Happy New Year's 2012

I've had the best Christmas and New Year's I can remember having in years.

I spent the last day of the year seeing my WHOLE family...mom, dad, Rick, Molly, Alix, Cade & Memphis. All that was missing was Austin.

I spent the last night of the year with Stewart and new friends that 2011 brought into my life.

The only bad part was having to say good-bye at the end of the night, since he flies back to El Paso tomorrow. I hate that part...but I know that we will figure out some way to see each other again soon. It's luckily been working out that way so far.

This year is going to bring many positive things...I am looking forward to it.

Happy New Year's to everyone and may 2012 bring you much happiness and many blessings.

I got a migraine so bad last night that it woke me up. That sucked. I have been fighting it off all day too...I just keep medicating myself and as soon as I feel the meds start to wear off, I take some more. I am not at all thrilled with this new development in my life. Where are these migraines suddenly coming from? They can kindly go back to wherever they came from immediately.

That being said, I worked 12 hours today and amazingly the kids were pretty much angels. We went to see the decorations at the Disney hotels, rode the monorail, went to the arcade, had some lunch, walked around downtown Disney and finally saw Arthur Christmas...which was adorable (except for when I fell asleep, which clearly I can't comment on, lol).

The highlight of today was either when I asked the kids what their favorite part of the day was and Dylan's repsonse was "I like your arm." He was serious too, because he was super clingy and hanging on me all day long...or where Jess yelled, "Dylan just touched the mannequin's private parts!"

So, it was a good day in spite of my headache...and now I am home and counting down the hours until I get out of here. I just want to be with my family and my boyfriend.

So...

I have some super-mega-top secret news.

But, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret.

;)

It's working!!

So, after last night's holiday epiphany, I gave the expectations up and put it in the hands of God, Santa, and the ABC Family Channel...because these are the holiday trinity.

I woke up this morning and decided that I was in the mood to find a festive holiday outfit. I went shopping and found not one, not two, not even three...but FOUR, yes FOUR outfits that I loved...that looked awesome...and that all together fell well within what I had budgeted for ONE outfit. Oh yes, and they were in the second store I went into. That was exciting.

Then I went to Walgreen's and found the most excellent gag gift for Ryan.

Now, I am working on one last Christmas surprise...if I can pull it off, I will feel redeemed...and if I can't, I tried, and I am going to be happy that I did.

Tonight, I am going to go to Hollywood Studios-myself- and walk amongst the lights and decorations and immerse myself in the season, with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. And if I sound like a cliche, so be it. This is how I feel today :)

So this is Christmas...

I spent the evening at the Christmas show that Jamie wrote...which by the way, was fantastic...and I am not just saying that because I dearly love Jamie. I am saying it because I really, really enjoyed myself, and damn it...like the ghosts of Christmases past, present, and future were right there with me, I learned something.

Watching the 1000 or so people file in, all dressed in sparkly Christmas outfits and listening to a couple hours worth of carols, and I found myself wondering again, "What the fuck, Whitney? Ho ho ho...how come you aren't hanging stockings by the chimney with care and all that?"

And, really, why? I mean, I am definitely in a way better mood than I was a week or so ago. Things are coming together as much as they can at the moment. So how come I'm not feeling more holiday spirit?

First, I thought that maybe it's because it's so amazingly just HOT outside. I mean, yes, I know this is Florida. I like the hot weather. But you know, it's December...65 would be acceptable. But 80? Repeatedly? I'm wearing my boots and my sweaters...I have the Christmas station on Sirius radio...but I'm sweating and feeling like it should be Calypso music. But no, that isn't it.

Then I thought maybe it's the stress of moving...I've got a bare tree in my living room that my roommate put up for no apparent reason. It has no lights, no ornaments, and it won't either, because I'm leaving shortly and there is no point to be bothered with it all by myself. There are no presents, no stockings...and that makes me sad, because I love Christmas decorations too. But that isn't it either. That, I think, is more a symptom than a cause. Because, usually, none of the aforementioned reasons would have stopped me from decorating the shit out of this place anyway.

But tonight, listening to the story, and how Christmas IS about presents, but not in the way that we think...not material things, but the gift of time, and love, and friendship, and peace...and it hit me. The problem with Christmas is that my EXPECTATIONS of it are so high, and there is so much going on this year besides, that I just don't have the patience, time, or stamina to try to make it live up to what I want it to be. And so I just haven't even really tried.

I love traditions. I love doing the same special things every year. But this year, while I have more special people in my life than I have in years past...new friends, a new boyfriend...I feel amazingly alone here in this sad lonely apartment. I know this is soon to change, but not soon enough. My family is not coming down here and by the time I get up to Michigan, it's almost Christmas. I have shopped alone, wrapped alone, watched cheesy movies alone, even gone to Disney alone.

I love presents, getting them, sure...but more, I love giving them. I also like to outdo myself with amazing gifts for people I love, and this year, well, I had no outlandish ideas. Nothing spectacular I could either think of or afford to do for anyone that would be awesome. And that makes me feel as though I have failed at something that I have come to be famous (or maybe infamous) for. No one wanted anything, no one needed anything, there was no new technological thing that everyone needed or wanted. I'm pretty sure the only person that really wanted anything big and spectacular and amazing is me...and I'm also pretty sure I'm not going to get it yet, lol...which is ok too. In time, it will come.

And, I am worried about intertwining Christmas. We celebrate on Christmas Eve...Stewart's family does too. Can we get to my cousin's and his parent's and spend enough time at each that no one feels screwed or rushed? Can I find a way to let it be both of our responsibilities to figure that out...and not take that on myself to orchestrate correctly, therefore adding even more stress to my already over stressed life?

So, I realize that the issue is that Christmas is, for me, all about expectations that cannot possibly be met within a span of 48 hours that encompasses Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I spend too damn much time worrying about making sure that everyone gets an insane amout of presents ( myself included, if I'm being honest)...too damn much time worrying that I will get fat if my mom uses regular sausage in the strata ( a meal which I eat ONCE a year, which will clearly neither make me fat or kill me to eat)...too damn much time worrying about forgetting to watch Nation Lampoon's Christmas Vacation like we do every year...too damn much time worrying about shit that really truly DOES NOT MATTER.

What matters is that I am blessed with two parents that love me unconditionally and still, 35 years later, strive to make sure I not only have amazing Christmases, but as amazing of a life as they can help me to have. What matters is that I have job and a roof over my head, and that my brother and my parents do to...and that we have food on the table every day, and the ability to be able to see each other, despite the distance that separates us, several times a year. What matters is that I have wonderful friends that care about me and bring so much joy and fun to my life...and who are there for me when the chips are down. What matters is that I have, finally, FINALLY, found happiness with a wonderful man that makes me laugh every single day...makes me feel beautiful...and is not going to be in Iraq or Afganistan this Christmas. We are all healthy enough, and happy enough...and really, at the end of the day, that is ALL THAT MATTERS.

So what I am going to try to do now is step away from all the expectations that surround my holiday. I am going to enjoy the company of my friends and family. I am going to laugh uncontrollably several times in the next few weeks. I am going to be grateful for what we have been able to afford to put under the tree and I am going to say a prayer of thanks that I have never experienced a Christmas without food, or gifts, or love. I am going to enjoy every moment I have with Stewart and not worry too much about the day that he has to go back to Texas and me to Florida. There is time to worry about that later. I am going to enjoy this Christmas like no Christmas before. At least, that is my plan.

I was going to say that there are 3,824, 982 things on my to-do list, and I have accomplished exactly none of them today so far.

Then I realized that that would be a lie. I did accomplish one. I got Memphis booked onto my flight home next week. Unfortunately it costs more to fly my dog home than it costs to fly ME home. I am not kidding. But, she's worth it, so Memphis will be celebrating Christmas in the D as well ;)

While I honestly couldn't afford to taking a time out this morning, time wise, I worked over 50 houes last week and have worked 43 so far this week. I needed a break.

I watched Home Alone 2, I ate a gingerbread pop-tart, 2 diet Cokes, and a cherry caramel. I looked at cookbooks online. I talked to my mom and Michelle. I took a nap. I talked to Stewart, who is on a layover in Dallas, en route to Detroit. I wished that I was ALSO en route to Detroit, and not 6 days away from it.

Ahh, well, I am going to take a shower, go work a very paltry 4 hours, in which I honestly put in the most minimal amout of effort I can without actually being asleep, and then I am going to Jamie's holiday show this evening.

And THEN, after all that, I will come home and do something productive here that I probably should have already done.

Tomorrow is Saturday. If I can accomplish enough, I am going to reward myself with an afternoon at Disney or Universal. Actually, I might just reward myself anyway ;)

Wow, I'm just full of wit and wisdom today, aren't I? LOL

I am watching Live with No More Regis and Kelly...and Kevin Jonas is today's guest co-host.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. In 10 years, when he has gone through a bitter divorce, come out of the closet, and written a tell-all book, don't say I didn't tell you so.

I'm just sayin'...

I think Jamie wrote this...

THIS IS AMAZING. READ IT. DO IT.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

If you are familiar with the story of Beaches, you know that it is the story of best friends Hillary and CeCe. Hillary grows up, gets married and becomes a mom. CeCe becomes a star that travels the world and gets herself into all sorts of crazy situations. At least, that's the gist of it. When I was younger and saw this movie with my best friend Heather, I absolutely thought I would grow up to be the Hillary. I mean, there was no question. So years later, as adults, when Heather referred to me one day as CeCe, I was like, "What?"

