And so...

C'est la vie.

What an amazing few months to be forever grateful for...I will hold it in my heart forever.

That's all folks.

There is just nothing worse in the whole world than when someone you care about is hurting badly and there's no way that you can make it any better.

Giving him space goes against every instinct that I possess. It's time to see what I'm made of.

I don't know if this pertains to me yet or not, but whoever said 'It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' was FULL OF SHIT.

That's all I have this morning.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my BFF, and we talked for like an hour about all the things that have been going on in and amongst our lives. These include:

-divorce
-trying to figure out new relationships
-trying to figure out how to not blame current significant others for the mistakes of past significant others
-money, and our gross lack of it
-abusive relationships, the reasons we justify staying in them, and how to get out of them
-relocating
-job loss
-eviction
-the point of spending $$$ on finishing school, when you know that what you are going to owe in loans in going to outweigh by far any more money you make by having it.

And then, she said something profound..."You know what sucks about all of this? It's being a grown up. This is what being an adult is about. One problem after another."

And you know what? She's right. I have come to realize that as soon as you solve one problem, another turns up. It's like a carousel. You keep going around and around and around, and maybe you ride a different horse each time, but you still end up back where you started and never seem to get anywhere.

Here's where we figured out things are different though. When you have someone in your life that you love, that you trust, that you feel comfortable with, and confident in their feelings back, it makes all that shit all little bit easier. I still have no money...but at least I have no money with him. I still have to deal with a job I hate, but at least I have him to come home to. My exes are still douches, but at least I am slowly learing that not ALL guys are. She is so lucky to have found her cowboy. I can only hope.

Things aren't perfect. Things are NEVER going to be perfect. Maybe alot of wrong turns and wrong choices got us to where we are right now, but at least I feel like we might be on the right road out, or at least with the right passengers.

I'm watching Harry Potter...

I'm watching Harry Potter because that's what I do when I'm stressed. I watch Harry Potter movies over and over and over again. I have a feeling this is going to be a big, fat, Harry Potter movie weekend.

I'm not going to say more shitty things couldn't have happened today, because they could have...but damn, today really does come close to being one of the suckiest on recent record.

Bad things happened to me, bad things happened to NDG.

At any rate...I want to punch about 37 people right now, but instead I am watching Harry Potter.

Things that suck:

First of all, let me warn you all...one of you was supposed to remove my communication abilities this week and none of you stepped up, so I apologize for anything irrational I say between now and oh, I don't know, the 26th.

Here's the first thing that sucks: Time zones. Like, I am in this one, and he is in that one. Because moments like this, where it's not an emergency warranting waking him up with a call or a text because it's 7:30am there...but I REALLY want to talk to him. Why can't we just be one big, fat, time zone. It's 10:30 here, it's 10:30 there.

Here's the second thing that sucks: Work. Like, I have a job and I hate it. Blah, blah, blah, yes I know I am lucky to have a job. But here's the problem with the kind of job I have. You get hired to do one thing- for example, CARE FOR CHILDREN. And you are told 3687 times that that is the ONLY thing you are supposed to focus on. And that lasts for about 2 weeks. And then slowly, slowly, they start piling other unrelated things on you...can you just catch up on this laundry (which translates to EVERY DAY)? Can you call the pest control and set up an appointment and then sit here for 3 hours waiting for them to show up? Can you coordinate the delivery of our furniture, which happens to fall in the time frame that you need to pick the kids up from school, therefore requiring you to be in 2 places at once...but you can handle that right? I want a job where I have a list of maybe 3 specific things that I have to do every day, and then I just want to do those things and be left alone. Better yet, I don't want anyone telling me what to do at all, I just want to write and get paid for it. Maybe I should quit being so damn lazy and do something about that, so that I can.

Here's the third thing that sucks: I am mentally checked out of this phase of my life, and I have been for a month now, since the first time I got back from Cali. The issue with that is that I have to wait for the right time to physically check out of it.

I guess those are all the things that I think suck today...for now, anyways.

Well, I made my second trip out to LA in 6 weeks. The second was better than the first, and the first was amazing. I had a better time with bro and sis-in-law then I have...well...ever. Sis and I had a chance to bond in a way that we never did. And, surprisingly, she gave me some insight into bro that shows he DOES care, he just shows it in a much more guarded way than he used to. I had a great night catching up with an old friend...2 margaritas...one piece of cake...and about 8 hours of conversation. It doesn't get any better than that. Oh wait, yes it does...NDG is still awesome.

Here's the problem...then I have to leave, and leaving SUCKS.

BGF...you better get your act together. I know we had the agreement that neither of us was going out there till the other one was ready...hurry up and get ready!

You know, I have kind of always been the kind of person that enjoys the ride.

I like planning a trip as much as taking it.
I like Christmas shopping and decorating as much as I like Christmas morning itself.
Half the fun of something exciting is all the build up to it.

But I'll tell you what, just this once, I am impatient for the outcome, for the payoff.

What is going to happen with NDG? I want to know...and I want to know now. I'll go for the ride, sure, but damn it, I want to know the destination. I've had about all I can take of forks in the road and wrong turns and peaks and valleys. I just would really, really like a map with the danger zones highlighted and the major milestones pointed out so I could decide if I like where I'm heading.

Right now, the road looks pretty good. I'm sure we'll naturally hit a few speed bumps, but I think it will be ok. I just want to KNOW it will be ok.

Simple fact most guys miss...

So, this afternoon NDG texted me this: " :-)"

Seriously, just a simple smiley face. This told me two things...

#1- he was thinking about me.

#2- I was worth the 2 seconds it took for him to send that.

It also made my entire day. Just knowing he was thinking about me for those few seconds was enough to make me happy all afternoon.

It cost him nothing. It didn't even cost him that much time out of his day...but that simple gesture meant so much to me. This is what I think alot of guys don't realize. Sometimes, its those little things that mean the most to us. You let me know you were thinking about me and that was awesome.

So, sure jewelry and fancy dinners and exotic getaways are fun and great and nice...but that smile made me just as happy as any of that other stuff would have. Maybe more.

If you are a guy and you are reading this, TAKE NOTE ;)