I have this new friend with benefits.

And for the first time, that's really, truly all it is.

I like him well enough, but not so much that I want to like marry him and live happily ever after.

I used to be SO content with the FWB shit, but damn it...I'm just not right now.

He asked me to come over last night...I didn't.

He asked me to come over tonight...I'm not going to.

I'm just not feeling it. It doesn't feel worth it. And that's weird to me, because I feel like I should want to.

I don't know. I don't even know what the point of saying any of this was, lol...except that it just isn't like me.

I have a lot of fun.
I do a lot of crazy, amazing stuff.

I'm happy, mostly.

When you don't feel like anything is missing, you don't know to miss it, right?

But every now and then something creeps in and surprises you. Something you thought was never a possibility anyway and it upsets the balance.

My Best Friend's Wedding

My best friend got married this past weekend.

And I had an absolute blast at this wedding with my actual family, with people I consider my family, and with my friends.

Ten years ago Whitney would not have had fun at all. Ten years ago Whitney would have been upset over the people there that didn't like her, would have been self-conscious, would have been cowering and looking for an escape.

But I only just felt sorry for those people now, because being purposely and pointlessly nasty to other people only means that there is something broken in YOU, not in ME.

I hope they had fun too. I hope they were able to stop being catty long enough to notice the people there that loved them too. I hope one day they can be happy enough with their own lives that it's no longer a priority to try to belittle other people in order to feel worth and validity. I hope that eventually they will realize that kindness breeds kindness and that it goes SO much further than being mean.

My best friend is, without a doubt, the very kindest person I have ever met in my life. He is a prize. He will give his wife the stars if she asks, but I hope she doesn't. I hope she knows that she does not need the stars because she has the very best husband she could have been blessed enough to marry.

<3

Some things are better left in the past.

Like Nsync.

People are going apeshit ALL OVER my facebook and twitter.  Sending me fucking messages and texts.

"Are you excited?"
"Did you hear?"
"OMG OMG OMG"

It has clearly helped me to come to two very important realizations.

#1- who my real, honest, true, understanding, & intelligent friends are.
Did you send me a meme making fun of Nsync or more specifically a certain member? Then you are one of those friends. Did you not even acknowledge this stupidity? Yep, one of those friends.

If you called me or texted me or messaged me with one of the three above quotes, you suck.


#2- people clearly feel that any relationship you may have had with someone who is or was in the public eye is not subject to the same rules as any other.  If I saw that you ex just got a promotion, or I ran into him at the airport on his way to a first class trip around the world, do you want me to call you or text you and gush about it? "OMG He's flying first class to Fiji! And staying in one of those hotels over the water with a glass floor!" No, you don't, because you don't care.


Now the real truth is, I don't care. I haven't cared in a really long time. I love him. I'm not in love with him. I wish him well. Mostly, lol. That being said, I still don't wish to have him rammed down my throat the way it's been for the last 7 fucking days. I really, really, REALLY hope this is a one time thing. Because otherwise, I'm going to have to quit about 20 of my friends and shun the internet.

Here we go again...

You know, this summer was fucking amazing. I mean that. I was the best summer I have ever had in my life on every level. If I could live the rest of my life like the last three months, I would be happy forever.

But, obviously, real life doesn't work that way.

I went back to work after almost a month off. It's fine. It isn't good; it isn't bad. It just is.  I think I was hoping that after some time off and some fun and clearing my head, that I would go back there and love being a nanny again.  I don't.  I was hoping that I would be content and that I would not instantly be longing to do something-ANYTHING-besides what I am doing.

A week ago I thought I was even happy and content here, in Florida, with my friends and my life...but you know, that's just a facade too.

It's funny when you make the decision to start removing people from your life. It's almost dangerous. Because as hard as it is to make that first move, to rid yourself of people that are no good for you...once you make it, it's SO liberating. It feels SO good to not have to deal with drama and worry and stupidity. It almost feels SO good that you wonder about everyone in your life. You wonder how many strikes are enough to say enough. One? Ten? When does self-preservation become something else...something darker? When you start to feel let down by people you trust and then you get to the point that you have to question trusting anybody.

Never, ever, in a million years...

Five New Kids on the Block cruises.

