Lying

Lies.

We've all told them at one point or another, right?
"I won't be in to work today, I'm sick..."
"I can't help you because..."
"The dog ate my homework."

In a perfect world, the lies we inevitably tell would be for self-preservation. I am already stretched too thin to help you, but I don't want to look like a bitch or make you mad at me, so I am telling you I have a prior commitment. Either that, or they would be to save someone's feelings. There is no way in hell I would EVER go out with you, so I'm going to tell you I already have a boyfriend so I don't have to tell you the painful truth.

In a perfect world, no one would ever even know you lied...and certainly your lies would not hurt anyone.

Unfortunately, we all know that we don't live in a perfect world. We tell lies and sometimes those lies end up hurting people. What I can't figure out is people that lie for the sake of it.

Why would you say you are having tacos for dinner if you are having pizza? Does it matter? Is it a big deal?

The thing is, the world gets smaller and smaller, and so does your privacy. I can SAY I'm not going out tonight, but there's a good chance that one of my friends will tag me on facebook as checked in here or there. I can say I am single, but my facebook clearly says I am in a relationship. So many of my friends are connected in some way to my other friends that word travels...and I know that this isn't a problem unique to me.

I guess what I am trying to say is...be careful what you say and who you say it to. Or better still...STOP TELLING POINTLESS LIES.

Here's something weird about me: I enjoy cutting the lawn.

I live in an apartment right now, so I don't have a lawn...but BGF does, so every now and then I go over to his house and cut his rather significant lawn. It makes me laugh, because there are 3 men that live there and they have a girl come cut their grass. Really though, it's because I want to.

I don't know what it is. I think that sometimes so many things in my life seem out of control and so many problems are not a quick fix that I love the cathartic chore of seeing a problem and knowing that I can not only fix it...but I can watch the tangible results of my work in progress immediately.

So, I spent the afternoon yesterday cutting the lawn and felt pretty good (although pretty hot lol) when I was finished.

A public service announcement...

So, I'm trying to figure something out, and I just can't. It dawned on me today watching someone I know deal with a shitty relationship...and made me think of several other people I know that are in somewhat of the same situation...and in turn that made me think of things I've gone through, and damn it, I'm confounded.

When you are in a relationship, it's supposed to be easy. I don't mean easy like you don't have to work at it or put any effort into it, because of course that isn't true. By easy I mean it's not supposed to be the biggest source of misery in your life. It's not supposed to make you cry more than you laugh. It's supposed to be positive and healthy. So for God's sake, when it isn't, why do we as women try so fucking hard to hold onto it?

We make excuses. We make deals with ourselves, with God or whoever our higher power may be. We make promises to our friends that see we are in toxic situations and try to rescue us...promises we very likely have little to no intention of keeping. We look at ourselves and wonder what is wrong. If only I was thinner/prettier/richer/smarter/taller/shorter/had bigger boobs/a bigger ass. We try to change ourselves in order to be more of what we think someone wants.

Here's the thing though...if you aren't good enough the way you are...then newsflash: YOU ARE IN THE WRONG FUCKING RELATIONSHIP. The right guy (or girl I guess, it goes both ways) is going to love you for all your faults. And you will feel comfortable with him...telling him anything...being yourself. You don't keep him on a pedestal because he's human and has as many stupid quirks as you do. You don't put yourself out repeatedly if he isn't reciprocating. You don't owe him any more than he owes you- which is love, respect, and honesty.

You stop selling yourself short because you feel so lucky that someone is paying you any attention...even if it isn't positive attention.

Am I all preachy now because I think Stewart is awesome and it's all easy for me to say now? No. I'm all preachy because I am sick and tired of watching the girls I care about being treated badly when they are moving heaven and earth to make these men happy and these relationships work. We all deserve better.

Alix's Family...

My 4 year old niece is in pre-school 3 days a week, and apparently one day last week her teacher pulled my sister-in-law aside with a story.

Alix's assignment was to draw a picture of her family...and she drew 3 people, which she told the teacher were her, her brother, and her mom. The teacher became confused because she thought she recalled that Alix did indeed have a dad that lived at home. She thought maybe she'd been mistaken so she checked on her file, and sure enough, Alix DOES have a dad at home. All the more confused, the teacher questioned Alix again, "Alix, don't you have a daddy that lives at home?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Alright, alright, fine. I do have a daddy. But he's never home."

