Friday! Oh, welcome Friday!

I made it to Friday. My head hasn't exploded...yet.  That being said, I have had several "so excited I'm about to pee my pants" moments.  And a few of those "so excited your heart jumps into your throat and you can't speak" moments thrown in for good measure.

I got my nails done, dress, shoes, and jewelry (courtesy of Jamie) ready to go.

Now, if I can make it through to 5pm...it's on.


Jamie and time the best text message ever this morning.  It said, "In 36 hours you'll be sitting in his lap.". Hahahahahaha...we'll see ;)

I feel like She-Ra

So, I made two big moves today.

1. I changed my relationship status to single. I wish single and kind of don't give a fuck was a choice, cause I'd have checked that. Either way, my name is no longer on Stewart's page. He's currently in a relationship with no one, which is accurate.

2. I changed my Netflix password. He wants to watch movies on the fucking iPad I gave him, he can pay for that shit himself.

I feel pretty empowered. I don't need him. Didn't need him...and the fact that truthfully the last two weeks have been so full of power, promise, and self-discovery should tell me all I need to know.

I also finally told my boss that I broke up with him. I'm pretty sure she felt worse than I did. I had to console her. It's been 3 weeks, lol, for real, I'm good.

And I am.

I feel good about me. I feel good about taking care of me. I feel good about doing the things that make me happy and being unapologetic for it. You don't have to understand what makes me tick...but you do have to respect me and my choices. And if you want to remain in my life, you have to be as supportive of me as I am of you.

:)

Taking care of myself :)

Again, in the learning process of self-discovery, I'm figuring out how to take care of myself. I mean, really take GOOD care of ME before anyone else.

I'm learning how to say "no" when I need to and that even if saying no bothers someone else, if it's the healthiest thing for me, than so be it. Finally, and for once, I need to put myself first.

I'm realizing that not only is my life ok, it's good, and it's getting better because I'm going to stop stressing/obsessing about things like marriage and babies. I'll have a baby. Eventually. And I'll get married or I won't. I kind of don't care right now. And I'm going to stop letting other people's ideas for what my life should be affect me. Take me for what I am, and stop trying to make me something I'm not.

:)

Musings...

It's Monday...and this is the best mood I have been in on a Monday in 150 years.  Ok, maybe not that long, but for real, I haven't been this giddy in a Monday in forever.  I told Jamie this morning that if my excitement level rises at the same pace this whole week, my head is going to explode long before Friday gets here.

I had a good weekend, even with laying Damien to rest. Tasha and I talked about the crazy days, remembered him, listened to his music...still so hard to wrap my head around, that he's gone...but he will live on in our hearts.

I met a couple of my online friends and we saw a movie Saturday afternoon. The Bourne Legacy. Yes, again. If I like a movie I can watch it 50 times, particularly if I happen to have a mad crush on the lead actor ;)

Yesterday I went on a solo mission to the Florida Mall and tried on about 20 dresses.  I got mega discouraged until I hit up Macy's and found THE dress. It's AMAZING. I knew when I put it on I'd know, and I put this one on and BAM! So, it was fruitful.

I had breakfast with Randy this morning and laughed a lot...and laughing is good. I've been laughing more the last few weeks.

Tomorrow is Avengers day. Finally. So, tomorrow after work will be a snuggle down in my bed with Memphis kind of night while we watch The Avengers and then, if I'm honest, watch it again.

I'm ahead in my humanities class. I'm passing-ish my math class.

I can't complain.  This week, I really can't.

Cinderella in need of a Fairy Godmother.

Sunday annoyance:

I have a super hot dress that I wasted on Stewart's army ball last year...when I could have saved it and worn it for something and someone more important ;)

Alas, I did not, and so I'm on a dress hunt. I've bought one and ordered one but I'm not sure I'm sold on either.

Off to the mall, I guess :/

"We're Not Normal". Quote of the day...

You know...I'm not normal, and my life is not normal. And that is NOT a bad thing after all.

I've decided to quit trying to be normal. To quit trying to fit into some mold I feel like I ought to fit into.

