This is going to sound stupid or crazy...and if you don't know me well, or maybe didn't know me 'back then', you won't understand, but something amazing happened to me this past week. You know how sometimes you don't realize you were missing something until you have it again? Like wow, I forgot how good lobster is because I haven't eaten one lately? Like that. I literally forgot how much I love music, mostly because I was jaded by the musicians that were personally in my life. I just kind of shut it out. Nothing felt good, nothing felt worth my time or effort. Then, a few months ago I really started digging The Fray and The Script. I went and saw The Fray in concert and realized how much I'd missed live music. Then a few weeks later, my friend Laurice got tickets for KD Lang, who I had utterly 0 interest in...but I went anyways and lo and behold, I really enjoyed the show and her music. So I've been easing myself back into actually liking music again. And then last week, I randomly decided I needed to buy this cd I'd heard one song off of. So I did. And here's the thing...every single thing in my life this week has been better and brighter and I feel more like myself than I have all year. I'm more relaxed, more patient, have a renewed sense of purpose. I MISSED music so fucking much and I didn't even know it. I don't know...maybe it's just all these things aligning, but I haven't seen Stewart in 4 months...and a week from right now actually he'll finally be here...and i feel like an old friend joined me again last week...so everything I love is coming together. I could be reading too much into this, but all I know is that I feel just fucking GOOD.

Reciprocating...

Here is where I go to vent...to say thing I think and feel but might not ever say in my real life, good and bad. It's Friday night, and I am venting. I'm worth more than I sometimes give myself credit for, and certainly more than I accept from other people. I truly believe in give and take and I know that in every relationship, there are times where you give more and times when you need to take more. Unfortunately, I often find myself on the giving end...and while this works for awhile, there inevitably comes a time when I begin to burn out and resent the situation. I could blame the other party...and sure, part of it is their fault. But if I was being honest, the blame lies with me, doesn't it? Because of it didn't, I wouldn't keep finding myself in this situation, would I? I am a self-sufficient girl. I take care of myself and I like that. I tell myself I'm super great all the time, because I think I am. It took me a long time to feel that way...a lot of abusing myself and letting other people abuse me, but I'm here. The thing is, if I'm going to be with you, as a friend or a lover, I'm going to affirm the shit out of you. I expect you to do the same. We are supposed to lift each other up, but there are some people in my life getting mighty fucking heavy because I'm doing all the lifting.

I'm trying something new...

Overall, I would say I eat pretty healthy. At least, I try to be mindful of what I eat, and when it's something I shouldn't be, I know it. However, I realize lately that I just don't feel that great physically. I could be healthier. So a couple of days ago I made a conscious decision to try to ci It out white flour and processed foods and sugar as much as I could...focusing on fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grain, and natural protein. The only crappy thing I have honestly put in my mouth in the last 4 days is Diet Coke. And even that, I've cut down on. And you know what I've discovered, I kind of don't miss that other stuff as much as I thought I would. When I'm hungry for a snack...which surprisingly hasn't been as often, I pop some fresh cherries or an apple with almond butter. I never thought I would feel satisfied with a dinner that didn't have some noodles or rice or potato on the side, but I have been. The only time I seem to struggle is right after dinner when I want some dessert. I'm getting through it ok. I'm kind of shocked that I enjoy fruit and vegetables as much as I have been. I hope this sticks...or at least becomes more of a habit than it has.

Fifty shades of how hard is this to figure out?

I did it. I caved. I read Fifty Shades of Gray and the 2 books that follow it. In about 4 days. And yes, they sucked. However, I enjoyed them. I'm not going to lie. I mean they weren't literary masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination, but they were a good time killing escape. What is cracking me up is what a big deal the media is making about women liking the books and trying to figure out why. For fucks sake, let me break it down for you: #1 Girls like sex a lot more than we are given credit for. And there is a lot of sex in this book. Let's face it, there is more sex in this book than most people have in 5 years. These people have sex 52 times a day. And we like it, becaue well, we like sex. #2 But even more than liking sex, we like the idea of having time to have it 52 times a day. It's novel. This girl sort of works, but she can stop 7 times in her 8 hour day to have sex. In closets and offices and elevators and in cars and on desks. Lucky her. We are all jealous that there is nothing preventing her from just having sex wherever and whenever she wants. #3 Most importantly though, the guy in the book was written by a woman who gets it, even if she sucks as a writer. This guy acts like this girl walks on water. He lights up when she comes in a room. When she isn't there, he tells her he misses her. He pays attention to the things she says. He maks her feel special. Bingo dummies. See #3 and then see it again. That is why women are going apeshit for this book. We want to have sex-a lot- with a man that acts as if there is not one other woman in the world they want to have sex with. There's your big secret answer. The end.