Post Cruise Thoughts...

So, I went on another New Kids on the Block cruise.
Last year I was a fucking convert. I sang the praises of this vacation to everyone that would listen. I wanted EVERYONE that I knew to come on it and have as much fun as I did.  It was life changing last year. I know that sounds cliche, but it was. I felt like I was ok just the way I was. I felt like for the first time in my adult life (and this doesn't sound like a big deal but it is) that I could wear shorts and not feel self-conscious. I didn't walk off that boat feeling let down or depressed that my vacation was over. I walked off the boat feeling like I had just done the best thing for myself that I could have at the time. I did something JUST FOR ME. Something crazier than most of the other shit that I do on a daily basis. It was perfection.

And there was no doubt, absolutely no doubt, that this year I would again be on that boat.
I couldn't have been more excited.

But this year, the boat was different.
I can't say exactly what changed.

We left from a different port and the weather was balls the whole time. It was cold. It was overcast. It was windy. It was not the tropical vacation I signed up for.

The boat was different, the lido deck was different, and that made the parties not as great as last year. Because half the people couldn't see WTF was going on.

Donnie is engaged this year.  And so he's different. In a hypocritical way. The oath didn't say to leave your husbands behind this year.  And since it has said that for 5 years, it kind of makes you feel like it was ok when it was all of our relationships we were forgoing for 5 days, but now that it's HIS, it isn't. He didn't take his shirt off one fucking time. I mean listen, it's you SHIRT.  Do you plan to wear your shirt to the beach? Shirtless dudes are not really all that uncommon. I don't begrudge his relationship. I do begrudge that my $2000 vacation included Jenny McCarthy's dad and sister twerking onstage. I do begrudge that it made some of us feel awkward. He said last year, for those few days, we all belong to each other.  But we didn't this year. We watched Donnie and his babysitters. And it was WEIRD. I have always said there is the BlueBloods Donnie and the DDub Donnie. We got the BlueBloods Donnie this year. And it kind of sucked.

There were cameras ALL over the boat this year, filming for the reality show. Donnie promised they would not be in anyone's way. They were. And they were bullshit too. They cast my friend, a gay man, as a dude picking up chicks at a bar. Reality my ass.  I get that you want to make as much money as you can, but not at the expense of my vacation.

There is more I could say, good and bad.  But I've said enough. Last year, I had no post-cruise depression. This year, I do. This year, I feel like I didn't get what I paid for. I still had fun, don't get me wrong. I will still go again next year, I'm sure. But I hope there are some changes made. Because the more I begin to feel like simply a cash cow, the less inclined I'm going to be to fork over all my fucking money.

I have this new friend with benefits.

And for the first time, that's really, truly all it is.

I like him well enough, but not so much that I want to like marry him and live happily ever after.

I used to be SO content with the FWB shit, but damn it...I'm just not right now.

He asked me to come over last night...I didn't.

He asked me to come over tonight...I'm not going to.

I'm just not feeling it. It doesn't feel worth it. And that's weird to me, because I feel like I should want to.

I don't know. I don't even know what the point of saying any of this was, lol...except that it just isn't like me.

I have a lot of fun.
I do a lot of crazy, amazing stuff.

I'm happy, mostly.

When you don't feel like anything is missing, you don't know to miss it, right?

But every now and then something creeps in and surprises you. Something you thought was never a possibility anyway and it upsets the balance.

My Best Friend's Wedding

My best friend got married this past weekend.

And I had an absolute blast at this wedding with my actual family, with people I consider my family, and with my friends.

Ten years ago Whitney would not have had fun at all. Ten years ago Whitney would have been upset over the people there that didn't like her, would have been self-conscious, would have been cowering and looking for an escape.

But I only just felt sorry for those people now, because being purposely and pointlessly nasty to other people only means that there is something broken in YOU, not in ME.

I hope they had fun too. I hope they were able to stop being catty long enough to notice the people there that loved them too. I hope one day they can be happy enough with their own lives that it's no longer a priority to try to belittle other people in order to feel worth and validity. I hope that eventually they will realize that kindness breeds kindness and that it goes SO much further than being mean.

