I love my boyfriend. I do. For so many reasons, both valid and probably not so valid. But, I do. And I never realized that you can be with someone, can love them, maybe be in love with them, but they are still wrong. That the demise of a relationship can be slow and quiet and sneak up on you, can happen without a fight or someone cheating...can just happen.
I'm not sure if that is where we are...I'm not sure of anything, except that maybe the continuation of the circle that leads back to this question should tell me something.
After my last trip to Texas, I was in a fighting mood. I love him and I was going to fight for this and make it work, because here's the thing...I know it COULD work. I know it would work, and that even as I type this, to him, it IS working. It's fine.
But the unfortunate reality is that I don't want fine. I never have. I want rainbows and hearts and unicorns and fireworks. And I don't mean that I want or expect a perfect relationship. That I don't understand that there will be problems and that we won't always agree on things. What I mean is that, I want him to make me feel like even during those not so great times, there's still no else he'd rather be with, rather fight with, rather make up with. I want to feel like in 40 years, he will say to our daughter "I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to your mom..." the way my dad has said that to me about mine. And I just don't know if he's that guy...if he even has that in him to express, or at worst, even feel. Sometimes I get a glimpse of who he is if he could open up, but that's all it is, a fleeting glimpse. He loves me, I know he does...but I want a love that burrows in and builds a home in our hearts that keeps expanding and growing. His love is there, but never seems to expand, never seems to grow, feels taken for granted sometimes, neglected sometimes. And that sad reality is, I know he can't really help that, it's who he is and how he was raised, and it's not bad, it's just different from me. Maybe too different.
So it leaves me contemplative and sad and unsettled.
And in conjunction with this, I have been having some very serious thoughts lately on the possibility of having a baby with a good friend of mine. That at this stage in the game, given the choice between him and my boyfriend, he is the better choice. He and I are more alike, share more common values, fit comfortably together into the same group of friends that not only love and accept us both, but seem to excitedly embrace the idea of us coparenting. In a way that is both good and bad, in my heart I know that given the choice, he is the right choice. I know that not everyone in my life, perhaps even my family...or his...will not be behind us. But even that doesn't scare me. We wouldn't need the acceptance of anyone that doesn't understand that we wanted a baby so much, had so much love to give. Neither of us can make a baby alone, and although either of us could technically raise one alone, wouldn't together be better? And wouldn't it help weed out anyone in our futures that weren't going to be worth our time anyways?
It leaves me at a crossroads heading in three directions. I can work on things with Stewart...wait till he is out of the army because really only then can I have a full view of our life together. I can continue to think about going this coparenting route with Cory. Or, I can move along a new road by myself and see what's down there.
I'm just not sure.
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