Musings...

Stewart just posted a Facebook status update.

It said "last night in el paso"... And no, El  Paso was not capitalized.

I can write all this on here because even though we dated for  over a year and he knew I had this blog, he never had the interest to ask to read it.

Last year at this time, I imagined that this year, right now, I'd be about to embark on a very different course than the one I am on. I thought we would be moving in together, getting ready to get married, maybe already with a baby on the way.

I cleaned my room the other day and found a journal I'd kept for him. One I had written in every day he was gone in the field so he would know I was thinking about him and what was going on with me.
When I gave it to him, he set it aside unopened. Jamie had the foresight to tell me to take it from him until I was sure he deserved it. I did and what I became sure of was that he didn't deserve it. I opened it for a moment and thought I might read it, to remember what I had been doing and feeling. Then I decided against it. It didn't really matter what I was feeling, because it was undeserved and unreciprocated. I threw it away, just like I threw my love away on him for over a year.  It didn't hurt, it just made me a little sad. I am worth so much more than being wasted.

So Stewart is leaving El Paso and he's supposedly moving to Tampa.

I am moving on with my life  proactively. I am travelling. I am doing the things I used to love and realize I still do. I am changing my career soon, I hope...and even where I live. It feels good, it feels right, it feels scary, it feels like a challenge, it feels like its time. I think.

I am excited. I wouldn't change anything that I've done since breaking up with him, or trade any of it to give it another chance. He was wrong for me, he wasted me, he used me, REPEATEDLY.

I don't want the life I thought we were going to have. I guess I probably never did...at least not with him.  I'm happier now than I was when I was with him...take better care of myself than he ever did of me.

Sometimes I wonder if he is sorry. I wonder if ever realizes what he had and what he so carelessly tossed aside. I wonder if he thinks he should have treated me better.  He probably doesn't. I'm not sure he has the capability.

I hope I have learned to be capable of letting go of things that aren't right a lot sooner...

Taking my own advice is never easy...

I told at least two of my friends this week the following line:

"Your feelings are valid. They are yours. You have a right to them. You don't control them and you don't need to apologize for them."

And by you don't control them I don't mean to let them control you... I mean that you don't control WHAT you feel. If something pisses you off, it does. It doesn't  matter how much you attempt to talk yourself out of it.

If you feel bad, it just makes you feel worse if you spend time berating yourself for feeling bad in the first place. Embrace it, figure out what or why, figure out what can be done to fix it. If nothing can be done, take a deep breath and admit that it's out of your hands. The only control you have over it is your outward reaction.

It's easy advice and it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? So why, WHY, do I find it so hard to accept myself?

Another day...

...another douchetool.

Moving on.

Next?

;)

Hello 2013

It's funny...this was maybe the best Christmas ever. I say it's funny because there was a lot of shit going on that should have made it suck.

My grandma is a pain in everyone's ass.
My dad's health is looming over everyone's heads.
My brother had surgery on New Year's Eve.
My life is, as usual, up in the air.

And yet, I chose to enjoy my family and the time I got to spend with them.

We went to the casino and I won what to me is a lot of money. That was awesome.
We got to spend Christmas Eve with my cousins after all, and had a wonderful time.
We spent a weekend with Rick and Molly and I painted Alix's nails, which was great fun for an aunt.
We ate a lot of great food, we got a lot of amazing presents. It's always overboard crazy chaos on Christmas morning, and I LOVE that. I got everything I could have possibly wanted and then some...and I think I for everyone everything they wanted too.
I spent a great girl's night with Tina where we tried to lay out some future plans.
I came home to great friends and a Christmas 2.0 celebration with them.

Like I said, my life is unsettled. I'm not where I want to be or doing what I want to do. But I'm working on all of that, and that's really all I can do.

I'm starting a new blog this weekend, which is going to chronicle a year's worth of adventures. I want to see how many people I can meet...how many places I can go...how many things will go amazingly right or totally wrong.

The adventure starts in honor of Tina's birthday. And really, in honor of both of us finding our place this year, or at least getting on the road to it. ;)