19 years ago today: Mom, bro, Aunt Sybil, my friend and I were on a road trip...3 kids and 2 indulgent adults that were along for the ride of making one of our giddy kiddie dreams come true. Because that's who my family is...my parents, my aunts, my cousins...I know that these are the people I can count on, the people that will do anything for each other, and have.
Maybe that's part of the reason I have been feeling so, so bad. Aunt Sybil has been gone a year...and I miss her. And I'm mad at her. And I know that that's unfair and irrational, but I wasn't ready for her to die. None of us were. My mom needs her. Her sister needs her. My cousins need her. I need her.
Some of you know that right after she died, I read a story about angels and feathers...and how when a loved one dies, and they want to send you a sign, sometimes you'll find a feather and know it was from them. I latched onto that, and I have been collecting these damn feathers all year. Sometimes I take a picture of it and leave it as a sign for someone else. Sometimes, I tuck it in my purse and know she is trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright. At least, I thought she was. Now, I just don't know what I think or believe.
Today feels like a full circle. She was with me to begin something, and I guess maybe with me to end something. I felt like she was watching over me and smiling and I NEEDED to feel that, because it made everything in my life that didn't make sense make sense. She could solve any problem. Or maybe she just listened and it made it feel that way. I don't know.
What I do know is that I am driving everyone crazy...or I feel like I am. I know I can call my mom...but who does my mom call?
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