Just breathe.

It's just one of those days...where there's so much pain you feel like you could actually reach out and touch it. But you have things to do, so you smile because you don't really have a choice. All you can think about is that moment you can go home and just cry.

Sometimes

Sometimes, you are reading the Pioneer Woman cookbook and you start to cry.

You probably aren't sure exactly why you are crying except that you've been riding the tallest, fastest steepest emotional roller coaster in the world for 3/4 of a year now, and you are really just ready to get on It's A Small World.  You want to ride on a tiny boat, on a calm sea, where everyone around you is happy and smiling and singing and doesn't have a fucking care in the world...even if it's only for 5 minutes or so.

Maybe it's because you keep reading recipes for Peach Whiskey chicken or Plum Honey chicken with red wine, and you wonder if the recipe will be ruined if you omit the whiskey or the wine. (For the record, in the case of the Peach chicken, it won't be ruined at all.) Every time you come across things like this, your mind begins a mental check list of all the things that will never be normal in your life if your life includes him.

Maybe it's because you know you love him. You love him so much that it hurts. You want to fix him SO BAD that it tears at your soul. And you know that you can't. And even worse than that is knowing that it would be easier to just turn your back and walk away. To just pretend like the last 8 months never happened. To pretend like when you walked out the door 4 years ago, you never walked back in. It's worse knowing that you can, but you won't. At least not yet. You hope not ever, but you don't know. The not knowing is awful.

Maybe it's because you are tired. You are exhausted physically and emotionally. When you are in your own comfy, soft bed, you lay awake for hours and stare at your cell phone. You check to make sure the ringer is on, and then you check again. You look at the clock and the hours tick by and you don't want to admit that lately, sleeping pills are the only thing letting you sleep at home. When you are with him, you sleep so soundly, even if it's on the hard fucking futon with some tv show blasting, because you know he's 6 inches away from you and for now, he's safe.

Maybe it's because you are helpless. I mean really, truly helpless. You can clean the house as much as you want. You can do all the laundry and fold it and put it away. You can buy things to make the house smell good. You can cook and make sure that there's food to eat that doesn't have to be made in a microwave cup or didn't come from the gas station. You can put candles on the table and matching towels in the bathroom-all the little touches that make it look like a home that someone cares about. And none of those things are going to make anything any better.

Maybe it's because he knows he needs help. And you know he needs help. But so far, he's not getting help. And that's scary.

Maybe it's because you got tired of reading about how vicious this disease is. How hard it is to overcome, for the person who has it and the people around him. How it hurts the people who love him as much as it hurts him, sometimes more. So you picked up that Pioneer Woman cookbook and she looked so happy and her life looks so fantastic that it just made you cry. You know that it isn't. You know that no one's life is perfect and that she has problems just like you do, just like we all do. But for a moment, you wish could trade places, and make that chicken with all the ingredients.

Sometimes, it's impossibly hard to love someone and be able to love yourself at the same time.

I've basically been having an anxiety attack for the past 48 hours. Heart palpitations, cold sweat, lightheaded, all the usual symptoms.

It's been awhile and it really sucks.

I hope that tonight I can figure this out, for better or worse.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Sometimes, you find yourself in the most beautiful and unexpected of places. You never imagined you would be here, at this time, in this way, after all the things you've gone through, and yet here you are.

And it isn't perfect by a longshot. And it isn't even easy. But it's worth it.

You know that everything you went through and everything he went through brought you both to this point where you would meet up again and you could face your demons together, stronger.

This is a place I never thought I would be. I'm really grateful that I am.

2015 and WTF is going on?

If you'd have told me a month ago the way I'd be spending New Year's, I would have laughed in your face for about 3 hours.

I never thought I'd see him again, let alone spend NYE with his arms wrapped around me, fireworks outside his house, dinner he (very proudly) cooked me.

And yet, there it is.

I came home from Michigan, dropped poor Memphis off, and spent he next 48 hours with him.

I don't know what is going on...what it will be, or won't be.

All I know is that I'm really glad I'm in this most unexpected place.

I hope I can stay here for a really long time.

And, an update...

Listen, I have spent years- YEARS- making excuses for guys I have been in relationships with.  Excuses that I believed with all my heart. Until, you know, it became clear that they were indeed just excuses and that I was wasting both my time and potential by continuing the relationship.

Maybe that has jaded me.  Maybe that has made me shift so far in the other direction that I don't give anyone a proper chance.  That being said, this guy I like...I think maybe Jamie was right when she said she thought he was a douchebag.  Or, at least that's how I'm feeling.

Am I reading too much into things?  Sure, probably (as usual) but I feel again as if I am the one putting in all the effort (also as usual) and I can't do that again. I can't allow myself to do that again.
I KNOW he's busy (aren't they always?) but you know if you have any interest in someone, you make time.  Because you can always make time for things you want to make time for. It's a simple as that.

Hey Jane...Get me off this crazy thing...called love...

Well, there's this guy...
Isn't there always?

Anyway, there IS this guy.  And I LIKE him.  I have liked him for a long time.  Years.  But you know it was that kind of like that was "I would have a huge crush on you...if I wasn't already dating someone." Or "I have a huge crush on you, but you are already dating someone."  The timing was shit every single time. But we've been friends all this time.  Not besties by any means, but friends.

Last year, I thought the timing might be lining up.  We went on what was sort of, maybe, kind of, maybe not, I don't have any clue...a date. And then we made plans to have dinner that were studded with him being out of town, and then me being out of town.. and time getting away from us, and me getting really sick, and him getting really sick, and then I was messing around with this other guy and months went by...and so here we are in June and I was just about to give up.

Last week, I posted something on fb that led to a flirt fest (it was...I clarified it with 3 people before I accepted that he was indeed flirting with me) and so I bit the bullet and sent him a message and asked if this dinner was happening or what.  In my head, this was the last chance.

And he was into it. Apologetic about how life got away from us. Flirty. REALLY flirty...and then really honest. And I admitted to having liked him for a long time and the timing being horrible until now. And he admitted to the same thing...but now the timing was right, let's see.

But, he's out of town. And then I will be out of town.

And this was last Thursday and I kind of feel like if we just admitted that we liked each other, shouldn't like, maybe I have heard from you since last Thursday?  

And so I'm in limbo again now but worse, because I LIKE HIM. Like, a lot.  I'm just not sold on his feelings, no matter what he said the other night.

This is why I hate dating.