I'm just going to embrace the fact that I'm sherbet...with sprinkles, and not vanilla. (Thanks, Jamie)

I'm going to have my adventures...because that is WHO I AM.

And I'm not apologizing for it anymore.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do a little bit of shopping.

Tuesday Bluesday

Today, I am depressed. And that's ok. I am thinking about Damien and how he isn't here anymore.
I'm thinking about the more than one time he told me to stop wishing my life away...to stop counting down to the next thing and enjoy what's before me right now. I don't do that enough. Damien lived an amazing, full, rich life. He didn't waste his time being mad, or unhappy...he went after the things he wanted with great gusto and positivity and was thankful for the things he'd already been given.

But I am depressed. Because he's gone. And because I'm standing in a life I don't want and never thought I'd end up with. And I have to change that. I'm just not so sure how.

I spent a lot of years on Chris...years I would never trade and never change. For all the bad, they were good. They were magic. They are all my amazing memories...some funny, some crazy. I don't regret any of it one little bit. I'd do it all again.

I'm furious at Stewart right now. I mean, I shouldn't be, but I am. I furious because I thought he was the home at the end of a long journey. The place where you finally put your feet up and rest your head, and know you are safe and loved.  Last night he said that "the timing wasn't the greatest" for my friend to be murdered...because HE is too busy to deal with my pain right now. I was floored by that comment. I mean, this is not a man that would ever or could ever be depended upon. I know it, and I knew it...but I'm still floored.

I feel lost and floating again...and just maybe a little mad at everyone, myself included, for never taking me into account. For passing off the way THEY think things should have been as more important than what I wanted or want for myself. I'm 35 and I'm nothing...and my life is nothing...and  it seems like it was all so exciting and glamorous and it WAS...but it was always just me running away because I felt so fucking trapped by everyone's expectations of me.

I had the most amazing 3 days in NYC last week. I felt better than I had in so long. Everything in the air felt so full of promise and possibility. Is it too late for me to be what I wanted to be when I grew up? Is it too late for me to start at the beginning and still have the life I wanted?

Sometimes it feels like it is. If I try, though, I know I'll succeed. It's just taking that step out the door and into the unknown.

I'm going to have my own fucking adventure now.

NYC

Here is the saga of NYC in a nutshell:

Friday:
-Lunch at Jane in Soho. I had toasted ricotta gnocchi with truffle crema. A-fucking-making. And housemade blackberry soda to drink. The restaurant was so chic they didn't even have regular coke or Pepsi, lol.
- Tour of the International Culinary Center. They fed us scones and turmeric curry raisin bread. They showed us the library with 4,000 cookbooks. They showed us chefs, and walls of fame, and kitchens, and everyone was amazingly nice. It made me sad that I didn't go to culinary school when I was younger. It made me wonder if it's too late.
-We walked back almost 5 miles on my bum foot...but it was ok, we took our time and stopped for gelato. I had passion fruit and amaretto; Tina had lemon and berry. We shared. All 4 favors we're to die for.
- We stopped in Crumbs and bought  a half dozen cupcakes which we ate slowly all weekend.
- We went to Toys R Us and rode the ferris wheel.
- We went to see If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet. We were blown away. We met Annie Funke, the lead actress, and told she was amazing. We met Jake Gyllenhaal. I took a picture with him while Christina practiced her s & m skills on his bicep. We had a drink with Annie. And Jake showed up.
- We met Rebecca, Dave and the kids. We drank some more.
- We went to a liquor store and went to Paula's apartment, where we sat on the rooftop in the middle of the city, drank some more, and contemplated moving there.
- We  walked back to the amazingly located hotel and bought some pizza, which we ate chased by cupcakes at 3 or 4am.
 - We tried to sleep...but just kept repeating "Jake fucking Gyllenhaal" back and forth and laughing for a good hour.