"You are the CeCe." she repeated. "I'm the Hillary and you are the CeCe." It floored me that that was how she viewed me and my life...as this jet-setting, crazy lifed, party girl. And, perhaps, in a way I was...although I never felt like it. I always felt like the Hillary, always assumed that that was where I would end up.

In the last year, I have transitioned out of CeCe for the most part. I like this transitioned me alot better. I like my life and the friends that have either come into it or transitioned with me much better. And last week, when I was watching tv something occured to me that made me laugh.

Do you watch The Middle? The Christmas episode last week was awesome...and I realized that I no longer imagined myself as the CeCe. I can almost feel that in a year or two, I am going to be the Frankie...the mom on that show. I mean, this might not seem like the best aspiration to anyone that has seen the show, but you know what? I like her. I like her life...and because of things that are going on, I think that it's a pretty realistic expectation. Not perfect, but real.

So, I thought I'd be the Hillary but I spent almost my whole adult life so far playing a part I was never meant for. I think I finally found a good role.

Merry Migraine

The last 2 or 3 months or so, I have been getting migraines.

I have always been plagued with tension headaches, mostly from work stress or roommate stress...but these have been the beginnings of full on migraines. It's concerning me a little, but luckily, I have been able to head most of them off at the first sign with a combination of caffeine and Advil. Today however, I was not so lucky.

I took Jess Christmas shopping after school and as we were leaving Target, I felt it starting. They are all the same, all beginning as piercing pressure behind my right eye and radiating through the whole right side of my head.

I opened a Diet Coke asap, but I didn't have any Advil on me. I needed to get Dylan and get home. I didn't catch this one fast enough.

The pain was so bad, it made my eye water. Not crying, but just watering. I finally got the kids home and told them to read quietly while I tried to recover. I downed some Advil and put my head back on the chair. Next thing I know, I feel two tiny fingers rubbing my forehead. I open my eyes and Dylan is standing next to me.
"When I have a headache, I always rub where it hurts and that makes it feel better."

He probably stood there for a good 15 minutes, and eventually, amazingly, it worked. I mean, it was just better. It might have been the Advil, but I would like to think it was because this super sweet 6 year old was so concerned that I felt better that he made it so.

My job drives me nuts a good majority of the time..but moments like this afternoon, I wouldn't have wanted to be doing anything else.

Dream a little dream...

I went to bed super early last night...like 9:30. I can't tell you the last time I went to bed that early. I worked about 60 hours last week though, and I anticipate that this week will be similarly busy, so I'm trying to keep ahead on my rest, lol.

Well, I don't know whether it was that I had about 4 extra hours to dream ot something I ate before I went to bed...but man, did I have so bizarre dreams. You know the kind where you wake up and you're like, "What the hell was that all about?"... You feel a little bit disoriented and strange.

I'm glad the day is beginning and I'm finished with Theater Bizarre in my mind.

I wish me a Merry Christmas...

I worked for 16.5 hours yesterday.

I am tired.

Surprisingly, I am also in a good mood.

Counting down the days until I am spending the holidays with Stewart, my family, and my friends.

But before I get to that part, I have just given myself an early Christmas gift. It's one I should have given myself a long time ago...

I unsubscribed from someone's feed on facebook, lol. She can now happily carry on with her complaints and drama without me :)

Happy Holidays!

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa...

Dear Santa,

Although I have been on holiday strike, due to recent events I have decided to reinstate Christmas. I even wore a t-shirt that resembled a Santa suit today. Ho Ho Ho...it's on. I realize it's late in the season to be passing along my list to you, but I'm telling you Santa, I have been good this year. I have put up with some bullshit, and then some more bullshit, and then a little more bullshit still. And while my boyfriend said it best...that he didn't need anything because he already had everything he wanted...there are a *few* little things I desire. I won't even put the Bumblebee Camaro on this list, because I know that would take up a fat lot of room on your sleigh, but here are, in no particular order, the top 7 things I want for Christmas that I won't tell anyone I want...except you.

#1- an Ipad 2. Yes, I already have an Ipad. Yes, it works just fine. No, it does not have a camera. And I am convinced that this camera feature will change my life. At least, until the Ipad 3 comes out, which it will, probably on December 26th. But in the meantime...

#2- a laptop. And no, I don't need an amazing laptop. And technically the one I have still works...about as well as a 1982 cell phone works in 2011. I don't need a $3000 one, just one built in this century.

#3- a new pair of Uggs. The same length as the ones I have now, but in that darker brown color, or black. Size 7. Because I love them. Because they are SO comfy. Because even though it is 80 degrees here right now, I still rock them every day.

#4- the heart lock or double heart tag Tiffany necklace. They are only $125, which in terms of Tiffany's prices is practically free. And although I generally have little to no use for jewelry, I adore the Tiffany key necklace I have and want another one.

#5-This doll: http://store.americangirl.com/agshop/html/set/id/1636 Because I need her. On Christmas morning. And BGF, if you are reading this, please don't call me with a lecture on needs vs. wants. I know the difference, and I know when I need a new doll. This one.

#6- The Smufs movie. Yes, the movie sucked. It sucked so bad it was probably the worst movie I saw in the last year. The best part of seeing it in the theater was taking Dylan to the bathroom. And yes, I want to see it again. And again after that. I don't know why. But I do...so that's #6.

#7- a one way ticket to El Paso...which I may trade #'s 1-6 for. I would also be willing to change #4 to a different piece of jewelry, but that isn't necessarily for you to worry about...although if you feel like putting in a good word St. Nick, I am sure as hell not going to argue.

So, there you have it. I will even leave you cookies and milk.

Love,
Whitney

The Joys of Christmas Shopping

I'm finished with Christmas shopping...my own anyways. I have all the packages bought, the stocking stuffers tucked away...and with the exception of a few tiny trivial things, I have what I need.

What I am not done shopping for is my boss. Every few days there is another list of things to buy. Now don't get me wrong, generally, I don't mind this. I actually kind of enjoy it, as long as my mood is perky. But as usual, in my line of work, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, but always are.

Today, one of those holiday lines was crossed.

Amongst the velour sweatsuits, cologne, and DS games, I was asked to buy " a sappy husband Christmas card...you know something about how great you are and how much I love you."

My boss has asked me to buy a Christmas card love letter for her husband. Which, I did.

But the thing is, if I was her husband, that would make me feel like shit. You can't go in Walgreens and pick me out a card yourself? The things about how great I am that you say in the card aren't even things you actually think, they are things our nanny thinks. Or things our nanny thinks YOU should be thinking about ME but clearly are not.

So, I spent a good 15 minutes reading holiday cards and trying to get one that was sufficiently sappy, but not so over the top that it would make me uncomfortable to know that I bought it for him, even though it is technically from her.

So, here's my ho ho holiday tip for today: If you are going to buy a card for your significant other...either pick the damn thing out yourself, or just stick to a To/From tag.

Cheers!

I had more fun last night than my mood would have imagined possible.

I did some Christmas shopping (yes, I am still on holiday strike, but that doesn't mean the rest of you have to suffer...you are all getting gifts, don't worry ;) and then after some chores...was invited to go with Jamie, Randy, Juan and Larry to the California Grill.

Jamie and I had a cheese course to begin with and I don't even have to go any further in addressing how AMAZING the food was, because anyplace that begins my meal with a cheese course already has my vote. But seriously, the cheese was delicious, the accompaniments were spot on, every thing I ate was better than the thing before...from my autumn squash lasagna to the caramelized bananas with marscarpone mousse.

But even better than the food was the company. I laughed, I felt loved, I realized how grateful and blessed I am to have fallen into such friends.

So to my new old friends, and my newer old friends...I love you all, and thank you for dinner and safety pins!!

That's it.

It really is.

I am officially cancelling my own Christmas this year. The rest of you, please carry on.

I am supposed to be going home for the holidays on the 21st or 22nd. I have to check my reservation because I can't remember.

That being said, I have seriously contemplating going on for the weekend on the 16th too. I mean, I know that seems sort of stupid, being that I will be there for all of 3 days before flying back here to play babysitter for 3 days, and then flying home again. But, I really don't care.

This seems like a great idea for several reasons...a little more pre-holiday prep with my family, girls night with Michelle, Becky, Kim, & Jill at my favorite restaurant, some time with Stew. And, I won't be sitting here, by myself, stewing away in my room.

So, maybe I'll do that.
Other than that, here I sit, no motivation to do a damn thing.

How the Grinch is Stealing Christmas...

Well, humbug still.

I have never felt so anti-social in all my life. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. This is bad, because of course, this is the time of year when you have to deal with everyone and everything 100% more than usual, lol.

My boss texted me no less than 100 times yesterday. I'm not even kidding. I spent the day doing her Christmas shopping, and every single time I thought I was finished I'd get another text that would say something like:

"And I also need 10 $5 gifts...lotions, candles? Any ideas?"

Here's an idea: go to the fucking mall yourself.

But instead, I would head back into another store and buy more shit that I was going to have to wrap and hide. I bought stocking stuffers for the whole family, which are right now divided into 5 bags and ready to be stuffed. I bought pajamas and a coffee maker for her husband. I bought a karaoke machine, a drum set, and 100 other gifts for the kids...all of which I picked out. The best of these is the Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker, which I got solely because I want to play with it. Anyone looking for a gift idea for me? I'd like my own damn Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker.

Today, I am looking for a ukelele and a canoe for the lake by their house. I HOPE that if I find this canoe she realizes that I am NEVER going to be riding in it. I'm sorry, but a blow up canoe in a lake that may or may not house alligators is not my idea of smart or fun.