It's sad that my brother's job as a coach requires him to be away from the kids so often...but also funny that in response, Alix has excommunicated him from family drawings. That kid definitely has a Court sense of humor.

Reflecting...

13 years ago today, everything in my life changed.

What I thought, how I felt, the path my life was on...in one afternoon that I can STILL recall every detail of, a big, wonderful, crazy, amazing, mess was set in motion.

13 years later, here's what I can look back and say:

It has brought me laughter and tears.
It has brought me inexplicable joy and utter heartbreak.
It has brought me the best of friends and the worst of enemies.
It afforded me opportunities that I never imagined I would ever have the chance to be a part of.
It made me feel like I wasn't that little fat girl anymore...it made me feel beautiful.

Did it turn out the way I expected? Of course not.
Would I change a minute of it? Not on your life.

So much has changed since then...I have and you have...but you are still in my life and I imagine you always will be.

Thanks for the memories...and whatever insanity will inevitably be to come.

And I'll take things that could potentially be awkward for $200, Alex...

This one is for you, Brain...

So, BGF has a girlfriend...yippeee! He's happy, he's smiling, he's excited, he could (finally) be thinking long term...he has also yet to tell her about what I once called his "only baggage"- me.

Not me exactly, because not only has he introduced us (me being his "oldest and dearest friend" or something along those lines), but we hung out at Jamie's birthday party, and now we are even- gasp- facebook friends.

Being that I am a girl...here's the thing...we've known each other since we were 16. We've been best friends for almost 20 years. Oh, and during the first part of that 20 years, we were dating and engaged. But that was a LONG time ago. And now we just like to hang out and make fun of each other, although some of us are better at it than others (I win that one, Tom Collins). But, we hang out alot, and we talk alot. Seriously the only person I talk to more than I talk to him is my mom. As a girl, I think he needs to tell his new gf this information. Because if he doesn't, it's like an awkward secret.

I KNOW it's only because his last gf hated (ok, ok, I hear you saying she didn't hate) me that he is afraid to tell her. I get it. But already I can see that this girl is way different than the last one. I am afraid that the longer he waits, the more of an issue it will become when he tells her...and the last thing I want is for it to be an issue...because he and his happiness are very important to me. Also because I like to nap on his couch and eat Brandon's bbq.

So, BGF...tell her like it's the non-issue that it is...and if you do, I promise not to introduce her to Jordan Knight, haha ;)

GTL? Who cares!

Bare with me, I'm about to prove a point...

Every night I set my alarm for some weird time...like 6:23. I pick this time because 6:20 seems too early to wake up and 6:30 is too late. Does this make sense? Not really, but it doesn't matter anyways, because I usually wake up before it even goes off.

I lay in bed and Memphis licks my face, stretches out on her back, and I rub her tummy for a few minutes while Austin becomes coherent and then wants in on the action.

I pick up my cell, check my emails, check facebook, sometimes twitter, put the phone down and then get on the computer and check all the same things again as if they might have changed in the last 3 minutes. I waste time that I shouldn't playing bejeweled or slots on facebook, will myself to stop, decide if I need to take a shower before work or if it can wait the 2 hours until I drop the kids off and come back home.

I go into the kitchen and open the first of many Diet Cokes of the day...maybe I'll eat a yogurt or some cereal or pick at something...maybe not.

I get dressed, I take the dogs out, I get in the car and talk to my mom the entire drive to work, while swearing at no less than 3 shitty drivers on my way.

Are you bored yet? Do you care? Do any of the inane details of my everyday life matter to you?

So here's my ranting point of the day:

There are several people on my facebook that update their statuses 36 times a day with this kind of stuff.

"I'm at the gym"

"Gym time- doin' abs"

"I'm drinking my breakfast shake"

"Got the kids off to school"

Now don't get me wrong...every now and then, fine...but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Look, if you post that you are at the gym every morning, by the 386th time I KNOW you are at the gym. So do 386 other people. You don't have to tell us every single day because we KNOW.

If you tell me and your other 386 fb friends that you drink a breakfast shake every morning, you don't have to keep repeating it 3 months later...WE GET IT.

