Never, ever, in a million years...

Five New Kids on the Block cruises.

Well, 4 previous and then this years's, which leaves next Saturday from Miami.

I have made fun of that damn boat for the last 4 years...ever since the first one when Heather and I contemplated going u tip we saw that it was 3 days long and about $3 grand.

Do I look like I'm paying 3 grand to be on a boat full of snarky women vying for Donnie Wahlberg's attention?

Hell fucking no.


And then...this year happened. This year where I've started to mentally compile a bucket list. This year where I started to stop trying to be someone I'm not and embrace my quirks.

This year, where Jon Knight tweeted that this was likely going to be the last NKOTB cruise.

What?
The last?
Wait, what?

And that was all it took for my wheels to start...slowly. What if it WAS the last? What if I regret never going on it? What it's the most amazing thing ever (like everyone who has ever been on it says) and I MISS it? I don't like to miss anything.

So I entered a raffle to win a trip. And figured, well, if I need a passport ( which I ought to have anyways, by the way) I'd rush one of I won.

And then the cruise sold out.

What?
Sold out?
Wait, what?

You're telling me I can't go on even if I want to? I hate being told I can't. So, I got on the waitlist...and then I called and they said, no, you don't actually need a passport at all.

My resolve was crumbling...I think I really, really want to go.
Until I get a phone call that I was called off the waitlist...for a $1700 cabin.

Yeah, no thanks.

Or...a $1300 cabin.

Or...an even cheaper cabin. Including port charges.

Well, in that case...

I have just gone against everything I have ever said and booked this cruise (fully thanks to my awesome Mom that said, you know, go. Be happy.).

I am going on the New Kids on the Block cruise.

One more day...

I woke up this morning and the first thing I see everyday is the sky out the window.

It was gray, overcast, rainy.

And I felt the misery settle instantly over me for another day.

I tried in vain for 2 hours to go back to sleep, but finally gave up. I turned the movie back on, snuggled the dog, pictured my mind as a blank slate.

It helped a little.

It's 11am now though, and I feel a little bit better. I know in a day or two, I'll be fine. My hormones will rebalance. The fog will lift. I'll feel like me again.

In the meantime though, this sucks.

I wish I could turn my brain off, for just a little while.

I wish sometimes that I thought like everyone else...that some things are absurd or impossible, instead of feeling like anything is possible.

Not that it's a bad thing to feel like anything is possible, but it's overwhelming.

I'm always thinking of the next thing...


I'm tired.
I just want to not be a grown up for a little while.

A week too late, Silver Linings Playbook...

Last Friday night I contemplated ordering Silver Linings Playbook off the hotel tv.

I'd seen it before, but right when it came out...and I've been dying to see it again.

But, it was $14.99... And I preordered it already and knew I'd get it yesterday.
And it was 3:30am and I was exhausted.

I wish to fuck I'd have ordered it.

Because had I ordered it and watched it, I'd have gotten Robert DeNiro's pep talk about being in a moment and not letting it pass you by because it'll haunt you forever.

I'd have listened, and when the universe handed me a night full of moments, I'd have seized them so much better than I did.

Alas, I watched it last night and if I have to tattoo those fucking words onto my hand like a crib sheet,
I WILL NEVER FORGET THEM AGAIN.

Quit thinking, quit over thinking, quit being afraid of the outcome. You KNOW when you're swirling in serendipity...just embrace it. That's it.


Besides this...I'm also going to stop wishing I could do things that are actually going to make me happy in the long term...and DO them.

Starting with taking the steps to change my career.

My life is a series of extremes...extremely happy, extremely excited, extremely annoyed, extrememly let down.

I'm going to try to finally balance that shit out.