I also have a paper due tomorrow, which is a research paper, which is like 40% of the grade for this class...which I have neither researched or written as yet. And...I don't really care. I will most likely stay up later tonight after my late night at work and begin it.

I actually SHOULD be doing that right now...but instead, I have been window shopping online and finding things I'd like to get people for Christmas and things I would like to get for Christmas that I won't ask anyone for anyways.

This holiday should be an amazing one. Instead, I feel like I am perched on the edge of a plank over shark infested waters, balancing on my tip toes.

Let's see if this helps my mood...

Bah Humbug.

And seriously, this disturbs me. It disturbs me alot, because I LOVE Christmas. I love decorating and shopping and Christmas songs and Santa hats and the whole entire 9 yards of lights and tinsel and wrapping paper.

But right now, I'm not feeling Christmasy at all.

I just got back from another trip to El Paso. I would rather have not gotten back from another trip to El Paso...I would have rather stayed there. But now, here I am, back in Florida, in an apartment inhabited by myself and two dogs...lonely and missing my boyfriend, who not only lives 2500 miles away, but is also in the Army which means there is always that fear in the back of your mind. And yes, yes, I know what I signed up for when I got myself into this, but I am allowed to have a hormonal bitchfest every now and then.

Besides that, I am learning things about myself still...one of which is that I have come to not only EXPECT people to disappoint me, I ACCEPT it. And that is UNACCEPTABLE. I shouldn't do that. I need to learn to better communicate my feelings and stop living in fear of being unloved or unwanted when I do...even though I have been conditioned through shitty relationships to be that way. I am ALLOWED to be hurt and disappointed, and I am ALLOWED to express that. I don't have to walk around with a fucking public smile on my face all the time just so that I can go and cry behind closed doors.

I guess maybe right now, I want to stop living my life...and not in any kind of suicidal way, but more like I just want to step outside of myself and watch like a third party. I want to go through the motions of the next few weeks with no emotional involvement. I just want to see what happens without having any investment in it...I am tired of everything right now.

What I Deal With in the Mornings...

Jess and Dylan, as usual, were conversing about totally inappropriate things on our way to school. Today's topic...Does Miss Whitney still talk to the last guy she dated?

"Does he ever try to talk to you?" Jess asked.

"Once in a while..."

"Well, do you talk to him?" Dylan pipes in.

"No."

"Why?" They ask in unison.

"Well...(and I choosing my words carefully...) because I don't have any reason to."

"No, because he was a stupid idiot," Jess says, "...and a weenie."

"Or that." I concur.

"I TOLD you that. But you didn't listen to me. You were all like, 'Oh he is so great...'. You should have listened to me." This- from an 8 year old.

"JESS! You shouldn't make fun of Miss Whitney!" Dylan cried in my defense.

"Dylan, it's for her own good."

"OOOKKKK...so, how about Stewart?" I ask, curious now.

"He's good." Dylan says.

"Yeah, he's good....FOR NOW. I have to meet him first to make sure I approve." Jess responds, then thinking about it adds, "What are his favorite tv characters?"

"Well, I think he likes the Simpsons."

"Ok," she answers, "then I approve."

I will be able to sleep better tonight, knowing that the kids approve, haha. Especially since this approval is apparently based upon the Simpsons...

Well...

Based on some conversations yesterday, I think I might have some rather interesting news to share in the next few months.

A LOT happened yesterday...which just may lead up to the best birthday I have ever had ;)

Fall is Here

<----- Adorable Cade playing in the leaves at preschool.


Fall is here and I just spent an amazing, rejuvenating weekend at the beach with Jamie and Laurice. The weather was perfection, the beach was deserted, and it was gorgeous all the way around. There is nothing better for the soul than a day watching the waves wash onto the shore and listening to the soothing sounds of the ocean.

Lessons in Army Life...

Every day since the last week of July, I have either been with Stewart or spent hours talking to or texting with him.

I have woken up smiling each one of these days, and gone to bed equally and consistently happy. I haven't had to guess or wonder about how he felt. I haven't had to make excuses. It feels like I have received an amazing and totally unexpected blessing having him in my life.

I spent last weekend in El Paso and we had a wonderful time. We hung out with friends, we ate out, we watched movies, we talked...we just spent time together and it was great. I was especially glad to have been able to go because for the next 2 weeks he will be out in the Field doing testing and other Army stuff. He will be home for 2 days, and then he will be back out for another 3 weeks. This means little or no contact for almost 5 whole weeks.

This sucks.

I haven't talked to him since Monday morning, right before I left. We made a kind of big deal admission to each other...and then he left and I left and that's been it.

Even though we weren't physically together all the time, we were 'together' anyways. I miss that. It's been 3 days, and I miss him like crazy.

And, I realize that this is my first real taste of Army life. Things like this happen. He will have to do this about 2 times a year. If-God forbid- he gets deployed, I am looking at a year without him. It's one of those things I have to deal with, and I understand that and support him...but, I don't have to like it. And perhaps selfishly, I don't. I miss 'Good Morning' and I miss 'Good Night' . I know he has it alot worse than I do right now, sleeping either in a tent or in his truck and eating field rations...but I'd happily go and sleep in a tent too, if it meant we could be together ;)

I just can't wait for him to get back...

Things that are just never ok to do...

There are two things that gross me out...I mean, really, truly gross me out.

#1: Used bandages.

#2: Toe nail clippings.


Seriously, seeing either of these things makes me want to vomit.

Well, good morning.
Apparently my boss is having a party tomorrow evening, and asked me if I would mind trying to keep the house as straightened up as possible this week in preparation for that. Well, sure...but shouldn't that apply to them as well? I walk in this morning and there is literally garbage everywhere. Dirty plates, empty wine bottles, food wrappers, etc. And being a hard worker and a trooper, I went to work trying to tidy up before the kids came downstairs.

That's when I saw it...sitting beside the couch on the end table, right next to a dirty wine glass, a bowl of pistachio shells, and a spoon, was a nice little pile of toe nail clippings. FOR REAL.

I gagged immediately, closed my eyes, backed out of the room and got myself a nice glass of cold water. WHO DOES THAT?! And more specifically, who does that knowing that someone else is most likely going to come into your house and see that you've done it? I sincerely hope they did not think I was going to clean them, because they will be lucky if I ever even go into that room again.

So that was the start of my morning. DISSSSSGUSTING.
Ugh.

With a heavy heart...

I just got back from El Paso...and I'll get to that.

But...this is first.

My friends had a baby last week, October 11th. A beautiful baby girl named Divya.
She weighed 6 lbs. and was 19.5 inches long.
She has a 5 year old big brother, who at first wanted a baby brother-until I told him a sister was better, because he would not have to share his 'boy toys' with her.

She passed away on the 14th.
It was unexpected, and there is no rhyme or reason as to why.
The assumption right now is that it was SIDS...not that is matters really, because it will not bring her back.

I did not get to meet her.
She will not celebrate her first birthday or Christmas or Halloween.
She will not wear all the tiny pink clothes that awaited her.
She will not fight with her big brother.

But she did feel love and I suppose that whatever the length of one's life is, that is the ultimate goal.

When things like this happen, I do not understand. I do not know what to say to the parents of this beautiful baby girl that anxiously awaited her arrival. I don't know how you move past this or feel better.

She lived for 3 days. I have to believe there is a reason for her short life in order to make sense of my own. I am going to try hard to remember when I am complaining about Monday's that this little girl never lived through one. I am going to try hard to remember when I am complaining about anything that her mom and dad have an empty crib and empty hearts.

Rest in peace, Divya.

So...

Here's what I love about my blog: not everyone on my facebook can read what I write here. So, with that in mind, let me just say (again)..

Oh my God! I do not, and I am sure 99% of the rest of your friends, do not give a SHIT about how many miles you ran today, yeseterday, and the day before. If you did a race, awesome, let us know, but if you are out doing 10 minute miles 6 days a week and you tell me about it every single one of them, all it serves to do is make me want to punch you in the face. I walk or run almost every day. Do you see me telling everyone every time I take a step? For fuck's sake.

And, ok, probably this is PMS talking...but holy hell, I don't care.

And honestly, that goes (again) for any redundant thing you do that you post about all the time.

This is my private service announcement for the day.

Well...

PMS sucks.

That's all I've got.

I'm currently Out of the Office...

"Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded. Someone sober will worry about events going badly. Let the lover be." Jalal Rumi

There are so few truly magical moments in life...I'm going to enjoy it. If something is wrong, I'm closed right now. I'm too busy falling in love.

Part 1....Untitled....here we go...

The pick-up rattled down the road, kicking up a cloud of dust in it's wake. Kirk glanced in his rear view mirror and a half smile played on his lips. "You don't see that in New York City..." he said out loud to no one in particular, mostly because he was alone in the car. Boxes took up space beside him and in the back of the truck. Boxes filled with the clutter and memories of a life he inwardly mourned and outwardly bid good riddance to. Finally, he pulled up to a ramshackle, two-story farmhouse, shaking his head. Kirk Allen was 38 years old and he was back where he started.

