And, an update...
Listen, I have spent years- YEARS- making excuses for guys I have been in relationships with. Excuses that I believed with all my heart. Until, you know, it became clear that they were indeed just excuses and that I was wasting both my time and potential by continuing the relationship.
Maybe that has jaded me. Maybe that has made me shift so far in the other direction that I don't give anyone a proper chance. That being said, this guy I like...I think maybe Jamie was right when she said she thought he was a douchebag. Or, at least that's how I'm feeling.
Am I reading too much into things? Sure, probably (as usual) but I feel again as if I am the one putting in all the effort (also as usual) and I can't do that again. I can't allow myself to do that again.
I KNOW he's busy (aren't they always?) but you know if you have any interest in someone, you make time. Because you can always make time for things you want to make time for. It's a simple as that.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Hey Jane...Get me off this crazy thing...called love...
Well, there's this guy...
Isn't there always?
Anyway, there IS this guy. And I LIKE him. I have liked him for a long time. Years. But you know it was that kind of like that was "I would have a huge crush on you...if I wasn't already dating someone." Or "I have a huge crush on you, but you are already dating someone." The timing was shit every single time. But we've been friends all this time. Not besties by any means, but friends.
Last year, I thought the timing might be lining up. We went on what was sort of, maybe, kind of, maybe not, I don't have any clue...a date. And then we made plans to have dinner that were studded with him being out of town, and then me being out of town.. and time getting away from us, and me getting really sick, and him getting really sick, and then I was messing around with this other guy and months went by...and so here we are in June and I was just about to give up.
Last week, I posted something on fb that led to a flirt fest (it was...I clarified it with 3 people before I accepted that he was indeed flirting with me) and so I bit the bullet and sent him a message and asked if this dinner was happening or what. In my head, this was the last chance.
And he was into it. Apologetic about how life got away from us. Flirty. REALLY flirty...and then really honest. And I admitted to having liked him for a long time and the timing being horrible until now. And he admitted to the same thing...but now the timing was right, let's see.
But, he's out of town. And then I will be out of town.
And this was last Thursday and I kind of feel like if we just admitted that we liked each other, shouldn't like, maybe I have heard from you since last Thursday?
And so I'm in limbo again now but worse, because I LIKE HIM. Like, a lot. I'm just not sold on his feelings, no matter what he said the other night.
This is why I hate dating.
Isn't there always?
Anyway, there IS this guy. And I LIKE him. I have liked him for a long time. Years. But you know it was that kind of like that was "I would have a huge crush on you...if I wasn't already dating someone." Or "I have a huge crush on you, but you are already dating someone." The timing was shit every single time. But we've been friends all this time. Not besties by any means, but friends.
Last year, I thought the timing might be lining up. We went on what was sort of, maybe, kind of, maybe not, I don't have any clue...a date. And then we made plans to have dinner that were studded with him being out of town, and then me being out of town.. and time getting away from us, and me getting really sick, and him getting really sick, and then I was messing around with this other guy and months went by...and so here we are in June and I was just about to give up.
Last week, I posted something on fb that led to a flirt fest (it was...I clarified it with 3 people before I accepted that he was indeed flirting with me) and so I bit the bullet and sent him a message and asked if this dinner was happening or what. In my head, this was the last chance.
And he was into it. Apologetic about how life got away from us. Flirty. REALLY flirty...and then really honest. And I admitted to having liked him for a long time and the timing being horrible until now. And he admitted to the same thing...but now the timing was right, let's see.
But, he's out of town. And then I will be out of town.
And this was last Thursday and I kind of feel like if we just admitted that we liked each other, shouldn't like, maybe I have heard from you since last Thursday?
And so I'm in limbo again now but worse, because I LIKE HIM. Like, a lot. I'm just not sold on his feelings, no matter what he said the other night.
This is why I hate dating.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Post Cruise Thoughts...
So, I went on another New Kids on the Block cruise.
Last year I was a fucking convert. I sang the praises of this vacation to everyone that would listen. I wanted EVERYONE that I knew to come on it and have as much fun as I did. It was life changing last year. I know that sounds cliche, but it was. I felt like I was ok just the way I was. I felt like for the first time in my adult life (and this doesn't sound like a big deal but it is) that I could wear shorts and not feel self-conscious. I didn't walk off that boat feeling let down or depressed that my vacation was over. I walked off the boat feeling like I had just done the best thing for myself that I could have at the time. I did something JUST FOR ME. Something crazier than most of the other shit that I do on a daily basis. It was perfection.
