I went to Texas last weekend. I needed to see Stewart, to spend some time with him, to talk to him...away from all the craziness and drama that has surrounded things all summer. I wasn't sure what to expect, but in all honesty my expectations were not high.
Because you can't have overnight guests at the barracks, I always stay at the same hotel when I visit. Because my flight was coming in late, I booked it under his name and told him to check in and wait for me there. I can literally walk there from the airport in less than 5 minutes, and I figured he'd be tired. I was expecting him to take me up on that and to likely be asleep by the time I got there. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to find him waiting for me at the airport...he was tired, he was sick with a bad cold, but instead of going and waiting in a comfy bed, he met me. I also ate at the Dallas airport because again, I assumed he'd have eaten dinner without me. He didn't. He waited and took me to Applebee's. I was sort of astonished, and didn't admit to having already eaten. It was our 1 year anniversary too...and he said we'd celebrate during the weekend because it was so late.
And we did. We got ice cream, we had a nice dinner, he gave me a card sweeter than I would have assumed him capable of. But best of all, we talked more, about what some of the issues are/have been...and he listens to me, and is receptive, and really seems to be trying. While he's not perfect ( and neither am I, lol) he is making an effort, and really that's all I can ask.
I had a kind of secret bad attitude about the weekend, like maybe it was that John Mayer song, "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room". I'd look out the window of the car and think, this will be the last time I am ever in El Paso. But then I'd look at my boyfriend...and realize that that in spite of everything, I love him. In spite of everything, he loves me. In spite of everything, I would be broken hearted if this man were not in my life. He's maybe an idiot, but he's MY idiot...and those rare sweet things he unexpectedly says, or the way he just puts his arm out when we are next to each other and waits for me to snuggle in, or the way he shakes his head and says 'yep' when it gets close to time for me to leave and neither of us know what to say...I love those things.
I want to fix this. I want to continue to work on myself and in turn, work on the relationship we have built. Relationships are not easy, neat, or perfect. They are hard and messy sometimes. They will drive you crazy, as he often does, and I'm sure as I often do to him in turn. But what I have taken out of this is that faced with so many opportunities to walk away, I have decided to stay, because I WANT to. Faced with the idea that there truly are more possibilities out there than I ever let myself realize before, I still want him over and above any of that.
I know it's a journey before us...any relationship is. But if I'm committing to taking it together, and working on it together, and he is...and we are both committed to working on our own issues for the greater good of us together, than this is going to be ok.
I am not stupid. I am not blind. My dad broke his engagement to my mom on her birthday. They were apart for two years before getting back together. I don't know that I'd have given him another chance, but she did. And they have been happily married for going on 40 years. Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone is worth a second chance. But this idiot that I love is.
And that makes me feel better than I've felt all summer.
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