Now, clearly I ought to have better things to do myself than rant about this, but OMG, while I was at the gym this morning drinking my breakfast shake after I dropped the kids off at school, it annoyed the shit out of me. ;)

If you have something interesting, funny, worthwhile, sad, whatever that you want to post, cool...but for God's sake, stop posting the pointless minutia of your days. Nobody cares.

Testing...testing...1...2...3

It's one of those things. Like the day you decided you are on a diet, you wake up and find a tray of chocolate chip cookies on your counter. You don't know where it came from. You don't even care. You just know that no cookie ever looked as good, and you can't think of any moment in your life when you wanted ANYTHING more than you want one of those cookies. And then, you are forced to decide. Do you really want that cookie? Do you want to blow that diet before you even got it off the ground? Is that one stupid cookie worth it?

Here I am, in the middle of one of those tests. I am staring down at an orange blinking Skype notification as I type this. It's the FIFTH (yes, 5th) such notification I've received since 11:30 last night. Ex-FWB is back in full force.

In the cookie analogy I mentioned how good the cookie looked and how you wanted that cookie more than anything. So let me be clear before I continue...he does NOT look as good as that cookie, and I do NOT want him more than anything. I've had him before. I'd rather have a cookie. That being said, I am a people pleaser. While I am NOT finding it impossible to not sleep wtih him or mess around with him in any way, I AM finding it impossible not to talk to him. And not because I necessarily want to, but because I feel compelled to. He's talking to me...it would be rude if I didn't respond, right? He was a part, and a big part, of my life for coming up on 13 years now. Some people's marriages don't last that long, lol. And that being said, there have been times...many times...in the past that I've thought I was done with him only to be sucked back in.

How can I help but find it ironic that it is when I am in the beginning of a potentially amazing new relationship that he decides how much he misses me? It's a test. It has to be. He has been the benchmark that I have measured every single man against for the past 13 years. And I could be with him right now if I wanted to.

So...what's it going to be?

I could go take a shower and drive 3 minutes and be in his bed...and I'd spend the morning having sex that was adequate at best, watching the Flintstone's and if I was lucky, washing it all down with a frosty glass of Kool-Aid. (No, I'm not kidding. I'm dead serious down to the Kool-Aid)

OR

I can make myself some bacon and eggs and eat it while thumbing through all the Thanksgiving cookbooks I've pulled from my collection in anticipation of Stewart coming down for the holiday. I can wait for him to wake up and text me good morning and make me smile because maybe for the first time, I'm the first thing someone thought about in the morning. I can think about how he told me he was going to rent some Harry Potter movies when I'm there next week because he's "gotta keep his girl happy". I can wait for Jamie to message me that she's heard from her potential new Prince Charming....but I digress ;)

It's both amazing and amusing to me how God throws these life curveballs at you. This time though, I'm pretty sure this is one test I am going to pass. The Skype notification is STILL blinking. I think I'm going to leave it that way...

Seriously, I've immediately changed my mind LOL

So, Google is the best and worst thing ever. You can seriously Google ANYTHING and get some sort of information. And I'm kind of nervous about this Army Ball, so I've been Googling. I changed my mind, I DO NOT want to go. I'm scared.

First, I'm pretty sure my dress is perfectly appropriate and gorgeous, at least I hope it is. Because I keep reading about how it can't be too revealing or too low cut, because that reflects on your date and will likely make both of you a subject of gossip. I have three divisions of clothing in my closet: sweats, jeans, hoochie mama club clothes. Does any of that sound appropriate? Not so much...and so that means my point of reference on what is 'conservative' to me may not acutally be conservative at all. Let's not even get started on shoes, because that's a whole situation right there.

Second, I guess there's a receiving line where you meet all these military head honchos. I don't like shit like that- AT ALL. I'm shy bordering on sort of anti-social if I don't know anyone, and I'm not going to know anyone but Stewart. And there is a bunch of etiquette and protocol involved that I know nothing about. One blog I read said if I'm unsure about what fork to use or which glass to toast with or whatever, to look to the wife of the senior most officer at our table, and do what she does. Where the hell is Barney from Pretty Woman when I need him?

So, yeah...suffice it to say, I'm mildly flipping out. I can't even drink, because I'll be tipsy 1/2 a margarita in, and while that may help loads with my nerves, it certainly isn't going to lend anything to the etiquette situation.

Anyone wanna talk me down?

Message to Myself

Dear Me,

Please remember what I am about to tell you...and LISTEN TO ME:

Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.

