Musings...

Stewart just posted a Facebook status update.

It said "last night in el paso"... And no, El  Paso was not capitalized.

I can write all this on here because even though we dated for  over a year and he knew I had this blog, he never had the interest to ask to read it.

Last year at this time, I imagined that this year, right now, I'd be about to embark on a very different course than the one I am on. I thought we would be moving in together, getting ready to get married, maybe already with a baby on the way.

I cleaned my room the other day and found a journal I'd kept for him. One I had written in every day he was gone in the field so he would know I was thinking about him and what was going on with me.
When I gave it to him, he set it aside unopened. Jamie had the foresight to tell me to take it from him until I was sure he deserved it. I did and what I became sure of was that he didn't deserve it. I opened it for a moment and thought I might read it, to remember what I had been doing and feeling. Then I decided against it. It didn't really matter what I was feeling, because it was undeserved and unreciprocated. I threw it away, just like I threw my love away on him for over a year.  It didn't hurt, it just made me a little sad. I am worth so much more than being wasted.

So Stewart is leaving El Paso and he's supposedly moving to Tampa.

I am moving on with my life  proactively. I am travelling. I am doing the things I used to love and realize I still do. I am changing my career soon, I hope...and even where I live. It feels good, it feels right, it feels scary, it feels like a challenge, it feels like its time. I think.

I am excited. I wouldn't change anything that I've done since breaking up with him, or trade any of it to give it another chance. He was wrong for me, he wasted me, he used me, REPEATEDLY.

I don't want the life I thought we were going to have. I guess I probably never did...at least not with him.  I'm happier now than I was when I was with him...take better care of myself than he ever did of me.

Sometimes I wonder if he is sorry. I wonder if ever realizes what he had and what he so carelessly tossed aside. I wonder if he thinks he should have treated me better.  He probably doesn't. I'm not sure he has the capability.

I hope I have learned to be capable of letting go of things that aren't right a lot sooner...