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Rose Horner had lived in Wyatt all of her 47 years. She'd been a waitress at Wy-Not Coffee for the majority of those, and she was, by her own proud admission, the town gossip. If it happened in Wyatt, or within 50 miles of the town center, Rose would have all the details. Today was no exception.
"I'll tell you, I saw him drive by around 7 o'clock this morning. He was driving a blue F-150 and wearing a gray sweatshirt. I know, because I was right over there by the window pouring coffee for Jake and I looked up and I saw him. Kirk Allen, home with his tail between his legs, alright."
The regulars-Jake Haskell, the town sheriff, Mike and Faye Collins, who came for the company, Abel Smith from the garage across the street, and Heather, Rose's daughter and fellow waitress, exchanged glances. The rumors of Kirk's return had been omnipresent in Wyatt for months, ever since the Grammy fiasco. But they had been just that- rumors.
Heather perked up, "Well, I intend to check that out for myself, Mama. And I'll be sure to let you all know what I find." No one doubted this, since Heather made it her business to check out every man in town.
Abel added his two cents after a lengthy glance at the traffic out on Main. "What about you, Jake? Didja see him? Didja hear anything about Kirk coming home?"
"No, I was too busy reading the paper. Besides, if Kirk is back, that's his business, not any of ours." Jake answered, always displaying a level-head.
The bell over the door chimed, signaling a customer. As was customary, everyone glanced up to determine if the conversation could continue or if it was best to quietly return to coffee and pie, holding their tongues.
Priscilla Bishop stood at the door and surveyed the crowd. "Who's business?" she asked, never one to miss a scoop.
"Oh, hey, Priscilla," Abel grinned, patting the table across from him, "have a seat."
Having been at the Wyatt Post for all of her adult life, Priscilla knew when she was being blown off, when she wasn't being told the whole story. She slid into the booth with Abel and saw everyone watching her. "Ok, what is it? What the hell are all these looks for? What are y'all not telling me?"
Rose paused just long enough to give the illusion that she was even considering not opening her mouth, then repeated, "I saw Kirk this morning. He's back."
Priscilla averted her eyes skyward in a silent prayer of thanks that she was already sitting down. Then with a deep breath that she hoped no one noticed, she replied, "Well, good for him. Nice that his grandmother left him that old place when she passed...nice that he has somewhere to go now that...now that..."
'Now that' what, she wasn't sure, but Abel wasted no time in filling in her blank. "Now that he's a washed up old has-been."
Faye, older and wiser than the lot of them, finally spoke up. "Hush now, Abel. Kirk went and made something of himself and now he's back. If you come from Wyatt, you can always come back, you'll always be family. Just let him alone."
Having taken Faye's words to heart, at least momentarily, the buzz died down. Priscilla had lost her appetite at the mention of Kirk's name, but she picked at it, lest it seem as though something were wrong.
"You alright, Cilla?" Abel asked. She noticed Heather, refilling coffee at the next table, lean over to be sure to overhear her response.
"Fine Abel, just fine. But I've got to hurry up here and get back to the office. There were a few layouts that I was finishing up on, I was just taking a little break..."
Abel nodded and waved as Priscilla laid a ten on the table and hurried out with a murmured good-bye. Her pointed stride took her back to the Post's office in half the usual time. She'd really meant to finish up those layouts, but instead she found herself jiggling the doorknob to be sure it was locked and fumbling through her purse for her car keys. Against her better judgement, she ended up on the road leading to the outer edges of Wyatt.

In case you had a burning desire to know these things about me...

There's one thing I have always noticed about myself and my writing habits. When I'm miserable, I write...a lot. When I'm happy, I sometimes end up with writer's block. I guess maybe I use writing the same way that I use reading, as an escape. I am currently not trying to escape from anything, so I find I don't have as much to say. I did find a story I started writing several years ago. I think I might start blogging that in parts and see how that goes. Maybe it will help me finish it.

Also, I have neurotic rituals. I really do. Like, for instance, if I get a glass of tap water, I have to rinse the glass out a certain number of times. There is a reason for this number, but I'm not going to get into my OCD lol.

One Tuesday night, my roomie and I went downtown and had an amazing night. We started the evening with take-out from Panera. So, every Tuesday night for about 2 years, I insisted we eat Panera before we went downtown. In my mind, if I deviated from the events of the first Tuesday, I would be screwing up the system.

When we used to go out, I would have to put my make-up on in a certain order.

For YEARS, I literally wore only 2 shades of nail polish. Bright pink in the spring and summer; red in the fall and winter. I am not kidding. I never deviated from this for that same 'screwing up the system' reason.

I never wanted anything to change, so I realize I was trying to control things that I could and keep them from changing.

And then, it occurred to me one day that all these things I was doing to try to keep things the way they were were stupid. Why? Because things the way they were pretty much sucked. So, last year for my birthday I got a manicure and I painted my nails purple. It sounds dumb, but that was a huge step for me. Look at me! I have purple nails in November and the sky is not falling! And so little by little, tiny thing by tiny thing, I began to let go of all the control. So what if I have a chip in my nail polish. So what if I eat pizza on Tuesday.

And you know what, I'm way happier. It's fall now, and my nails are orange. Bright, Halloween pumpkin orange. I love them.

Sometimes, all it takes is a small change or a little bit of letting go to make all the OUT of order in your life fall IN order.

Love this quote...

Stollen from my friend Evans via his facebook:

"We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them." -John Waters


Well said, John Waters, well said.

Wednesday...hitting some emotional humps...

I'm tired.

Really...I woke up this morning physically and emotionally tired. I've said it before, I'll probably say it again: this has been a hell of a year. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel bad, sometimes it all just hits me and I think, 'What the hell was that all about?'.

That's kind of where I am today...whoa, did I make it through all that? Is this smiling idiot in the mirror every morning really me? Have I been giving myself permission to get just a little more ahead of myself than I usually do?

Yes.

It's kind of overwhelming me right now.

I feel like I need to take a moment to just breath, to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. I felt every high and low of the shit, I definitely don't want to miss a minute of the best.

Dancing With the Stars?

So, I don't generally watch this, because I just don't care...but I feel compelled to comment.

Doesn't the title of the show "Dancing With the STARS" sort of imply that there are actual stars on it?

Who the hell is Elisabetta Canalis? Hope Solo? Ron Artest?

Chaz Bono has a STAR for a mother...which doesn't necessarily make him one.

Rob Kardashian and Kristin Cavalleri don't count to me either, because they are famous for doing nothing.

Let's just call a spade a spade and rename the show "Dancing With the Has-Been's and Never Were's"

Mostly being an adult sucks...but sometimes...

So yeah, being an adult sucks most of the time. Bills, and jobs, and grown up problems are all things we don't think about dealing with when we are in such a hurry to grow up.

But occasionally, some little thing happens that makes you think, yep, being a grown up is awesome.

One of those little things just happened.

I have no food in my house, at all. I mean, really, nothing. (Don't panic, Mom...I am going to go buy some groceries as soon as I get out of my pj's, which I am still wearing at 2:30 in the afternoon). And, I'm hungry.

I found a box of red velvet cake in the back of the bare cupboard and it had 'LUNCH' written all over it. So, I poured half the mix into a bowl, mixed it up, and ate it. Just like that, raw, in the bowl.

Was it delicious?

Yes.

Am I going to end up with a stomach ache in 20 minutes?

Of course I am.

If I was 10, I wouldn't have been able to eat cake batter for lunch. So haha little kids. You might not have any problems bigger than 3x4=...but I bet my lunch was better than your lunch,

I just saw Contagion...

So...Contagion.

I'm gonna be honest...it was a little bit boring. I mean, there was no crazy A-HA moment. Well, maybe boring isn't exactly the right word. Maybe realistic is better. As is, when I was watching that movie, I thought to myself, "Holy shit. I think this could actually happen."

One person gets sick and it becomes a virus that is going to be contracted by 1 in 12 people in the entire world.

And really, think about how easy that would be, in a really, really scary way.

Let's say an airport.

You don't have any luggage to check, so you go to one of those automated check in computers and start pushing buttons. Well, what if the person pushing the buttons before you had some mad virus? Now you have it. And then you go in the Hudson News store and flip through 3 magazine before deciding on one and pick up a bag of Combo's before deciding you'd rather have pretzels and now you've spread it to whomever picks up the 2 magazines and the Combo's you discarded. And so on and so forth.

We'd all be, for lack of a better word, fucked.

So I walked out of the theater partially wishing I'd gone to see Straw Dogs and partially thinking about all the tiny bottles of hand sanitizer that my mom sends me that are floating around my house. I thought I'd start being more careful about germs...just in case.

I came home and petted the dogs, and pulled the Edy's ice cream out of the freezer and started to scoop some into a bowl...when OOPS...I dropped some ice cream on the counter. I picked it up-with my fingers-before it melted, and popped it into my mouth. OOPS again, I didn't wash my hands when I got home. If there's an outbreak, I'm fucked already.

Sci-Fi at Disney Hollywood Studios SUCKS

Let's be frank: I love Disney. I love the movies...the characters...the collectibles...the souvenirs...the hotels...the parks. If it's Disney, I most likely love it...and perhaps there is nothing I love more about Disney than eating at one of the ridiculously awesome restaurants the parks and hotels have to offer.

Liberty Tree Tavern...ridiculous.

Boma at Animal Kingdom Lodge...ridiculous.

Cape May Cafe...ridiculous.

Tusker House...ridiculous.

Chefs de France...Biergarten...Via Di Napoli...The Brown Derby...there are no words for how good these places are.

As a matter of fact, there are very few fails as far as restaurants go at Disney, at least in my opinion. Even the mediocre meals are spectacular at being mediocre.

This being said, there is NOTHING worse to me than having a bad meal at Disney, because I don't expect it. We literally almost NEVER eat at the Sci-Fi Dine in Theater at Hollywood Studios. The atmosphere of the place is super fun, so I never can figure out why it's always at the bottom of our place to eat list when we are deciding on dinner at Disney.

