Danger Danger

I am in the mood to make bad decisions. When I get in these moods, it doesn't end well. Like for instance, it's not 10am, and I am already eating ice cream. And while it has made me feel temporarily better, it is not going to fix the underlying problems.

Here's the thing, I don't ask for alot. I don't really ask for anything. Especially lately, alot of things I used to think I needed to be happy I have realized that I don't. But what this means is that when I do ask for something, I want it. I need it. I expect it. Damn it, I deserve it.

I'm a giver and I have always been a giver, probably to a fault. I expect if of myself and other people in my life have come to expect it of me. And that's ok. That's who I am and I have always been.

But right now, there is something I want...and I'm not getting it. And this is going to sound horrible, but when I don't get what I want, when it is so rare that I want anything...it makes me furious. It makes me crazy. It makes me wonder why the fuck I keep on giving and giving all the damn time. It makes my head spin in the wrong direction...makes me want to go and do things that I shouldn't do. Bad decisions.

Now, of course there are your run of the mill bad decisions...like the ice cream breakfast. And then there are those bad decisions that really mess up your life. I want to make some of those. And I have to watch myself very closely to make sure that I don't.

I don't know why my instinct is always to sabotage myself and my happiness when someone makes me mad, or upsets me, or hurts me. I don't know why I feel like I have to give so often and so freely and that I don't feel deserving of the expectation that people in my life will reciprocate.

And mostly, I don't know why nothing that happens in my life can ever be fucking normal. And yes, I KNOW that I spent the majority of my adult life purposely avoiding normal...and now that I want to embrace it, I feel like I'm being punished. Everything has started to fall into place so perfectly, but it's just not happening fast enough, and I don't have the patience to wait it out.