My best friend is, without a doubt, the very kindest person I have ever met in my life. He is a prize. He will give his wife the stars if she asks, but I hope she doesn't. I hope she knows that she does not need the stars because she has the very best husband she could have been blessed enough to marry.

<3

Some things are better left in the past.

Like Nsync.

People are going apeshit ALL OVER my facebook and twitter.  Sending me fucking messages and texts.

"Are you excited?"
"Did you hear?"
"OMG OMG OMG"

It has clearly helped me to come to two very important realizations.

#1- who my real, honest, true, understanding, & intelligent friends are.
Did you send me a meme making fun of Nsync or more specifically a certain member? Then you are one of those friends. Did you not even acknowledge this stupidity? Yep, one of those friends.

If you called me or texted me or messaged me with one of the three above quotes, you suck.


#2- people clearly feel that any relationship you may have had with someone who is or was in the public eye is not subject to the same rules as any other.  If I saw that you ex just got a promotion, or I ran into him at the airport on his way to a first class trip around the world, do you want me to call you or text you and gush about it? "OMG He's flying first class to Fiji! And staying in one of those hotels over the water with a glass floor!" No, you don't, because you don't care.


Now the real truth is, I don't care. I haven't cared in a really long time. I love him. I'm not in love with him. I wish him well. Mostly, lol. That being said, I still don't wish to have him rammed down my throat the way it's been for the last 7 fucking days. I really, really, REALLY hope this is a one time thing. Because otherwise, I'm going to have to quit about 20 of my friends and shun the internet.

Here we go again...

You know, this summer was fucking amazing. I mean that. I was the best summer I have ever had in my life on every level. If I could live the rest of my life like the last three months, I would be happy forever.

But, obviously, real life doesn't work that way.

I went back to work after almost a month off. It's fine. It isn't good; it isn't bad. It just is.  I think I was hoping that after some time off and some fun and clearing my head, that I would go back there and love being a nanny again.  I don't.  I was hoping that I would be content and that I would not instantly be longing to do something-ANYTHING-besides what I am doing.

A week ago I thought I was even happy and content here, in Florida, with my friends and my life...but you know, that's just a facade too.

It's funny when you make the decision to start removing people from your life. It's almost dangerous. Because as hard as it is to make that first move, to rid yourself of people that are no good for you...once you make it, it's SO liberating. It feels SO good to not have to deal with drama and worry and stupidity. It almost feels SO good that you wonder about everyone in your life. You wonder how many strikes are enough to say enough. One? Ten? When does self-preservation become something else...something darker? When you start to feel let down by people you trust and then you get to the point that you have to question trusting anybody.

Never, ever, in a million years...

Five New Kids on the Block cruises.

Well, 4 previous and then this years's, which leaves next Saturday from Miami.

I have made fun of that damn boat for the last 4 years...ever since the first one when Heather and I contemplated going u tip we saw that it was 3 days long and about $3 grand.

Do I look like I'm paying 3 grand to be on a boat full of snarky women vying for Donnie Wahlberg's attention?

Hell fucking no.


And then...this year happened. This year where I've started to mentally compile a bucket list. This year where I started to stop trying to be someone I'm not and embrace my quirks.

This year, where Jon Knight tweeted that this was likely going to be the last NKOTB cruise.

What?
The last?
Wait, what?

And that was all it took for my wheels to start...slowly. What if it WAS the last? What if I regret never going on it? What it's the most amazing thing ever (like everyone who has ever been on it says) and I MISS it? I don't like to miss anything.

So I entered a raffle to win a trip. And figured, well, if I need a passport ( which I ought to have anyways, by the way) I'd rush one of I won.

And then the cruise sold out.

What?
Sold out?
Wait, what?

You're telling me I can't go on even if I want to? I hate being told I can't. So, I got on the waitlist...and then I called and they said, no, you don't actually need a passport at all.

My resolve was crumbling...I think I really, really want to go.
Until I get a phone call that I was called off the waitlist...for a $1700 cabin.

Yeah, no thanks.

Or...a $1300 cabin.

Or...an even cheaper cabin. Including port charges.

Well, in that case...

I have just gone against everything I have ever said and booked this cruise (fully thanks to my awesome Mom that said, you know, go. Be happy.).

I am going on the New Kids on the Block cruise.