I am in the mood to make bad decisions. When I get in these moods, it doesn't end well. Like for instance, it's not 10am, and I am already eating ice cream. And while it has made me feel temporarily better, it is not going to fix the underlying problems.
Here's the thing, I don't ask for alot. I don't really ask for anything. Especially lately, alot of things I used to think I needed to be happy I have realized that I don't. But what this means is that when I do ask for something, I want it. I need it. I expect it. Damn it, I deserve it.
I'm a giver and I have always been a giver, probably to a fault. I expect if of myself and other people in my life have come to expect it of me. And that's ok. That's who I am and I have always been.
But right now, there is something I want...and I'm not getting it. And this is going to sound horrible, but when I don't get what I want, when it is so rare that I want anything...it makes me furious. It makes me crazy. It makes me wonder why the fuck I keep on giving and giving all the damn time. It makes my head spin in the wrong direction...makes me want to go and do things that I shouldn't do. Bad decisions.
Now, of course there are your run of the mill bad decisions...like the ice cream breakfast. And then there are those bad decisions that really mess up your life. I want to make some of those. And I have to watch myself very closely to make sure that I don't.
I don't know why my instinct is always to sabotage myself and my happiness when someone makes me mad, or upsets me, or hurts me. I don't know why I feel like I have to give so often and so freely and that I don't feel deserving of the expectation that people in my life will reciprocate.
And mostly, I don't know why nothing that happens in my life can ever be fucking normal. And yes, I KNOW that I spent the majority of my adult life purposely avoiding normal...and now that I want to embrace it, I feel like I'm being punished. Everything has started to fall into place so perfectly, but it's just not happening fast enough, and I don't have the patience to wait it out.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I do...but how do I do it?
For as long as I can remember, I would make lists of names I wanted to name my future children. I would fantasize about how I would decorate their future baby nurseries. I would imagine what cute little outfit I would bring them home from the hospital in. I want babies. I have ALWAYS wanted babies.
Of course, there is, in most cases, the matter of getting married before you get to the babies part. I know I want a big, beautiful dress. And that's about as far as I ever got on wedding ideas, since my last engagement was, well, a fiasco of epic proportion...with everyone and their monkey's uncle putting in their 2 cents until what I wanted was pushed so far down the list that I forgot what it was.
With the last longest relationship I had...I pretty much figured that if it ever got to the marriage point, we were eloping, for 1000 reasons, each of which outweighed any good reason not to.
And now, here I am again, with weddings on my mind, since I am pretty sure one is looming in the not to distant future. And here's the thing...I just don't have a fucking idea what I want. I know that Stewart does not want a circus. Neither do I. I also know that if I told him that wedding cakes can cost in the thousands of dollars, not to mention every other petty ridiculous cost, his head would very likely explode. When we talked about how much weddings can cost, I think his exact response was along the lines of, "We could buy a boat for that much money..." So, the circus is out.
But that leaves alot of questions to be answered when the time comes. I'd rather do nothing than do something half ass...I'd rather elope than deal with the drama that is sure to ensue over who to invite and who not to invite, and how much things cost, and what to serve at the reception (we aren't even engaged yet and my mom has already vetoed my initial idea).
We are in our 30's...we are only intending to do this once, and it is very important to me that we do it right. But by that I mean, right in the way that is right for US...not everyone else. Part of me really, really hopes that we get lucky enough to do this a little backwards, with a baby on board before we get into this nonsense...it would solve alot of problems. We would have an excuse to do it, and do it fast ;)
Of course, there is, in most cases, the matter of getting married before you get to the babies part. I know I want a big, beautiful dress. And that's about as far as I ever got on wedding ideas, since my last engagement was, well, a fiasco of epic proportion...with everyone and their monkey's uncle putting in their 2 cents until what I wanted was pushed so far down the list that I forgot what it was.
With the last longest relationship I had...I pretty much figured that if it ever got to the marriage point, we were eloping, for 1000 reasons, each of which outweighed any good reason not to.
And now, here I am again, with weddings on my mind, since I am pretty sure one is looming in the not to distant future. And here's the thing...I just don't have a fucking idea what I want. I know that Stewart does not want a circus. Neither do I. I also know that if I told him that wedding cakes can cost in the thousands of dollars, not to mention every other petty ridiculous cost, his head would very likely explode. When we talked about how much weddings can cost, I think his exact response was along the lines of, "We could buy a boat for that much money..." So, the circus is out.
But that leaves alot of questions to be answered when the time comes. I'd rather do nothing than do something half ass...I'd rather elope than deal with the drama that is sure to ensue over who to invite and who not to invite, and how much things cost, and what to serve at the reception (we aren't even engaged yet and my mom has already vetoed my initial idea).
We are in our 30's...we are only intending to do this once, and it is very important to me that we do it right. But by that I mean, right in the way that is right for US...not everyone else. Part of me really, really hopes that we get lucky enough to do this a little backwards, with a baby on board before we get into this nonsense...it would solve alot of problems. We would have an excuse to do it, and do it fast ;)
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