You have been down this road...many times. You are on a different, better road now. You KNOW this. REMEMBER THIS.

That is all.

Love,
Me

3 important Wednesday tidbits (even though it's Thursday now)

First of all, I want to wish Jamie an amazingly happy birthday. I hope that this year brings excitement, joy, and love...only great things. You deserve it!

Second of all, I am glad Kat is going to bed feeling a little better than she was earlier...and my sincere wish is that the rest of your life ends up like the first two weeks of things were...and she knows what I mean ;)

Third of all...I am being uncharacteristically quiet about Stewart. It's funny, because I was talking to my friend Tami once and she said when she realized her husband Gary was 'the one', she didn't want to tell anyone. We were discussing one of my ex's at the time, who at that point wasn't an ex yet, lol...and I thought, well damn, he's so awesome I want to tell everyone. He's hot, and 25, and smart, and we lay around for hours talking about books and movies, and playing Black Ops, haha. I couldn't understand why you wouldn't want to tell everyone...but guess what, homeslices...I don't want to tell anyone this time. I mean, yes, I've admitted we're dating. I guess I've admitted to the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing to most of my friends...but I haven't elaborated too much. Maybe I'm afraid to. Maybe I'm just so excited that I don't even feel like sharing any of it. Maybe I'm kind of enjoying the (for once) quiet, natural progression of things. Maybe I feel like the smile on my face says enough and I don't even need to say anything. I'm not looking for signs or bullshit or anything...I'm just here and he's just here, and I'm going to be such a girl now and quote my favorite movie, Untamed Heart...."He doesn't make sense. I don't make sense. Together, we make sense." He said something along those lines the 3rd night we went out, and I fed him that line...and he liked it. So look, I'm not going to sit here and tell you how sweet he is, or how well he's treating me, or how we've spent hours every day since we left MI going back and forth about how much neither of us can wait for the 1st. I'm just going to say I'm excited, and I'm happy, and I can't believe I might be falling for that kid that lived around the block from me for 18 years.

I might've had a few margaritas tonight. Yeah, I definitely had a few margaritas tonight.

Kat and I had some major girl talk to catch up on...and besides that, I felt majorly nostalgic today. You know, you move on, and things change, but certain people are always going to hold a spot in your heart, just based on how important they were in your life. Ex-fwb has been in contact the last few days, and its nice. I am glad that in spite of everything, we are still friends. That was a long ass period of time, and it would be sad to me if that wasn't the case. I've always maintained that the best thing you can say about any relationship that ends is that you don't regret it. In 34 years, there's only one that I regret, so I guess that's a pretty good track record. And because I firmly believe that life is a series of events that leads you to the next one, and everything is a cause and effect, maybe I can't even say I regret that one.

Either way, I am feeling so positive, and so good, and so lucky...and so tipsy ;)

Bridezillas...

I don't usually watch this show. I think it's idiotic. But whatever I fell asleep watching last night was on this channel, and so I woke up to a marathon of Bridezilla episodes.

Are these women serious? Do people actually act this way? One girl flipped off her grandfather. Another 300lb bride tackled her bridesmaid and was rolling around on top of her, punching her in the back.

Out of curiousity, how is that any of them found a man to go on a SECOND date with them, let alone propose?

This show is a train wreck, or more specifically, these women are train wrecks. I wonder how many stay married more than a year? LOL...

Happy Birthday to Alix

Four years ago today, I was driving down Sand Lake, heading to work, passing by McDonald's, when the phone call I had been waiting ALL day for finally came.

"Alix Lind Court is here." my mom said, laughing and crying at the same time. And then I was crying and laughing too. She was a grandma. My dad was a grandpa. My brother was a dad. I was an aunt. There was another person in the family.

And she has brought us so much joy in the last 4 years. I don't get to see her as much as I would love to, but we make up for it when I do. I could play with her, and Cade, all day long...and I have, lol. I might be biased, but she is brilliant, and hysterically funny, and absolutely gorgeous. I am so blessed to be her aunt. I am so blessed to have been able to go to Disneyland with her and see her face when she met the Princesses 'in person'. I am so blessed that when I am with her, she wants me to put her in her carseat and me to lay with her while she falls asleep.

So, Happy Birthday to my very favorite niece...I know this year will bring lots of excitement and changes (a new baby brother or sister!). I can't wait to watch the beautiful woman that you will grow into!!