And each of the very few and far between times I have eaten there, I walk out remembering why I DON'T. Because it sucks.

First of all, the menu is limited. There were like 5 sandwiches, a pasta, and a steak. Big fat deal. And since I am a decidedly picky eater, this didn't sit well with me, especially when I was going to be paying $25 for a plate of pasta. We decided to share spinach dip and a side salad and each ordered a bowl of BLT soup.

Now, I know it's supposed to be like a drive-in at night, but damn, it's dark in there, and I am too picky to enjoy my food without being able to see what I was eating. I'm holding my cell phone over the food, trying to shine the light on it so I could try to make sure I wasn't accidentally eating an artichoke in the spinach dip. Other than that, the dip was alright.

The salad, for $7, was ordered with the dressing on the side, but came drenched in ranch, with a scant few onions and a pile of finely diced tomatoes on top. Nothing special. At all.

The soup was alright...basically tomato soup with a pile of shredded lettuce and bacon bits on top. I ordered mine sans lettuce, because, well...lettuce on top of soup is gross.

I wasn't giving up hope yet though, because there was lava cake for dessert...and not just any lava cake, but chocolate cake with peanut butter lava. Have you ever heard of anything that sounded better than that? OMG.

EPIC FAIL.

The cake was hard and dry...and the peanut butter lava center? There was NO peanut butter lava center. There MIGHT have been a melted Reese's Pieces in the middle, or at least some peanut butter in an amount the approximate size of a Reese's Pieces. It was the world's biggest disappointment.

And this sucky dinner set us back $51.47. I'm not kidding. For 2 bowls of soup, a side salad, an app and a dessert.

I spent the whole walk to the car relating what we COULD have eaten for the same amout of money. I could rattle that list off to you, too, but you get the picture.

If you want to experience the atmosphere...walk in...and then walk right back out and around the corner to Mama Melrose's...the Brown Derby...50's Prime Time...anywhere but there.

Busy Busy Busy

If I can just make it a *few* more boring weeks...

September 30th Kat and I are going to Mickey's Not So Scary, which we are planning to follow up with a weekend at the beach.

October 13th I'll be back to El Paso to spend a long weekend with Stewart...and some girl talk with Yvonne and Mackenzie!

October 28th I'll be on my way to San Diego for a week with my wonderful family and some fun with Alix and Cade, including Halloween and Disneyland.

November 4th, I'll head back to Orlando where I will meet Heather at the airport for weekend of shenanigans that only the two of us could get into...Epcot Food & Wine, watch out. Saturday night, we'll have a joint bday party at some seriously delicious Disney restaurant...and the only thing standing in the way of making the weekend absolutely perfect will be the absence of Stewart and James.

November 13th- Harry Potter Weekend at Universal. Ron Weasley...I am coming for my picture.

Then it'll be Thanksgiving and Stewart will be in Orlando to visit...and then a few short weeks later we will be together and with our families for Christmas and New Years. I cannot wait.

For any of this.

Wow, what a difference a year makes. I was rock bottom last fall. I feel like I'm close to on top of the world right now.

The craziest thing you've ever done...

Last night, Stewart and I were talking and I asked him what the craziest thing he'd ever done was. He said there were too many to pinpoint just one, lol. And this got me thinking...what was the craziest thing I had ever done? Good Lord, it was hard for me to pinpoint just one too...or at least to admit to it.

-There was that time Shauna and I stayed in a hotel in New York City- the Rhiga Royale-and the room, for one night, was $767. Yes, you read that correctly. That was more than the cost of a cruise to Cozumel for TWO PEOPLE that I went on about 10 years later. Had that been my money paying for it, I'd likely have dropped dead.

-There was the time my friends and I ended up partying with one of the Princes of Saudi Arabia...culminating in thousands of dollars worth of drinks and food from room service while we after-partied in his suite at the Ritz. I was terrified I was going to be drugged, dressed in a Princess Jasmine costume, and wake up as part of harem on a boat in the middle of the sea somewhere. I'm serious.

-There was the time Natazha and I decided we had to celebrate Thanksgiving in Vegas AND go to the Billboard Awards the following weekend. So, we flew to Vegas, stayed Wednesday through Monday morning for the holiday...flew home for 4 days...and then flew right back the following Thursday. I was SO jet lagged and SO sick that I spent the first hour in a bathroom in the hotel lobby vomiting. Then, I doped myself up and proceeded to have an awesome time, which included rubbing LL Cool J's chest during a blessed photo op lol.

-There was the time we went to Sisqo's party at the Venetian after one of these awards shows...he had a life-sized dragon ice sculpture (you know, he was all 'Unleash the Dragon') and an ice boat FILLED with shrimp and crab legs and oysters. I was maybe, possibly, probably, definitely a little tipsy...and when he walked past me I said loudly enough for him to hear, "OMG, he's shorter than I am!" And he was. And I was wearing red pleather pants...which is probably the best part of this whole story.

-There was the time Natazha and I hung out on Busta Rhyme's tour bus because Spliff thought I looked like Michelle Phieffer in Dangerous Minds. I'm pretty sure Spliff was NOT wearing his glasses that day.

-There was the time Natazha and I drove straight to New Orleans ( I think it was a 10 or 12 hour drive), partied for 20 hours, and drove straight home...without sleeping. And for the record, Bourbon Street smells like one huge, dirty, bathroom.

-There was the time I thought it was a good idea to go out without someone I had a crush on when I was 15...even though I was 34. It was NOT a good idea. That's right up there with crazy...in more ways than one, lol.

This is a partial list...when it's not 8am and I am thinking more clearly...or perhaps when I have had a few drinks and I am thinking LESS clearly and am therefore less inhibited, I will continue with the crazy stories... ;)

Farewell All My Children and One Life to Live...

So, after 40 some odd years, my soap operas are being yanked from the air.

Boo hoo...sort of.

Let's begin by saying I have been a lifelong soap opera fan. From the time I was little, and I mean pretty little (was that even appropriate, Mom?!) I watched Ryan's Hope, Loving, The City, Port Charles, All My Children, One Life to Live, General Hospital, and Santa Barbara. I've watched 5 of the 8 of those get cancelled.

I remember going to Eastland as a little girl and meeting Alan Quartermaine and Karen Wolleck. Yes, those are their character names because I don't know their real names and don't care enough to look them up, lol. I went to Sears at Universal Mall to meet Kelly Ripa (the teeny tiny skinniest woman I have EVER seen in my life) and Steve Burton (I was wearing a Cross Colors jacket...embarrassing).

I owe my very first trip to Los Angeles to Cord from One Life to Live. Ryan, Michelle, and I went to Mackinac to a soap opera festival and he drew our raffle ticket to win the grand prize...the choice of a trip to New York or LA. I remember giving him a huge hug and telling him I had never been on a plane before.

I have wonderful memories of Soap Opera Weekends at Disney:

Bobby from All My Children stopped his autograph line and made the ENTIRE crowd sing 'Happy Birthday' to Natazha.

Tad from All My Children got on the phone with my mom and talked to her while she was at Molly's wedding shower.

Zack from All My Children talked Wayne State with me (he's went there too!).

Bob the Bachelor (who, ok, isn't really a Soap Star at all, but was there because he was married to one) talked Detroit with me (he's from there).

Oh, and the best one...one year we randomly ran into one of the guys from Rascal Flatts and got our picture with him!

But as for the ACTUAL shows...well...WTF guys?

While I always watched them when I had time, there were VERY FEW times I watched obsessively (these times include when Eden and Cruz's baby Audriana was kidnapped...only because my Barbie and Ken, aptly renamed Eden and Cruz, were playing along and the whole Hayley/Brian love story on AMC...because I wanted to be Hayley and have a love story with Brian lol). That was what I kind of loved about them. If I missed a few days, it wasn't too hard to jump back in and figure it out.

The last few years though, they've gotten steadily more ridiculous. While they were NEVER truly believable, they have gotten downright insane. I get the whole 'back from the dead' storyline, but for God's sake, how many times can the SAME person die and come back from the dead? Hello, Dixie from All My Children...I am convinced she has a vacation home in Heaven, as she has come and gone from there about 4 times. I'm not even exaggerating. Gay/Lesbian storylines are NOT that big of a deal anymore...but the dumbass music and lame camera angles utilized during those love scenes are pretty amusing. If you have a baby on a soap opera, I guarantee at least 2 out of the next three things:
1) Your baby is getting kidnapped by your husband or boyfriend's deranged ex...and I don't mean recent ex...I mean someone he dated 26 years ago that has been obsessed with him all that time.
2) Your baby was switched at the hospital and when it comes down with a made-up disease, it will be discovered that-GASP-junior is NOT REALLY your baby!
3)On Monday you will have a 2 year old, but by Friday he or she will be 16...because there aren't too many exciting story lines involving 2 year olds.

Soaps have lost the daily escape from reality feeling they used to have and turned into something that makes me just shake my head from the stupidity and absurdity of it all. Or maybe I've just gotten too old to buy into it. After all, I have a button still in the drawer at my parent's that says "Luke Laura Together Now"...and Luke and Laura, a rapist and his victim, were the biggest love story ever on General Hospital. How did anyone ever think that was ok? If you put that on ANY other tv show, people would go nuts.

Eh, so anyways soaps, thanks for the memories. You were great while you lasted, and sometimes I'll probably miss you.

Unless this whole shift to the internet happens, and you are, like so many of your characters before you, brought back from the dead ;)

LOVE this song... Simple Plan is awesome!