Saturday:
- Breakfast at 128 Stage Restaurant. This is the diner that Jeremy Renner's character owned and lived in on The Unusuals. I was beyond excited. We had banana pancakes and cornedbeef hash. All delicious.
- We went to American Girl where I bought souvenirs, of course.
- We went to 30 Rock and took the NBC Tour and met Bill Hader while looking at the SNL set. The tour guide says that has never happened to her before...a star coming out to meet the group. Tina and I were not surprised.
- We went to the top of the building even though we are both afraid of heights. We were not afraid. We even went to the highest level, the one without the glass protective barriers. We were on top of the world, literally and figuratively.
- We went to Jacques Torres and had chocolates...one each, and shared halves. Passion Fruit and Alize with dark chocolate and green tea dark chocolate. They were so good, we cried. We really did.
- We went to Eataly. We bought pastries. We ate cheese and charcuterie...we drank more fancy soda...we walked around, taking it all in...imagined moving to NYC some more.
- We walked back...went to the Disney Store where Tina got one of the last Maleficent dolls.
- We went to Hershey.
- We went to Milk Bar and got compost cookies and a pretzel milkshake.
- We went to a comic store and I found my Hawkeye figure.
- We went to Newsies where we got drunk and I cried tears of fucking utter joy.
- We literally ran to Esca...where you have to get reservations a month in advance...but we secured some that day cause we're awesome, lol. We drank bellini's...crostini compliments of the chef...crispy pumpkin flower salad...heirloom tomato and housemade mozzarella salad....gnocchi and eggplant...tiny desserts. We changed our waiter's name from Ferhat to Gianni.
- We wanted to drink some more and walking back, ran into Adam Duritz. I nearly peed my pants.
- We went to some bars and finally to Starbucks and sat in Time Square for half the night. Tina said the only way the trip could be better was if money fell from the sky. We turned a corner, looked down, and a $20 bill was on the ground. This really happened,
- We decided we wanted to go to a psychic. We turned a corner and there one was...but walter we walked up four flights of stairs and they turned rickety and crooked and a boy that looked like the kid from The Shining ran out, we booked it out of there.
- Went back to the hotel and ate more cupcakes and watched The Unusuals on my IPad. Too wired to sleep. Made reservations at The Russian Tearoom for Sunday brunch...read the menu...changed our minds.

Sunday:
 - Went to Brooklyn Diner for breakfast and ate red velvet waffles.
- Went to Crumbs and bought more cupcakes.
- Took in the city and thought about moving some more.
- Headed to the airport.

Epic. Epic. Epic weekend.

For Damien.

I have a lot to say about New York...and I'll get to that tomorrow. But for now, I have something else to talk about.

On Saturday night, my friend Damien was murdered.

He was more filled with joy and positivity and light than any other human being I have ever met.

He did not have an unkind word for anyone, and for anyone that did him wrong, he prayed.

He believed in the goodness of everyone and posted almost daily on his Facebook some message about life being too short and loving each other and forgiveness.

Damien was one of the best people I was ever lucky enough to know.

I am sick and sad, but I know that he is smiling down on all of his friends and family. He will be our guardian angel now.

R.I.P. Damien...one love.

It's all good.

I'm at the airport, an hour away from an NYC bound flight. I am fucking ecstatic. I mean, I am going to New York for 3 days and I feel like I'm about embark on an African Safari adventure or some other equally amazing trip...but I don't care, I'm excited.

I've been to NYC 6 or 7 times...it's nothing new. But I've never been with Christina, I've never seen a show, I've never gone and just had no agenda except to have a wonderful time. And she and I, well, we both need a wonderful time.

I broke up with Stewart a week ago today. He doesn't even know that yet. That's a whole other long story, but I'm not kidding. And that's the issue with the whole relationship. I've ended things and he doesn't even know because he is too busy worrying about himself to worry about me at all. But even that's ok, because I do an alright job of taking care of myself.

So this weekend, I'm going to laugh, and eat, and shop, and pay $17 for a margarita, and revel in the fact that maybe there are some things missing from my life, but damn it, I can fly off to NYC for the weekend anytime I want...and I don't have to justify it to anyone.

Instead of worrying about all the shit, I don't have, I'm going to enjoy what I do. :)

And here is why Thursday sucked...