Well, 4 previous and then this years's, which leaves next Saturday from Miami.

I have made fun of that damn boat for the last 4 years...ever since the first one when Heather and I contemplated going u tip we saw that it was 3 days long and about $3 grand.

Do I look like I'm paying 3 grand to be on a boat full of snarky women vying for Donnie Wahlberg's attention?

Hell fucking no.


And then...this year happened. This year where I've started to mentally compile a bucket list. This year where I started to stop trying to be someone I'm not and embrace my quirks.

This year, where Jon Knight tweeted that this was likely going to be the last NKOTB cruise.

What?
The last?
Wait, what?

And that was all it took for my wheels to start...slowly. What if it WAS the last? What if I regret never going on it? What it's the most amazing thing ever (like everyone who has ever been on it says) and I MISS it? I don't like to miss anything.

So I entered a raffle to win a trip. And figured, well, if I need a passport ( which I ought to have anyways, by the way) I'd rush one of I won.

And then the cruise sold out.

What?
Sold out?
Wait, what?

You're telling me I can't go on even if I want to? I hate being told I can't. So, I got on the waitlist...and then I called and they said, no, you don't actually need a passport at all.

My resolve was crumbling...I think I really, really want to go.
Until I get a phone call that I was called off the waitlist...for a $1700 cabin.

Yeah, no thanks.

Or...a $1300 cabin.

Or...an even cheaper cabin. Including port charges.

Well, in that case...

I have just gone against everything I have ever said and booked this cruise (fully thanks to my awesome Mom that said, you know, go. Be happy.).

I am going on the New Kids on the Block cruise.

One more day...

I woke up this morning and the first thing I see everyday is the sky out the window.

It was gray, overcast, rainy.

And I felt the misery settle instantly over me for another day.

I tried in vain for 2 hours to go back to sleep, but finally gave up. I turned the movie back on, snuggled the dog, pictured my mind as a blank slate.

It helped a little.

It's 11am now though, and I feel a little bit better. I know in a day or two, I'll be fine. My hormones will rebalance. The fog will lift. I'll feel like me again.

In the meantime though, this sucks.

I wish I could turn my brain off, for just a little while.

I wish sometimes that I thought like everyone else...that some things are absurd or impossible, instead of feeling like anything is possible.

Not that it's a bad thing to feel like anything is possible, but it's overwhelming.

I'm always thinking of the next thing...


I'm tired.
I just want to not be a grown up for a little while.

A week too late, Silver Linings Playbook...

Last Friday night I contemplated ordering Silver Linings Playbook off the hotel tv.

I'd seen it before, but right when it came out...and I've been dying to see it again.

But, it was $14.99... And I preordered it already and knew I'd get it yesterday.
And it was 3:30am and I was exhausted.

I wish to fuck I'd have ordered it.

Because had I ordered it and watched it, I'd have gotten Robert DeNiro's pep talk about being in a moment and not letting it pass you by because it'll haunt you forever.

I'd have listened, and when the universe handed me a night full of moments, I'd have seized them so much better than I did.

Alas, I watched it last night and if I have to tattoo those fucking words onto my hand like a crib sheet,
I WILL NEVER FORGET THEM AGAIN.

Quit thinking, quit over thinking, quit being afraid of the outcome. You KNOW when you're swirling in serendipity...just embrace it. That's it.


Besides this...I'm also going to stop wishing I could do things that are actually going to make me happy in the long term...and DO them.

Starting with taking the steps to change my career.

My life is a series of extremes...extremely happy, extremely excited, extremely annoyed, extrememly let down.

I'm going to try to finally balance that shit out.

This kind of sucks...

I woke up in a funk today that I can't seem to snap out of.

One of those gloomy clouds seem to have settled right on top of me funks.

I don't know why,

Nothing is particularly wrong. In fact, they're pretty ok.

I'm just not ok. I knew it was starting yesterday when I pulled out Harry Potter.

Harry is kind of my depression go-to guy. We have an agreement. I lay in bed and drink Diet Coke while he fights Voldemort. And then we keep doing that for a couple of days until I feel better.

I haven't seen Harry in awhile. While I love his company, I can't really say I've missed him all that much.

