on some conversations yesterday, I think I might have some rather interesting news to share in the next few months.

A LOT happened yesterday...which just may lead up to the best birthday I have ever had ;)