How to spend the afternoon...decisions, decisions...

It's 1pm.

I cooked a breakfast feast of bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. I half watched 3 episodes of Extreme Home Makeover on TVLand. I played virtual slot machines on Facebook. I breathed a sigh of relief that Stewart made his flight and got back home to El Paso safely. I shopped online for dresses (again) and now I am watching Coraline. In other words, I have done nothing.

I was supposed to go to Tami and Gary's for pool/BBQ time this afternoon, but something came up so we rescheduled. That has left the day wide open.

Hmmm...part of me wants to go to Disney, but then I keep remembering it's 100* outside in the shade. Part of me wants to go to the Wizarding World because I have some souvenirs to pick up before Texas...but again, that whole 100* thing. I also want to go see Fright Night, because Colin Farrell as a vampire sounds like a lovely way to spend an excruciatingly hot day. I also need to stop by my job at some point.

In reality though, I'll wrap up this blog, climb back into bed with Memphis & Austin, probably fall asleep, and wake up in 2 hours saying, "How should I spend the afternoon?"
It's ok though, because in 2 hours, it will still be the afternoon, and then I can figure it out.

Good night ;)

You know, I'm really short.

I had an unexpected day off today. Lately it feels like I have more time off than I actually work...although when I do work, it's insane. I am going to be so glad when the kids go back to school and the schedule evens out a little bit more. But I digress...I had an unexpected day off, so I decided that the best way to spend the afternoon was searching out a dress for the Army Ball. (Yes, Jamie, Mom, Michelle, & Heather...I am aware the afternoon would have been better spent taking my car in)

Umm...Jesus, I am short. I mean, I knew I was short...but it doesn't really occur to you just how miniature you actually are until you start trying on long dresses. I had to stand on my tip-toes just to see how the dress would look without being pooled at my feet. I found a couple that I kind of liked, but nothing that was like THIS IS IT!! I have a bad feeling that this is going to be a futile process. I was just telling my mom how excited I was because one thing I have always regretted is that I wore short dresses to both proms. Looking back I wished I'd had a long dress, so this is my do-over. I realize now the reason I wore short dresses is probably because every long dress I tried on midgetized me. And to top it off, I can't even wear heels. I mean, I guess I could wear heels, but then I'd be taller than Stewart.

I won't lie though...I'm having fun trying them on. I know the perfect dress is somewhere out there. And then, the next step will be figuring out how to transport it from here to Dallas and Dallas to El Paso without it getting ridiculously wrinkled. Any ideas anyone? LOL

My friends are the bestest...

Here are some of the many reasons I love my friends:

Jamie, whom I've known just over a month, knows my car is 'broken'. She made me an appointment to get it fixed, because, yes, I am a procrastinator and probably would not have made the appointment in such a timely manner (or ever). And then, she followed up...making sure I was indeed going to get it fixed...SOON. How can someone who has known you for such a short while know you so well already? On top of that, she has been the initiator of the last few lightbulb moments I have had with her amazing advice...and she came with me to hang out with Jordan Knight and Donnie Wahlberg. I <3 Jamie :)

Kat has been a lifesaver the last couple of months, literally. I mean, there were a few moments there where I was questioning everything. Then we would go to Olive Garden and spend around 3 hours in the parking lot, hashing out the meaning of life and the minds of men...and even if we didn't quite solve anything, we made it through to the morning. I <3 Kat.

Ryan has been my bgf and more accurately, my family, since I was 16 years old. I can call him any time of the day or night. I can ask him for anything. I can tell him anything...even the girly things or sex things or relationship things that make him want to plug his ears and sing "lalalalalalala". But in the end, he listens and advises, and he lets me come over and cut his grass and sleep on his couch when I am sad and bursting into tears every 10 minutes. (Because I enjoy cutting his grass lol) There has not been one time in 18 years I have needed him and he hasn't come through. I <3 Ryan.

I have known Tina since we were in kindergarten. We survived the 'fucky bucky' episode. We survived a couple of shitpile relationships. And more recently we have been each other's coaches and confidants...encouraging each other to follow our dreams and not settle for less than what we really want and deserve. She gave me a picture for Christmas that says, "I am the master of my own happiness" I look at it every day and think of her and think that yes, I am. I might not control everything, but I control how I react. She also is am AMAZING pastry chef ad made me the absolute coolest NKOTB birthday cake ever created. Because she's just awesome like that. I <3 Tina.

