Does this make me a horrible person?

I'm supposed to be in this wedding.

I'm the MOH.

When I think about it, I am consumed with the burning hatred of a thousand suns.

I desperately...and I mean desperately, do not want to go.

My first reasons are maybe superficial, but nonetheless valid. Last year for her birthday I sent flowers and perfume. She asked me 75 times what I wanted...and then didn't even send a fucking card. That just pisses me off. I didn't need flowers and perfume, but for fucks sake, at least a card. And it is worse when you make a big deal about sending something and then never do.  What does that tell you about the one sidedness of our friendship?

Second, the wedding is 3 fucking days after my birthday. I don't WANT to spend my birthday making favors or any other last minute wedding bullshit. I'd like to spend it with tequila shots, an Avengers cake, and thinking about a trip I actually WANT to take. Her fiance's bday is 2 days after mine. And she just sent out a rehearsal dinner invite that says rehearsal dinner/ bday celebration. That pisses me the fuck off. Petty? Maybe. But it's just rude. It's MY fucking birthday too. This is the first one in about 14 years I've been allowed to actually enjoy...and this is fucking it up.

Third, it's bleeding me of money that I don't have...and even if I did, this is the last thing I want to spend it on. Because I know that my time and effort will never ever be reciprocated. I'm tired of doing one sided relationships, friends or otherwise.

Fourth, I just broke up with a douche tool that I thought I was going to marry. Do you think I have any desire whatsoever to go to a wedding right now? Especially one where, knowing her so well, she will miss no opportunity to make backhanded comments that are designed to look sweet and sincere and end up making me feel worse.

Fifth, she is bound and determined to take my life down into the Texas shitter with her by attempting to fix me up with every single redneck she knows. One even admitted to me that his objective, per her instructions, was to "get you to move to Texas." I do not wish to be the booby prize for every single guy there. I do not wish to move to Texas. I especially do not wish to sleep with anyone she fixes me up with because despite having known me for damn near 30 years, she STILL ignores my type to push guys on me that fit her agenda. That's fucked up and annoying.

I don't want to go. I DO NOT WANT TO GO. At all.

And I can't think of any good excuse or reason to get out of it except that I just plain don't want to be there and don't care.

At some point I have to take care of myself. Going to this shitshow is NOT the way to do that.