What a girl wants...

So, while I am still with my boyfriend, things have obviously not been going great. While we continue to work on things, I am also keeping an open mind if someone else were to come into my life. Or, a couple of someone else's as the case has been in the last few weeks. Let's recap: -John the douchebag. -The date that I didn't realize was a date, because I don't want to date you. -Andrew...turned into so much unnecessary drama by Kat in a 24 hour period that I now have no need for either of them in my life. -Ryan...we're talking now. Another tech, as if I haven't learned my lesson yet, but seems like it could be worth my time. We are supposed to have drinks when I get back from vacation. We'll see. Either way, he's pretty adorable. -And Boba Fett, whom Jamie is trying to hook me up with too, maybe just for fun, lol. I mean, ok, he isn't TECHNICALLY Boba Fett, but he's plays him at Disney ;). I guess this isn't a bad start, although its mostly turned out bad so far. It made me think, what is it that I want in a guy. Like, what would the ideal Mr.Right possess? 1. He would say "bless you" when I sneeze. It's just polite. 2. When I ask how his day was or how he is, he asks me back. 3. When he goes in the gas station to buy a drink, he brings me a Diet Coke too. 4. He would hold my hand when we walk around Disney, and kiss me on the Haunted Mansion. (This may sound dumb, but this Haunted Mansion make-out has been my silly girl dream for years. I've ridden it with several guys...they have all failed this test. I am convinced that when a guy kisses me on it, he will be "the one". It will be like the glass slipper finally fitting.) 5. He wants kids...and dogs. 6. He understands the importance of acknowledging the following 4 days: Valentine's, my birthday, our anniversary, and Christmas. Not just because they are important to me, but to him too. And I don't mean elaborate gifts or anything...just a card, or put on a DVD of my favorite movie...something. 7. Because I will happily defer to his movie choices 95% of the time, he will, once in awhile, go see some Twilight-esque crap movie with me and not complain or look pissed throughout. 8. When we take pictures together, he will smile. 9. He will make me laugh, especially when I want to cry. 10. He will say I love you, and mean that he does, and his actions will speak as loud as his words. That's it. Is that unreasonable?

Trouble!

Like usual, my old FWB knows just when to show up...just when I'm a little down, a little vulnerable, a little more open to his mumbo jumbo. I don't know how he does it, but for nearly 14 years now, he's had this uncanny ability. And like clockwork, a message shows up: "we need to get in some trouble" I won't lie, I'm flattered at first, excited even. I don't love him anymore...but I will never not like his continued attention. He had a hold on me for a very long time. I rather enjoy having a bit of a hold on him. But it's short lived. To begin with, I'm not going to mess around on my boyfriend with him. And even more...this man is in a committed relationship. With a girl that seems to adore him. How can she be posting how much she loves their "adventures", while he is secretly propositioning me, the woman that walked away because of her? I find lately that most men want to have their cake, and eat it too. He can't, at least not with me. It makes me feel empowered to say that. You CAN'T have me anymore.

There is a scene the movie "Where The Heart Is" where something horrible has just happened to Ashley Judd's character and her family and she says something like "...how do they find me? How do they see me and just know they'll be able to do these horrible things?" Sometimes I wonder that myself. I don't think I look particularly frail or easily fucked with. I curse a lot. I can take care of myself, usually. I'm not big, I don't think I'm necessarily little either. But I keep being drawn to the most shit bag people...people that don't deserve to be trusted, or second chances, or actually first chances if we're being honest, lol. And yet, there they are, in my life, with chance after chance to prove what assholes they are. I'd really like to make my life an asshole-free zone.

Breathing...or not

Well, I'm breathing again...sort of. I mean, a lot of the craziness that has swirled around me for the last few weeks has finally started to die down and has left me with what I knew in the first place...and that is that I love my boyfriend. Whew...that feels good. It is nice to have my mind back. I know there are things to work on and work out...and so we will see. But in the end, I'm hoping that everything will be ok. Now, being that I have spent the last few weeks in mental turmoil...not sleeping, eating, or generally taking as good care of myself as I usually do, I have ended up sick. I can't breath, my head is killing me...everything basically hurts. I should have seen this coming...but of course, hindsight is 20/20. I'm going to rest this weekend and continue to clear my head...getting healthy all the way around :)

Confusing, I know...

See if you can follow me on this: Sometimes, the wrong guy comes along and challenges what you have with the right guy. You start to doubt the right guy for the wrong one, because that wrong one says lots of sweet flowery things. But in the end, thanks wrong guy, because you just helped reaffirm what I felt for the right guy in the first place. Make sense?

My Dear John letter...