Sabrina was my friend of a friend, who just became my friend, lol. In the midst of the crazy last few years she has gotten married to a wonderful man, had 2 beautiful children, and gets excited with me and for me every time it seems like I might be on that track, too. We have epic plans for our children to be friends and have playdates some day, and being as they are about to turn 3 and 1, I am a little behind. And besides that, thinking of that trip to Miami when Sabrina the quiet non-drinker turned-for one night only-into Sabrina the very tipsy and opionated girl on the dance floor can ALWAYS put a smile on my face. I <3 Sabrina.

Heather is the Thelma to my Louise...or vice versa. All I know is that there are very few people I laugh with as much as I do with her. There are very few people that know as many of my secrets as she does. She has been my bff since we met in 4th grade...what 25 years ago? We can call each other at any time of the day or night and I've definitely made my share of 3am calls and texts...just last week..."If you are up call me immediately." and 2 minutes later, "If you are asleep, still call me immediately". And you know what? She did. And on top of all that, she had the foresight to make sure Stewart and I got together when we were home...and we know how that's been going :) I <3 Heather.

Michelle and I reconnected thanks to her son and my mom who unexpectedly became student and teacher a few years ago. In that time, she's become one of my best friends and is always ready to hear my latest hairbrained story or make a run to pick me up at the airport. And, she's been on stand-by to drive down and move me away for a year now LOL. I <3 Michelle.

Becky and Kim I might not talk to every day, but I know they are always there to laugh about sportcasters ;), comiserate over life and love while we drink wine coolers at my mom's kitchen table, and promise me that indeed, my day will come, LOL. I <3 Becky and Kim.

I am really, really lucky. I know I try to tell them this all the time, but it doesn't quite seem like enough. I want you all to know how very, very much I appreciate you. You are all super duper awesome!! xoxox

In spite of wishing I was still home...

I did miss Dylan.

We had the afternoon to ourselves yesterday, and the stuff that comes out of that kid in the backseat is priceless.

First, a song comes on and he says, "Is this Chasen?"

"No. It's a group from the 80's called Wham!..."

"The 80's...was there a oneties?"

"Nope."

"But there was an 80's and a 90's...but no oneties, and no tenties, right?"

"Right."

"Then somebody is counting wrong."

I was barely recovered from that when a Backstreet Boys song comes on...Quit Playing Games With My Heart...and the line, "Everything I do is for you..." plays.

Again, Dyl pipes in, "So, he gets Pokemon cards for her? He eats lunch for her? He pees for her? And he sings this boring song for her? I bet she wishes he didn't."

This kid is 5...where does he get this shit?

A funny thing happened today...

My phone alerted me to a text message.

It could have been any one of a bunch of different people...but it was Stewart. And damn it, I got excited. Like "hey kids, do you want ice cream for lunch?" kind of giddy. It's been quite a while since I felt that kind of butterflies in my stomach excitement. And recognizing the triumphant return of that feeling made me ever giddier.

We had a skype date tonight and we talked about my trip to El Paso for the Army Ball. I'm super excited, but I would like to point out that El Paso is the most cluster-fucked place in the continental US to get to. Seriously. But you know what, it doesn't matter. I'll figure it out, and I'll get there by plane, train, or donkey as the case may be. We have some big plans for that weekend and I'm not missing them. I like that he's making me smile...and I like that I'm making him smile...and I'm just enjoying that and not looking ahead.

Well, maybe a little ahead, because I DO need a dress for the ball... ;)

And vacation is ending...for now...

14 days ago, I was a mess.

And guess what? 14 days later, I'm still a mess. HAHA...but possibly less of a mess.

There are still about 46 unsolved problems I have to deal with when I get back home. But I will start dealing with those tomorrow.

For now, I am going to enjoy the last night afternoon and evening before shit gets more complicated again.

I had probably the best visit home I have had in a long time. I got to see so many of my friends...got to spend time with my mom and dad, and my aunt and cousins...started this thing with Stewart and I am excited to see where it may go.

I'll tell you this much. Things up here are way simpler. Now, that could be because when I am here, I am just hanging out at my parent's house, eating their food, driving their car, and spending their money, lol. But it just feels like life is simpler here... not as much drama. And I like that. And that's why I am trying to weed all the drama in FL out of my life.