My new favorite song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntSBKPkk4m4&ob=av2e

29 days and I'll be in El Paso...that's making me happier than anything right now :)

New season, new beginnings...

I woke up this morning and felt fall in the air. It was the first time in months I've gone outside and it hasn't been already immediately super hot.

Not that I mind when it's hot...that's why I live here, lol...but when it cools down just a little bit and I know that all my favorite times of the year are coming up, well, it's exciting. Especially because last year was basically a big, fat ruin from start to finish.

Last fall started out shitty and got progressively worse...culminating in the purchase of an impromptu flight to Dallas on Halloween weekend, and me sobbing so hard in the airport I couldn't even get on the plane. The proverbial bottom had dropped out...and really, there was nowhere to go but up. It's been a roller coaster of a year, to say the least, but it's the start of a new season, and maybe the best one yet.

I reconnected with Kat that Halloween weekend, and our friendship has grown progressively closer over the last year. I met Jamie and I know she will be a lifelong friend. I've gotten to see Heather three times in the last year, and that's a recent record.

Ryan, Heather, and I are all in relationships that seem healthy and happy...a slow going road for all three of us.

I am making as many positive life changes as I can and finally trying to concentrate on my own happiness and well-being ahead of everyone else's...and not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way. In a way that makes me a better person, friend, sister, daughter, lover, employee. It only took me 34 years to realize that if I was spending all my time and energy trying to make everyone else happy, I was not only going to fail at that, but I was going to lose my sense of self as well.

This fall is starting out a very positive note. I am going back to El Paso in a month to spend another great weekend with Stewart. I am going to San Diego to spend time with my entire family...mom, dad, Rick, Molly, Alix & Cade...and not only that, but I will get to spend Halloween with them, my most favorite holiday. I will turn 23 again...and will celebrate my birthday doing whatever I want with whomever (except, unfortunately Stewart...who will be working) I want and I'll eat french fries and cake and Benihana and I won't apologize for any of it. I will spend Thanksgiving with Stewart and my friends and maybe I can even talk my parents into making it down...and I feel like I will have more to give thanks for this year than ever before.

I hope that the momentum continues and that we all remain happy and healthy as we finish out 2011 :)

9/11 Never forgotten...

On September 8, 2001...my roommate and I were in New York City. We were staying at the Millenium Broadway, in town for the MTV Video Music Awards. We'd hit the awards shows, we'd shopped, we did some touristy things, we sat up in bed that evening, the night before our plane was scheduled to leave, and I said something that to this day haunts me:

"We should stay a few more days...I have never been to the top of the World Trade Center. We could go."

"Yeah, we should..." she'd replied.

And as impulsive as we both always were at that time of our lives, for some uncharacteristically responsible reason, we decided that we ought to head home on our flight the next day. The WTC would be there the next time we went to New York.

On September 9th, we flew home from New York City and by the 11th, were back to work. I was working as a nanny and had Caroline, who was just shy of a year old, sitting with me while we watched tv. The first plane had hit by the time I tuned in. I wasn't even sure what was going on at the beginning...if it were just a freak accident or something more sinister. I called Ryan...he and I have an ongoing 'scoop' war, where we each try to 'scoop' the other with breaking news and information. I called my roommate. I called both of my parents. I called my Grandma, and I was on the phone with her watching as the second plane approached. I remember a VERY CLEAR sense of relief. You know when there's a wildfire and they send in those planes to dump water on the fire from the air? That's what I thought that plane was. I though, "Oh, Thank God, they are trying to put this out." And then as I talked to my Grandma, that plane hit the second tower. I remember feeling as though I'd had the wind knocked out of me. "Oh my God, " my Grandma said, and I did too, and I think we both just repeated that several times. Neither of us knew what to say. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, except to say that we loved each other...which I know I said to everyone I talked to that day.

Like most of the rest of America, I sat literally glued to the television for the rest of the day. I watched the towers, burn, people falling like raindrops from hundreds of feet in the air because that seemed like a better option, and finally the towers fall. I remember the sick sympathetic fear I felt for those people, the ones that were trapped, the ones that jumped...to be forced to come to a decision such as that, I can't even fathom what they must have been feeling. I remember the heartbreak I felt for the people who had loved ones in those buildings...how terrifying it must have been to have not known if you husband or wife, parent or child, or friend was safe or hurt or even alive.

It was the first event and I hope last that I ever experience, where the whole world, at least MY whole little world, stopped. We all got out of work early. No one knew what to do. Ryan and I went to Bahama Breeze for dinner, and we pushed food around the plate and felt guilty...because we felt like we were taking some kind of advantage of the day off, and it wasn't a day off to be celebrated and enjoyed.

America was supposed to be safe...we were in some kind of bubble where it seemed as though something of this magnitude should not have happened here, should not have been able to have happened here. But it had, and now that false sense of security was shattered. And thousands of innocent people that said goodbye to their loved ones like they did everyday and went off to work like they did everyday and sat wondering what was for dinner like they did everyday, never made it past 10:30am on that fateful day.

It has been 10 years. Nothing makes the clarity I have of that day disappear. My roommate and I were a "Yes, let's stay" away from being on the observation deck of that building. The lives that were lost, the bravery shown, the way that it changed America...these will forever be a part of my life.

It is more poignant to me this year than ever before...so my heart and thoughts go out to those who lost their lives that day, and to those who lost loved ones that day...and sincerest wish is that a no one ever have to face a catastrophic terror event such as this one was ever again.

Is there something wrong with me?

So, you get sick and you have your choice of medications...daytime formula and nighttime formula. Obviously, the daytime formula is non-drowsy, so you are supposedly able to drive, function at work, and be as alert as you would be had you not taken it. Conversely, the night meds are supposed to put you into a nice, deep, peaceful sleep.

What is wrong with my body chemistry that regardless of which I take, day or night...they both knock me out, stat.

I took a non-drowsy Mucinex the other day to fight off the sinus infection that Texas left me with as a parting gift...and 20 minutes later I was like a walking zombie. Dayquil is the same way. Able to operate heavy machinery my ass...I am out.

What I am getting at here, is, well, I just took a nice daytime Mucinex...it's only 20 after 10 on a Friday night and I had no intention of going to sleep yet...but apparently the medicine has other ideas.

Good night...I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend :)

Love my adorable nephew...

My nephew Cade started preschool this year. He turned 2 at the end of June, so he's still just a little guy...but apparently he is loving school. He goes 2 days a week, and his teacher sends out a recap email after each class, complete with what they did and accompanying pictures.

I love reading these recaps...and he is ALWAYS smiling and laughing in the pictures. I might be biased, but omg, is he adorable or what?

Oh. My. God.

So, I started to write my blog about Texas the other day...and I'll finish it, eventually. But I'm going to write this first.

Oh my God, I have been a cranky ass bitch since I got home. I know I have. And do you want to know why? Because I had such an amazingly good time and now I'm back and fucking stuck here.

Although I don't technically live alone, I am alone here 99% of the time. And you know what that means? 99% of the time I am responsible for everything here...including the dogs. I'm annoyed by it. I'm tired of it. If I WANTED to live alone, I would have gotten an apartment by myself. If that were the case, I wouldn't mind all the responsibility. However, since it isn't, and things should be 50/50 here, I can't help but be aggravated.

While I was in Dallas, Heather, James, and I went to the Waffle House. Heather and I were sitting across from each other, and about 4 different times, all we had to do was make eye contact to know what the other was thinking and burst into laughter. I have known her about 25 years. And I miss her. Hanging out made it that much harder to come back here.

Oh yeah, and then there's Stewart. I could tell you 3086 of his wonderful qualities...but I won't. I'll simply say that he has AT LEAST 3086 wonderful qualities...and every last one of them is in El Paso, TX right now, while I am sitting in my room in Orlando, FL. Unfair. Annoying. Ugh. Basically, if you live within the same state as your significant other, I am jealous as shit of you.

So, yes, I have been in a bitchy mood. But not because I'm unhappy. Because I'd he HAPPIER if I were somewhere else.

Yeehaw.

All the things I never knew I always wanted...

Well, where do I begin? I'm back from my whirlwind Texas safari. This was the 3rd time I've vacationed in Texas. The last 2 times I stayed at the Four Seasons, where the waitstaff made sure our napkins matched our outfits, and the Westin, which was attached to a mall. That's pretty much my speed.



My speed shifted this weekend...and you know what? It was awesome.


First of all, I had a wonderful first night in Dallas catching up with Heather. We stayed up half the night talking, laughing, and possibly dealing with my raging case of PMS.


Early the next morning, it was off to El Paso...on a mercifully empty flight where I had half the plane to myself. I was nervous...excited...and tired, lol. I slept for awhile, and then watched the landscape below me go from lush and green to dry desert brown.



Stewart's friend Yvonne picked me up from the airport since he had a few hours left at work. She was awesome and welcoming. And then it was off to the hotel (which ended up being so close to the airport I could have walked to it, lol) to wait.


And here's everything I did this weekend:

-Went to my first Army Ball.

-Drove up into the mountains.

-Ate at the Golden Corral (it wasn't bad, I'm not gonna lie, lol)

-Drove around with the windows open and let the wind blow my hair all over the place and didn't even worry about what it looked like.

-Saw the Mexican border.

-Had a BBQ where I ate a bbq-ed bologna sandwich with REAL (not fat free) cheese and REAL (not baked) Doritos...and OMG was it ever good.

-Saw the Military Hospital where my dad was stationed.

-Saw Stewart's barracks and base.

-Learned to do a 2-step and some other country line dance.