And there was no doubt, absolutely no doubt, that this year I would again be on that boat.
I couldn't have been more excited.
But this year, the boat was different.
I can't say exactly what changed.
We left from a different port and the weather was balls the whole time. It was cold. It was overcast. It was windy. It was not the tropical vacation I signed up for.
The boat was different, the lido deck was different, and that made the parties not as great as last year. Because half the people couldn't see WTF was going on.
Donnie is engaged this year. And so he's different. In a hypocritical way. The oath didn't say to leave your husbands behind this year. And since it has said that for 5 years, it kind of makes you feel like it was ok when it was all of our relationships we were forgoing for 5 days, but now that it's HIS, it isn't. He didn't take his shirt off one fucking time. I mean listen, it's you SHIRT. Do you plan to wear your shirt to the beach? Shirtless dudes are not really all that uncommon. I don't begrudge his relationship. I do begrudge that my $2000 vacation included Jenny McCarthy's dad and sister twerking onstage. I do begrudge that it made some of us feel awkward. He said last year, for those few days, we all belong to each other. But we didn't this year. We watched Donnie and his babysitters. And it was WEIRD. I have always said there is the BlueBloods Donnie and the DDub Donnie. We got the BlueBloods Donnie this year. And it kind of sucked.
There were cameras ALL over the boat this year, filming for the reality show. Donnie promised they would not be in anyone's way. They were. And they were bullshit too. They cast my friend, a gay man, as a dude picking up chicks at a bar. Reality my ass. I get that you want to make as much money as you can, but not at the expense of my vacation.
There is more I could say, good and bad. But I've said enough. Last year, I had no post-cruise depression. This year, I do. This year, I feel like I didn't get what I paid for. I still had fun, don't get me wrong. I will still go again next year, I'm sure. But I hope there are some changes made. Because the more I begin to feel like simply a cash cow, the less inclined I'm going to be to fork over all my fucking money.
Last year I was a fucking convert. I sang the praises of this vacation to everyone that would listen. I wanted EVERYONE that I knew to come on it and have as much fun as I did. It was life changing last year. I know that sounds cliche, but it was. I felt like I was ok just the way I was. I felt like for the first time in my adult life (and this doesn't sound like a big deal but it is) that I could wear shorts and not feel self-conscious. I didn't walk off that boat feeling let down or depressed that my vacation was over. I walked off the boat feeling like I had just done the best thing for myself that I could have at the time. I did something JUST FOR ME. Something crazier than most of the other shit that I do on a daily basis. It was perfection.
And there was no doubt, absolutely no doubt, that this year I would again be on that boat.
I couldn't have been more excited.
But this year, the boat was different.
I can't say exactly what changed.
We left from a different port and the weather was balls the whole time. It was cold. It was overcast. It was windy. It was not the tropical vacation I signed up for.
The boat was different, the lido deck was different, and that made the parties not as great as last year. Because half the people couldn't see WTF was going on.
Donnie is engaged this year. And so he's different. In a hypocritical way. The oath didn't say to leave your husbands behind this year. And since it has said that for 5 years, it kind of makes you feel like it was ok when it was all of our relationships we were forgoing for 5 days, but now that it's HIS, it isn't. He didn't take his shirt off one fucking time. I mean listen, it's you SHIRT. Do you plan to wear your shirt to the beach? Shirtless dudes are not really all that uncommon. I don't begrudge his relationship. I do begrudge that my $2000 vacation included Jenny McCarthy's dad and sister twerking onstage. I do begrudge that it made some of us feel awkward. He said last year, for those few days, we all belong to each other. But we didn't this year. We watched Donnie and his babysitters. And it was WEIRD. I have always said there is the BlueBloods Donnie and the DDub Donnie. We got the BlueBloods Donnie this year. And it kind of sucked.
There were cameras ALL over the boat this year, filming for the reality show. Donnie promised they would not be in anyone's way. They were. And they were bullshit too. They cast my friend, a gay man, as a dude picking up chicks at a bar. Reality my ass. I get that you want to make as much money as you can, but not at the expense of my vacation.
There is more I could say, good and bad. But I've said enough. Last year, I had no post-cruise depression. This year, I do. This year, I feel like I didn't get what I paid for. I still had fun, don't get me wrong. I will still go again next year, I'm sure. But I hope there are some changes made. Because the more I begin to feel like simply a cash cow, the less inclined I'm going to be to fork over all my fucking money.
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