My mom and Michelle are on stand-by to drive down with a U-Haul and move me back...their idea, not mine, but it makes me think. I am really, really ready for a whole different chapter in my life. REALLY ready.

I guess it's official...

Date #4 tonight...and I wasn't even certain we were getting to date #1.

We went to a surprise party for one of his friends...and not only did everyone make me feel welcome and included, but he introduced me as his girlfriend. So, I guess that makes it more or less official.

The initial shock is starting to wear off a bit and now, you know, it just feels nice. Am I a little gun shy at this point?...for sure. Actually, alot gun shy would be a better way to put it. But I'm going to have just a tiny bit of faith in the universe, and go along for the ride.

Well...

I don't know what is going on...but it's freaking me out 100%...and I don't like it.

And in other news, why does my Dad like to be so fucking oppositional?

I want to go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. He wants to go ANYWHERE else.

I want to go to Mongolian for lunch. He wants to go ANYWHERE else.

LOL...Jesus.

We spent the morning going to Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum.

I dragged my parent's there about 18 years ago...and when I told my dad I wanted to go again, he said, "That place is still open? How the fuck do you find these places? How many people are like you?" I took that as a compliment.

Indeed, if you didn't know it was there, you'd never find it. It's like, behind a strip mall...but is it ever cool. Hundreds of crazy games and rides and nutty things crammed into every corner of this smallish place. And you know what, I bet my dad used more quarters than I did ;) The only thing I was disappointed about was that they had all the old animated figures from Chuck E. Cheese, except for Chuck E...who was there last time. Where the hell did Chuck E. go?

Oh well, I ended up with enough tickets to get 3 fortune fish, a t-shirt, a slap bracelet, some Harry Potter glasses, a stuffed rose, and a pack of snapping trick gum...which probably cost us $50 in quarters and none of which I will ever use. But such is the fun of an arcade, right?

After the museum, we went to the Made in Michigan Festival...of which my dad proclaimed..."They sure don't make alot of shit in Michigan, do they?" and finished with, "I'll tell you, that kinda sucked. No, actually, it definitely sucked." The festival might have been a disappointment, but at least we spent the whole day laughing.

Again, I'm struggling with going back home.

Tonight I'm going out with Stewart again...and I'm looking forward to that, too. :)

Life throws some wicked curveballs...

I went out with Stewart again last night.

We went to Fishbone's and the weather was absolutely Michigan perfect, so we sat on the patio and had drinks and talked...and before we knew it 3 hours had passed. There was even actually a precise moment where I realized I'd stopped worrying about the other stuff going on, and I was just in the moment and relaxing and having fun. And it made me smile.

I'm only going to be here for a few more days, but I think we might try to hang out again. One day at a time...one day at a time.


Besides that, my mom and I are meeting friends for lunch and then we have Evan's birthday party tonight...after which we are meeting cousin's for drinks. I have gone out for 'drinks' more the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 2 years, lol.

I'm kinda feeling like I don't want to go back to FL...

And the aftermath...

So, I had a really nice time last night.

We laughed and we talked...and I was literally the only girl in an arena full of guys playing hockey, lol.

We had such a nice time, in fact, that we are planning to go out again before I leave on Sunday. His friend even invited me to hang out with them on the boat one day. We'll see. I'm still cracking up over the whole situation...including the fact that the whole time I was watching them play hockey, my old friend Mr. Sportscaster kept texting me asking "Is tonight the night?"

The night for what? Red light pornos in your bathroom? Didn't I already tell you that wasn't happening?

How funny life is...I've gotten everything I ever wanted (if I was 15)...and now I don't know what I want anymore. Everything is so upside down and inside out.

But, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and I'm having fun, and that's really all you can do most of the time ;)

And thanks to BFF...

I have a date tonight.

I think I'm excited.

If you had told the 15 year old me that I would ever be going out on date with this person, I'd have laughed in your face. For an hour. Or two.

But then again, there's alot of that going around lately. The 15 year old me is having a banner year.

So, we're going to Cheeseburger in Paradise for a drink, and then going to play hockey. Unfortunately, I did not bring any hockey rink worthy clothes, so chances are I am going to freeze my ass off. But that's ok.

Wish me luck. I was kind of hoping I was finished with this bullshit, LOL.