-Went on a mechanical bull.

-Ate at a Waffle House.

-Danced under a disco saddle.

-Wore a cowboy hat.

-Drove in a monster truck.

-Met James.

-Made a bunch of new friends.

-And I just might have fallen in love.


I can't believe how fast it all flew by. I guess in a way that's good though, because it means that the next time I see him will be here before I know it.

You know what's the funniest thing...until the last year, I spent a long time hanging out with a certain group of people, doing the same certain, stupid things over and over again. And I thought I was happy. And I thought I was having a really good time. And the further away from those people I get, the more I realize that I wasn't. It was fine for what it was worth at the time, but I'll tell you what, I had more fun curled up with Stewart on a chair built for one person, watching a movie with Mackenzie and Luke, full from a bologna sandwich and ice cream, than I EVER did going to MTV Awards shows or red carpet parties in Vegas. And THAT feels amazing.

Lying

Lies.

We've all told them at one point or another, right?
"I won't be in to work today, I'm sick..."
"I can't help you because..."
"The dog ate my homework."

In a perfect world, the lies we inevitably tell would be for self-preservation. I am already stretched too thin to help you, but I don't want to look like a bitch or make you mad at me, so I am telling you I have a prior commitment. Either that, or they would be to save someone's feelings. There is no way in hell I would EVER go out with you, so I'm going to tell you I already have a boyfriend so I don't have to tell you the painful truth.

In a perfect world, no one would ever even know you lied...and certainly your lies would not hurt anyone.

Unfortunately, we all know that we don't live in a perfect world. We tell lies and sometimes those lies end up hurting people. What I can't figure out is people that lie for the sake of it.

Why would you say you are having tacos for dinner if you are having pizza? Does it matter? Is it a big deal?

The thing is, the world gets smaller and smaller, and so does your privacy. I can SAY I'm not going out tonight, but there's a good chance that one of my friends will tag me on facebook as checked in here or there. I can say I am single, but my facebook clearly says I am in a relationship. So many of my friends are connected in some way to my other friends that word travels...and I know that this isn't a problem unique to me.

I guess what I am trying to say is...be careful what you say and who you say it to. Or better still...STOP TELLING POINTLESS LIES.

Here's something weird about me: I enjoy cutting the lawn.

I live in an apartment right now, so I don't have a lawn...but BGF does, so every now and then I go over to his house and cut his rather significant lawn. It makes me laugh, because there are 3 men that live there and they have a girl come cut their grass. Really though, it's because I want to.

I don't know what it is. I think that sometimes so many things in my life seem out of control and so many problems are not a quick fix that I love the cathartic chore of seeing a problem and knowing that I can not only fix it...but I can watch the tangible results of my work in progress immediately.

So, I spent the afternoon yesterday cutting the lawn and felt pretty good (although pretty hot lol) when I was finished.

A public service announcement...

So, I'm trying to figure something out, and I just can't. It dawned on me today watching someone I know deal with a shitty relationship...and made me think of several other people I know that are in somewhat of the same situation...and in turn that made me think of things I've gone through, and damn it, I'm confounded.

When you are in a relationship, it's supposed to be easy. I don't mean easy like you don't have to work at it or put any effort into it, because of course that isn't true. By easy I mean it's not supposed to be the biggest source of misery in your life. It's not supposed to make you cry more than you laugh. It's supposed to be positive and healthy. So for God's sake, when it isn't, why do we as women try so fucking hard to hold onto it?

We make excuses. We make deals with ourselves, with God or whoever our higher power may be. We make promises to our friends that see we are in toxic situations and try to rescue us...promises we very likely have little to no intention of keeping. We look at ourselves and wonder what is wrong. If only I was thinner/prettier/richer/smarter/taller/shorter/had bigger boobs/a bigger ass. We try to change ourselves in order to be more of what we think someone wants.

Here's the thing though...if you aren't good enough the way you are...then newsflash: YOU ARE IN THE WRONG FUCKING RELATIONSHIP. The right guy (or girl I guess, it goes both ways) is going to love you for all your faults. And you will feel comfortable with him...telling him anything...being yourself. You don't keep him on a pedestal because he's human and has as many stupid quirks as you do. You don't put yourself out repeatedly if he isn't reciprocating. You don't owe him any more than he owes you- which is love, respect, and honesty.

You stop selling yourself short because you feel so lucky that someone is paying you any attention...even if it isn't positive attention.

Am I all preachy now because I think Stewart is awesome and it's all easy for me to say now? No. I'm all preachy because I am sick and tired of watching the girls I care about being treated badly when they are moving heaven and earth to make these men happy and these relationships work. We all deserve better.

Alix's Family...

My 4 year old niece is in pre-school 3 days a week, and apparently one day last week her teacher pulled my sister-in-law aside with a story.

Alix's assignment was to draw a picture of her family...and she drew 3 people, which she told the teacher were her, her brother, and her mom. The teacher became confused because she thought she recalled that Alix did indeed have a dad that lived at home. She thought maybe she'd been mistaken so she checked on her file, and sure enough, Alix DOES have a dad at home. All the more confused, the teacher questioned Alix again, "Alix, don't you have a daddy that lives at home?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Alright, alright, fine. I do have a daddy. But he's never home."

It's sad that my brother's job as a coach requires him to be away from the kids so often...but also funny that in response, Alix has excommunicated him from family drawings. That kid definitely has a Court sense of humor.

Reflecting...

13 years ago today, everything in my life changed.

What I thought, how I felt, the path my life was on...in one afternoon that I can STILL recall every detail of, a big, wonderful, crazy, amazing, mess was set in motion.

13 years later, here's what I can look back and say:

It has brought me laughter and tears.
It has brought me inexplicable joy and utter heartbreak.
It has brought me the best of friends and the worst of enemies.
It afforded me opportunities that I never imagined I would ever have the chance to be a part of.
It made me feel like I wasn't that little fat girl anymore...it made me feel beautiful.

Did it turn out the way I expected? Of course not.
Would I change a minute of it? Not on your life.

So much has changed since then...I have and you have...but you are still in my life and I imagine you always will be.

Thanks for the memories...and whatever insanity will inevitably be to come.

And I'll take things that could potentially be awkward for $200, Alex...

This one is for you, Brain...

So, BGF has a girlfriend...yippeee! He's happy, he's smiling, he's excited, he could (finally) be thinking long term...he has also yet to tell her about what I once called his "only baggage"- me.

Not me exactly, because not only has he introduced us (me being his "oldest and dearest friend" or something along those lines), but we hung out at Jamie's birthday party, and now we are even- gasp- facebook friends.

Being that I am a girl...here's the thing...we've known each other since we were 16. We've been best friends for almost 20 years. Oh, and during the first part of that 20 years, we were dating and engaged. But that was a LONG time ago. And now we just like to hang out and make fun of each other, although some of us are better at it than others (I win that one, Tom Collins). But, we hang out alot, and we talk alot. Seriously the only person I talk to more than I talk to him is my mom. As a girl, I think he needs to tell his new gf this information. Because if he doesn't, it's like an awkward secret.

I KNOW it's only because his last gf hated (ok, ok, I hear you saying she didn't hate) me that he is afraid to tell her. I get it. But already I can see that this girl is way different than the last one. I am afraid that the longer he waits, the more of an issue it will become when he tells her...and the last thing I want is for it to be an issue...because he and his happiness are very important to me. Also because I like to nap on his couch and eat Brandon's bbq.

So, BGF...tell her like it's the non-issue that it is...and if you do, I promise not to introduce her to Jordan Knight, haha ;)

GTL? Who cares!

Bare with me, I'm about to prove a point...

Every night I set my alarm for some weird time...like 6:23. I pick this time because 6:20 seems too early to wake up and 6:30 is too late. Does this make sense? Not really, but it doesn't matter anyways, because I usually wake up before it even goes off.

I lay in bed and Memphis licks my face, stretches out on her back, and I rub her tummy for a few minutes while Austin becomes coherent and then wants in on the action.

I pick up my cell, check my emails, check facebook, sometimes twitter, put the phone down and then get on the computer and check all the same things again as if they might have changed in the last 3 minutes. I waste time that I shouldn't playing bejeweled or slots on facebook, will myself to stop, decide if I need to take a shower before work or if it can wait the 2 hours until I drop the kids off and come back home.

I go into the kitchen and open the first of many Diet Cokes of the day...maybe I'll eat a yogurt or some cereal or pick at something...maybe not.

I get dressed, I take the dogs out, I get in the car and talk to my mom the entire drive to work, while swearing at no less than 3 shitty drivers on my way.

Are you bored yet? Do you care? Do any of the inane details of my everyday life matter to you?

So here's my ranting point of the day:

There are several people on my facebook that update their statuses 36 times a day with this kind of stuff.

"I'm at the gym"

"Gym time- doin' abs"

"I'm drinking my breakfast shake"

"Got the kids off to school"

Now don't get me wrong...every now and then, fine...but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Look, if you post that you are at the gym every morning, by the 386th time I KNOW you are at the gym. So do 386 other people. You don't have to tell us every single day because we KNOW.

If you tell me and your other 386 fb friends that you drink a breakfast shake every morning, you don't have to keep repeating it 3 months later...WE GET IT.

Now, clearly I ought to have better things to do myself than rant about this, but OMG, while I was at the gym this morning drinking my breakfast shake after I dropped the kids off at school, it annoyed the shit out of me. ;)

If you have something interesting, funny, worthwhile, sad, whatever that you want to post, cool...but for God's sake, stop posting the pointless minutia of your days. Nobody cares.