I think it has a lot to do with my insomnia.
It has a little bit to do with Memphis getting older, and my fear of losing her, because really Memphis, at the end of the day, is all I have.
I think it has to do with having to work today, when I really needed a fucking weekend.

I don't know. I just hope that tomorrow, if Harry is around its because I want him there and not because I need him ;)

What. The. Fuck.

I'm in Boston. With 3 people I either hardly know, or don't know at all. I met a random stranger today on the street and had more in common with her.

I tried to warn these women how this weekend would go down. I tried to explain if you want something, it means waiting and preservance.

They don't understand why you can't halt filming to take pictures with fans.
They don't understand that watching Bale film is fucking epic itself.
They want to go to the aquarium tomorrow.

I can't handle it.

This will never happen again.

Ugh.

It's so easy to identify the worst thing in my life...

It's 7:15am on Thursday.

This is my day to sleep in. I don't have to be anywhere until 12:50. I am not a morning person. I turn the alarm off and wake up when I wake up.

INEVITABLY though, every single fucking day like this that I get to sleep in, my boss texts me with some absolutely inane shit.

Today it was, "What is the status of the recycle bins? We are the only house on the block that doesn't have new ones."

I can give you any number of reasons why you don't have any.  I can also tell you that I don't give a flying fuck what any of them are at 7 in the morning on my day off.

I do not hate being a nanny in general. I DO hate my particular job and that is the problem with being a nanny. The jobs all start fine until 3 years into it, I am more her personal assistant that the nanny...only without the pay I deserve.

Things I never thought I'd be saying...

I went on a zombie vacation.

I never imagined I'd have had any interest in such an adventure...but then, it never occurred to me that I liked comic books, superheroes, action movies, or capers either.

Like a good chunk of the rest of the world, I started watching The Walking Dead. I love it. It's not the zombies or the gore, or any of that. It's the emotions, the character development, the what the fuck would we do if this actually happened? You can't help but be drawn in, you can't help but sit on the edge of your seat.

And so when Jamie had a long weekend off and we threw around ideas for a post-Valentine's who-fucking-cares-if-we-are-single vacation...it seemed totally natural that rather than lounging on a beach, we'd road trip to Backwoods Nowhere, Georgia and find all the significant locations where TWD was filmed.

She armed us with a list of locations and vague directions and we set off.

We went to Woodbury (actually Senoia, GA). We drove past Hershel's farm. We found the arena and peered into windows of long abandoned, dilapidated structures. There were times when we drove for more than hour with seeing little more than trees and the random farm.

I wondered what people do out there when they run out of milk or decide to order Chinese. There is no 7-11 on every other corner. I mean, there aren't even corners.

That life is not for me. It was fun and interesting...for two days. By the end of the trip, I was more than ready to be back home where there are gas stations and convenience stores and Olive Gardens. I like the Olive Garden.

Still, it was fun.

It also gave us plenty of time to develop our zombie apocalypse contingency plan, which we did, in detail. I won't share that though, just in case ;)

Enlighten me...

Here's something I don't understand: celebrating the "anniversary" of something horrific.

As in, "The anniversary of my car accident is in 3 days!" or "The two year anniversary of my fall is coming up!"

An old friend of mine was in a pretty bad car accident several years ago. She got furious with me...and I mean furious...three or four years after it happened because I didn't remember the "anniversary" of it and acknowledge it with gifts and sympathy.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the ackowledgement I guess...like hey, I survived this. That's awesome. For you. For your life and healing process. But sometimes when I see things like that, it's almost as if that person is looking forward to it. Is it about attention?

My grandpa passed away when he was in his early 50's. My mom would sometimes say "My dad passed away 15 years ago (or whatever number) today." Of course she remembers that date, and we think of him...but I think we think of him all the time anyways. I know I do at least. I don't need to call it an anniversary because to me that's a celebratory occasion.

There are exceptions of course...like perhaps a divorce. Maybe because that might be the anniversary of getting your life back, being happy again, being in control again. That IS something to celebrate...but I bet if someone celebrating a divorce were to get married again, the date of the divorce wouldn't be so significant anymore. And if your divorce wasn't an occasion for relief, you aren't celebrating it anyways.