First of all, my foot is driving me nuts. I don't want to be sitting around, unable to run, or walk around Disney, or anywhere for that matter. It's irritating already and it's been 2 days. It's going to be a long few months. FML


Second of all, I stopped in Walgreens on my way home from work last night to get some AdvilPM, and when I got back in the car the damn a/c fan wasn't working again. When it rains, it pours, right? So now I have to figure that out. Kia can take their Soul and shove it,

Third of all, I knew it last night, the end had come...I'm breaking up with Stewart. I just have to, you know, actually do it. Last  night was bad.


On an up note though, I bought an Avengers toy grab bag at Walgreens too. It supposedly contained one of  24 different miniature Avenger toys. I got a Hawkeye skateboard. Maybe things are looking up for today ;)

Random Shit

1. I'm officially obsessed with Tumblr. I mean I feel like I discovered some super awesome secret world.

2. I love my new haircut.

3. I am 95% certain I've got a stress fracture in my right foot. This couldn't suck more and couldn't have happened at a worse time. I hope I, wrong, but I don't think I am. Push yourself a little harder,  I told myself. FML

4. I am unsure how many people in my college classes got through 3rd grade, let alone into college. Real sentence in an assignment post: "Their selves different mines." Mine is ALREADY showing ownership, you don't need that s...ever. And Their selves? No words.

5. I could eat ice cream for every meal. And sometimes I do.

6. I need a new laptop. Mines doesn't work. ( You see what I did there?)

That's my random Wednesday post.

Here is where things start getting complicated again...

I love my boyfriend. I do. For so many reasons, both valid and probably not so valid. But, I do. And I never realized that you can be with someone, can love them, maybe be in love with them, but they are still wrong.  That the demise of a relationship can be slow and quiet and sneak up on you, can happen without a fight or someone cheating...can just happen.

I'm not sure if that is where we are...I'm not sure of anything, except that maybe the continuation of the circle that leads back to this question should tell me something.

After my last trip to Texas, I was in a fighting mood. I love him and I was going to fight for this and make it work, because here's the thing...I know it COULD work. I know it would work, and that even as I type this, to him, it IS working. It's fine.

But the unfortunate reality is that I don't want fine. I never have. I want rainbows and hearts and unicorns and fireworks. And I don't mean that I want or expect a perfect relationship. That I don't understand that there will be problems and that we won't always agree on things. What I mean is that, I want him to make me feel like even during those not so great times, there's still no else he'd rather be with, rather fight with, rather make up with. I want to feel like in 40 years, he will say to our daughter "I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to your mom..." the way my dad has said that to me about mine. And I just don't know if he's that guy...if he even has that in him to express, or at worst, even feel. Sometimes I get a glimpse of who he is if he could open up, but that's all it is, a fleeting glimpse. He loves me, I know he does...but I want a love that burrows in and builds a home in our hearts that keeps expanding and growing. His love is there, but never seems to expand, never seems to grow, feels taken for granted sometimes, neglected sometimes.  And that sad reality is, I know he can't really help that, it's who he is and how he was raised, and it's not bad, it's just different from me. Maybe too different.

So it leaves me contemplative and sad and unsettled.

And in conjunction with this, I have been having some very serious thoughts lately on the possibility of having a baby with a good friend of mine. That at this stage in the game, given the choice between him and my boyfriend, he is the better choice. He and I are more alike, share more common values, fit comfortably together into the same group of friends that not only love and accept us both, but seem to excitedly embrace the idea of us coparenting. In a way that is both good and bad, in my heart I know that given the choice, he is the right choice. I know that not everyone in my life, perhaps even my family...or his...will not be behind us. But even that doesn't scare me.  We wouldn't need the acceptance of anyone that doesn't understand that we wanted a baby so much, had so much love to give. Neither of us can make a baby alone, and although either of us could technically raise one alone, wouldn't together be better? And wouldn't it help weed out anyone in our futures that weren't going to be worth our time anyways?

It leaves me at a crossroads heading in three directions. I can work on things with Stewart...wait till he is out of the army because really only then can I have a full view of our life together. I can continue to think about going this coparenting route with Cory. Or, I can move along a new road by myself and see what's down there.

I'm just not sure.