Testing...testing...1...2...3

It's one of those things. Like the day you decided you are on a diet, you wake up and find a tray of chocolate chip cookies on your counter. You don't know where it came from. You don't even care. You just know that no cookie ever looked as good, and you can't think of any moment in your life when you wanted ANYTHING more than you want one of those cookies. And then, you are forced to decide. Do you really want that cookie? Do you want to blow that diet before you even got it off the ground? Is that one stupid cookie worth it?

Here I am, in the middle of one of those tests. I am staring down at an orange blinking Skype notification as I type this. It's the FIFTH (yes, 5th) such notification I've received since 11:30 last night. Ex-FWB is back in full force.

In the cookie analogy I mentioned how good the cookie looked and how you wanted that cookie more than anything. So let me be clear before I continue...he does NOT look as good as that cookie, and I do NOT want him more than anything. I've had him before. I'd rather have a cookie. That being said, I am a people pleaser. While I am NOT finding it impossible to not sleep wtih him or mess around with him in any way, I AM finding it impossible not to talk to him. And not because I necessarily want to, but because I feel compelled to. He's talking to me...it would be rude if I didn't respond, right? He was a part, and a big part, of my life for coming up on 13 years now. Some people's marriages don't last that long, lol. And that being said, there have been times...many times...in the past that I've thought I was done with him only to be sucked back in.

How can I help but find it ironic that it is when I am in the beginning of a potentially amazing new relationship that he decides how much he misses me? It's a test. It has to be. He has been the benchmark that I have measured every single man against for the past 13 years. And I could be with him right now if I wanted to.

So...what's it going to be?

I could go take a shower and drive 3 minutes and be in his bed...and I'd spend the morning having sex that was adequate at best, watching the Flintstone's and if I was lucky, washing it all down with a frosty glass of Kool-Aid. (No, I'm not kidding. I'm dead serious down to the Kool-Aid)

OR

I can make myself some bacon and eggs and eat it while thumbing through all the Thanksgiving cookbooks I've pulled from my collection in anticipation of Stewart coming down for the holiday. I can wait for him to wake up and text me good morning and make me smile because maybe for the first time, I'm the first thing someone thought about in the morning. I can think about how he told me he was going to rent some Harry Potter movies when I'm there next week because he's "gotta keep his girl happy". I can wait for Jamie to message me that she's heard from her potential new Prince Charming....but I digress ;)

It's both amazing and amusing to me how God throws these life curveballs at you. This time though, I'm pretty sure this is one test I am going to pass. The Skype notification is STILL blinking. I think I'm going to leave it that way...

Seriously, I've immediately changed my mind LOL

So, Google is the best and worst thing ever. You can seriously Google ANYTHING and get some sort of information. And I'm kind of nervous about this Army Ball, so I've been Googling. I changed my mind, I DO NOT want to go. I'm scared.

First, I'm pretty sure my dress is perfectly appropriate and gorgeous, at least I hope it is. Because I keep reading about how it can't be too revealing or too low cut, because that reflects on your date and will likely make both of you a subject of gossip. I have three divisions of clothing in my closet: sweats, jeans, hoochie mama club clothes. Does any of that sound appropriate? Not so much...and so that means my point of reference on what is 'conservative' to me may not acutally be conservative at all. Let's not even get started on shoes, because that's a whole situation right there.

Second, I guess there's a receiving line where you meet all these military head honchos. I don't like shit like that- AT ALL. I'm shy bordering on sort of anti-social if I don't know anyone, and I'm not going to know anyone but Stewart. And there is a bunch of etiquette and protocol involved that I know nothing about. One blog I read said if I'm unsure about what fork to use or which glass to toast with or whatever, to look to the wife of the senior most officer at our table, and do what she does. Where the hell is Barney from Pretty Woman when I need him?

So, yeah...suffice it to say, I'm mildly flipping out. I can't even drink, because I'll be tipsy 1/2 a margarita in, and while that may help loads with my nerves, it certainly isn't going to lend anything to the etiquette situation.

Anyone wanna talk me down?

Message to Myself

Dear Me,

Please remember what I am about to tell you...and LISTEN TO ME:

Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.

You have been down this road...many times. You are on a different, better road now. You KNOW this. REMEMBER THIS.

That is all.

Love,
Me

3 important Wednesday tidbits (even though it's Thursday now)

First of all, I want to wish Jamie an amazingly happy birthday. I hope that this year brings excitement, joy, and love...only great things. You deserve it!

Second of all, I am glad Kat is going to bed feeling a little better than she was earlier...and my sincere wish is that the rest of your life ends up like the first two weeks of things were...and she knows what I mean ;)

Third of all...I am being uncharacteristically quiet about Stewart. It's funny, because I was talking to my friend Tami once and she said when she realized her husband Gary was 'the one', she didn't want to tell anyone. We were discussing one of my ex's at the time, who at that point wasn't an ex yet, lol...and I thought, well damn, he's so awesome I want to tell everyone. He's hot, and 25, and smart, and we lay around for hours talking about books and movies, and playing Black Ops, haha. I couldn't understand why you wouldn't want to tell everyone...but guess what, homeslices...I don't want to tell anyone this time. I mean, yes, I've admitted we're dating. I guess I've admitted to the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing to most of my friends...but I haven't elaborated too much. Maybe I'm afraid to. Maybe I'm just so excited that I don't even feel like sharing any of it. Maybe I'm kind of enjoying the (for once) quiet, natural progression of things. Maybe I feel like the smile on my face says enough and I don't even need to say anything. I'm not looking for signs or bullshit or anything...I'm just here and he's just here, and I'm going to be such a girl now and quote my favorite movie, Untamed Heart...."He doesn't make sense. I don't make sense. Together, we make sense." He said something along those lines the 3rd night we went out, and I fed him that line...and he liked it. So look, I'm not going to sit here and tell you how sweet he is, or how well he's treating me, or how we've spent hours every day since we left MI going back and forth about how much neither of us can wait for the 1st. I'm just going to say I'm excited, and I'm happy, and I can't believe I might be falling for that kid that lived around the block from me for 18 years.

I might've had a few margaritas tonight. Yeah, I definitely had a few margaritas tonight.

Kat and I had some major girl talk to catch up on...and besides that, I felt majorly nostalgic today. You know, you move on, and things change, but certain people are always going to hold a spot in your heart, just based on how important they were in your life. Ex-fwb has been in contact the last few days, and its nice. I am glad that in spite of everything, we are still friends. That was a long ass period of time, and it would be sad to me if that wasn't the case. I've always maintained that the best thing you can say about any relationship that ends is that you don't regret it. In 34 years, there's only one that I regret, so I guess that's a pretty good track record. And because I firmly believe that life is a series of events that leads you to the next one, and everything is a cause and effect, maybe I can't even say I regret that one.

Either way, I am feeling so positive, and so good, and so lucky...and so tipsy ;)

Bridezillas...

I don't usually watch this show. I think it's idiotic. But whatever I fell asleep watching last night was on this channel, and so I woke up to a marathon of Bridezilla episodes.

Are these women serious? Do people actually act this way? One girl flipped off her grandfather. Another 300lb bride tackled her bridesmaid and was rolling around on top of her, punching her in the back.

Out of curiousity, how is that any of them found a man to go on a SECOND date with them, let alone propose?

This show is a train wreck, or more specifically, these women are train wrecks. I wonder how many stay married more than a year? LOL...

Happy Birthday to Alix

Four years ago today, I was driving down Sand Lake, heading to work, passing by McDonald's, when the phone call I had been waiting ALL day for finally came.

"Alix Lind Court is here." my mom said, laughing and crying at the same time. And then I was crying and laughing too. She was a grandma. My dad was a grandpa. My brother was a dad. I was an aunt. There was another person in the family.

And she has brought us so much joy in the last 4 years. I don't get to see her as much as I would love to, but we make up for it when I do. I could play with her, and Cade, all day long...and I have, lol. I might be biased, but she is brilliant, and hysterically funny, and absolutely gorgeous. I am so blessed to be her aunt. I am so blessed to have been able to go to Disneyland with her and see her face when she met the Princesses 'in person'. I am so blessed that when I am with her, she wants me to put her in her carseat and me to lay with her while she falls asleep.

So, Happy Birthday to my very favorite niece...I know this year will bring lots of excitement and changes (a new baby brother or sister!). I can't wait to watch the beautiful woman that you will grow into!!

How to spend the afternoon...decisions, decisions...

It's 1pm.

I cooked a breakfast feast of bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. I half watched 3 episodes of Extreme Home Makeover on TVLand. I played virtual slot machines on Facebook. I breathed a sigh of relief that Stewart made his flight and got back home to El Paso safely. I shopped online for dresses (again) and now I am watching Coraline. In other words, I have done nothing.

I was supposed to go to Tami and Gary's for pool/BBQ time this afternoon, but something came up so we rescheduled. That has left the day wide open.

Hmmm...part of me wants to go to Disney, but then I keep remembering it's 100* outside in the shade. Part of me wants to go to the Wizarding World because I have some souvenirs to pick up before Texas...but again, that whole 100* thing. I also want to go see Fright Night, because Colin Farrell as a vampire sounds like a lovely way to spend an excruciatingly hot day. I also need to stop by my job at some point.

In reality though, I'll wrap up this blog, climb back into bed with Memphis & Austin, probably fall asleep, and wake up in 2 hours saying, "How should I spend the afternoon?"
It's ok though, because in 2 hours, it will still be the afternoon, and then I can figure it out.

Good night ;)