Maybe I'm being judgmental here...surprise, surprise, lol. But I've been in car accidents, had medical issues, had bad things happen. I remember feelings...I remember times of year maybe...but I can't remember much more than that. I guess that because in those instances, what I want most is to move on. I don't want to remember bad things. I'd rather celebrate happy things.

Musings...

Stewart just posted a Facebook status update.

It said "last night in el paso"... And no, El  Paso was not capitalized.

I can write all this on here because even though we dated for  over a year and he knew I had this blog, he never had the interest to ask to read it.

Last year at this time, I imagined that this year, right now, I'd be about to embark on a very different course than the one I am on. I thought we would be moving in together, getting ready to get married, maybe already with a baby on the way.

I cleaned my room the other day and found a journal I'd kept for him. One I had written in every day he was gone in the field so he would know I was thinking about him and what was going on with me.
When I gave it to him, he set it aside unopened. Jamie had the foresight to tell me to take it from him until I was sure he deserved it. I did and what I became sure of was that he didn't deserve it. I opened it for a moment and thought I might read it, to remember what I had been doing and feeling. Then I decided against it. It didn't really matter what I was feeling, because it was undeserved and unreciprocated. I threw it away, just like I threw my love away on him for over a year.  It didn't hurt, it just made me a little sad. I am worth so much more than being wasted.

So Stewart is leaving El Paso and he's supposedly moving to Tampa.

I am moving on with my life  proactively. I am travelling. I am doing the things I used to love and realize I still do. I am changing my career soon, I hope...and even where I live. It feels good, it feels right, it feels scary, it feels like a challenge, it feels like its time. I think.

I am excited. I wouldn't change anything that I've done since breaking up with him, or trade any of it to give it another chance. He was wrong for me, he wasted me, he used me, REPEATEDLY.

I don't want the life I thought we were going to have. I guess I probably never did...at least not with him.  I'm happier now than I was when I was with him...take better care of myself than he ever did of me.

Sometimes I wonder if he is sorry. I wonder if ever realizes what he had and what he so carelessly tossed aside. I wonder if he thinks he should have treated me better.  He probably doesn't. I'm not sure he has the capability.

I hope I have learned to be capable of letting go of things that aren't right a lot sooner...

Taking my own advice is never easy...

I told at least two of my friends this week the following line:

"Your feelings are valid. They are yours. You have a right to them. You don't control them and you don't need to apologize for them."

And by you don't control them I don't mean to let them control you... I mean that you don't control WHAT you feel. If something pisses you off, it does. It doesn't  matter how much you attempt to talk yourself out of it.

If you feel bad, it just makes you feel worse if you spend time berating yourself for feeling bad in the first place. Embrace it, figure out what or why, figure out what can be done to fix it. If nothing can be done, take a deep breath and admit that it's out of your hands. The only control you have over it is your outward reaction.

It's easy advice and it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? So why, WHY, do I find it so hard to accept myself?

Another day...

...another douchetool.

Moving on.

Next?

;)

Hello 2013

It's funny...this was maybe the best Christmas ever. I say it's funny because there was a lot of shit going on that should have made it suck.

My grandma is a pain in everyone's ass.
My dad's health is looming over everyone's heads.
My brother had surgery on New Year's Eve.
My life is, as usual, up in the air.

And yet, I chose to enjoy my family and the time I got to spend with them.

We went to the casino and I won what to me is a lot of money. That was awesome.
We got to spend Christmas Eve with my cousins after all, and had a wonderful time.
We spent a weekend with Rick and Molly and I painted Alix's nails, which was great fun for an aunt.
We ate a lot of great food, we got a lot of amazing presents. It's always overboard crazy chaos on Christmas morning, and I LOVE that. I got everything I could have possibly wanted and then some...and I think I for everyone everything they wanted too.
I spent a great girl's night with Tina where we tried to lay out some future plans.
I came home to great friends and a Christmas 2.0 celebration with them.

Like I said, my life is unsettled. I'm not where I want to be or doing what I want to do. But I'm working on all of that, and that's really all I can do.

I'm starting a new blog this weekend, which is going to chronicle a year's worth of adventures. I want to see how many people I can meet...how many places I can go...how many things will go amazingly right or totally wrong.

The adventure starts in honor of Tina's birthday. And really, in honor of both of us finding our place this year, or at least getting on the road to it. ;)