You left a bruise on my lip. At first, I liked it. I woke up and saw it, and felt it every time I pressed my lips together. I liked knowing it was there...knowing you had been there. But it's still there...and you are not. Now, when I feel that tiny slice of warm pain, it makes me feel very cold. Now when I look in the mirror, I am mad at myself for letting you leave a mark on me...internally and externally. Fuck you.

My reality trumps reality tv!

You know I hate reality shows. I hate them. Except, now that I live here, Jamie has me watching a shit ton of them...and, well, I sort of don't hate them at all. Especially The Bachelorette. I've prided myself on how little I have cared about any of these stupid shows...but now I am as emotionally invested in who will become little Ricki's father as Emily is herself. That being said, I get excited for Monday night, because it's Bachelorette night. And lo and behold, today is Monday and I didn't even think about that until just now. At almost 5pm. It makes me so happy when there is other stuff in my life going on that overshadows tv shows, lol. I am meeting Cory at Studios in a little while, where we will have dinner and then watch the 10:30 Fantasmic show. I've never seen Fantasmic...or if I did (which Ryan insists), I don't remember. It seems like a good time to finally check it out...or, at least check it out in between checking out the hot tech running lights tonight ;)

I'm not cautiously optimistic anymore...I threw caution to the wind, lol

There was nothing to be nervous about. Last night was lovely. Beyond lovely even...it was easy. It was comfortable. It was nice :) I had as much fun as I expected, maybe more...and that's both good and bad. I mean to begin with, I never thought any of this was even an option...and I'm kind of still reeling that it is, and all the things with Stew that happened in the last few weeks that led me to the point of even finding any of this out. I've been in a weird limbo and I knew last night was going to swing that...I knew last night was going to tell me if I even had any desire to proceed. It did, and I do. The bad comes in that, for fuck's sake, Whit...here you've gone and inserted yourself smack in the middle of another complicated mess. The kind of good in that is that it really isn't my mess to clean up. I mean, I don't have to fix it or anything, I just have to wait and deal and soldier on with a smile and enjoy this giddy phase. I don't know what is going to happen. I know what I hope will happen. We just have to see. But right now, I'm starting my Sunday with a hangover and a smile...and if you can wake up with that combination, well, hold onto that and enjoy the ride.

Times they are a-changin...

So, tonight I am going to do something that I've done about a hundred times before. I'm going to take a shower, and get dressed...change my outfit...change it back...and then Jamie and I are going to walk two blocks to the Tavern. We will sit outside...she will order a Long Island...I will order a Margarita, on the rocks, no salt. We will wait for our friends. Jamie will make me drink water. We will laugh...a lot. We will make inappropriate jokes at each others' expense, and laugh some more. Yes, it is the same drill we have completed a hundred times before. But tonight is different. I'm nervous.

I wish the last week had never happened. I wish I could erase the whole fucking thing and go back and start over. But, of course, I can't. I felt so good and happy and settled...and now, this looming unease has settled over me and I don't like it. It's a horrible, bad feeling. I want to go back to FL right now, and I don't. I want to change things, and I don't. I, just confused... And it's a confusion that did not live in my heart just a short time ago. I wish I could make it go away.

The last few days have been awful...horrible...crazy. And I learned something about myself. I often do not think before I act. I get caught up in whatever drama is inevitably ensuing, and that does not always lead to the best choices. It is hard for me not to be like this, because my instinct is to fix whatever is broken, and fix it immediately, which may not always be practical or possible. Sometimes you need to wait things out. Sometimes you need to let things sink in to really understand how you feel. Sometimes you have to stop and remember that no one else is actually you...and therefore will not act or react the same way you will in a given situation. The journey of figuring out who you are at 35 is a rocky road. Spending the years of your twenties being something and someone that you are not kind of leaves you adrift in the sea of adulthood. You never move past that game of pretend, so it's a rude awakening when it becomes apparent that life is no longer pretend. Choices matter. Feelings matter. People matter. And most importantly, I fucking matter. I have spent many many years putting myself last for whatever reason or whatever person that happened to present itself. I realize that it is unhealthy to do that all the time, but it is an amazingly hard habit to get out of. I want everyone to love me...and it's hard for me to accept that some will and some won't...just because of who I am, and not what I can or can't do for you. I buy love. I buy friendship. I don't feel like I am worthy by myself, so I have to sweeten the deal. I will buy dinner. I will pay for drinks. I will cover this vacation...if you will only spend time with me. I don't know why I feel this way. During this no good week, it has come to my attention that finally I a, surrounded by people that love me because they just do...people that don't have to, but want to. People that I have done nothing for, but to be a friend back. It is refreshing, and amazing, and a little overwhelming. I am told these are e kinds of friends I deserve, these are the normal kind of friends. I have had so few of these. But I am happy to have them now. I am learning, slowly...that things can change.