So this is Christmas...

I spent the evening at the Christmas show that Jamie wrote...which by the way, was fantastic...and I am not just saying that because I dearly love Jamie. I am saying it because I really, really enjoyed myself, and damn it...like the ghosts of Christmases past, present, and future were right there with me, I learned something.

Watching the 1000 or so people file in, all dressed in sparkly Christmas outfits and listening to a couple hours worth of carols, and I found myself wondering again, "What the fuck, Whitney? Ho ho ho...how come you aren't hanging stockings by the chimney with care and all that?"

And, really, why? I mean, I am definitely in a way better mood than I was a week or so ago. Things are coming together as much as they can at the moment. So how come I'm not feeling more holiday spirit?

First, I thought that maybe it's because it's so amazingly just HOT outside. I mean, yes, I know this is Florida. I like the hot weather. But you know, it's December...65 would be acceptable. But 80? Repeatedly? I'm wearing my boots and my sweaters...I have the Christmas station on Sirius radio...but I'm sweating and feeling like it should be Calypso music. But no, that isn't it.

Then I thought maybe it's the stress of moving...I've got a bare tree in my living room that my roommate put up for no apparent reason. It has no lights, no ornaments, and it won't either, because I'm leaving shortly and there is no point to be bothered with it all by myself. There are no presents, no stockings...and that makes me sad, because I love Christmas decorations too. But that isn't it either. That, I think, is more a symptom than a cause. Because, usually, none of the aforementioned reasons would have stopped me from decorating the shit out of this place anyway.

But tonight, listening to the story, and how Christmas IS about presents, but not in the way that we think...not material things, but the gift of time, and love, and friendship, and peace...and it hit me. The problem with Christmas is that my EXPECTATIONS of it are so high, and there is so much going on this year besides, that I just don't have the patience, time, or stamina to try to make it live up to what I want it to be. And so I just haven't even really tried.

I love traditions. I love doing the same special things every year. But this year, while I have more special people in my life than I have in years past...new friends, a new boyfriend...I feel amazingly alone here in this sad lonely apartment. I know this is soon to change, but not soon enough. My family is not coming down here and by the time I get up to Michigan, it's almost Christmas. I have shopped alone, wrapped alone, watched cheesy movies alone, even gone to Disney alone.

I love presents, getting them, sure...but more, I love giving them. I also like to outdo myself with amazing gifts for people I love, and this year, well, I had no outlandish ideas. Nothing spectacular I could either think of or afford to do for anyone that would be awesome. And that makes me feel as though I have failed at something that I have come to be famous (or maybe infamous) for. No one wanted anything, no one needed anything, there was no new technological thing that everyone needed or wanted. I'm pretty sure the only person that really wanted anything big and spectacular and amazing is me...and I'm also pretty sure I'm not going to get it yet, lol...which is ok too. In time, it will come.

And, I am worried about intertwining Christmas. We celebrate on Christmas Eve...Stewart's family does too. Can we get to my cousin's and his parent's and spend enough time at each that no one feels screwed or rushed? Can I find a way to let it be both of our responsibilities to figure that out...and not take that on myself to orchestrate correctly, therefore adding even more stress to my already over stressed life?

So, I realize that the issue is that Christmas is, for me, all about expectations that cannot possibly be met within a span of 48 hours that encompasses Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I spend too damn much time worrying about making sure that everyone gets an insane amout of presents ( myself included, if I'm being honest)...too damn much time worrying that I will get fat if my mom uses regular sausage in the strata ( a meal which I eat ONCE a year, which will clearly neither make me fat or kill me to eat)...too damn much time worrying about forgetting to watch Nation Lampoon's Christmas Vacation like we do every year...too damn much time worrying about shit that really truly DOES NOT MATTER.

What matters is that I am blessed with two parents that love me unconditionally and still, 35 years later, strive to make sure I not only have amazing Christmases, but as amazing of a life as they can help me to have. What matters is that I have job and a roof over my head, and that my brother and my parents do to...and that we have food on the table every day, and the ability to be able to see each other, despite the distance that separates us, several times a year. What matters is that I have wonderful friends that care about me and bring so much joy and fun to my life...and who are there for me when the chips are down. What matters is that I have, finally, FINALLY, found happiness with a wonderful man that makes me laugh every single day...makes me feel beautiful...and is not going to be in Iraq or Afganistan this Christmas. We are all healthy enough, and happy enough...and really, at the end of the day, that is ALL THAT MATTERS.

So what I am going to try to do now is step away from all the expectations that surround my holiday. I am going to enjoy the company of my friends and family. I am going to laugh uncontrollably several times in the next few weeks. I am going to be grateful for what we have been able to afford to put under the tree and I am going to say a prayer of thanks that I have never experienced a Christmas without food, or gifts, or love. I am going to enjoy every moment I have with Stewart and not worry too much about the day that he has to go back to Texas and me to Florida. There is time to worry about that later. I am going to enjoy this Christmas like no Christmas before. At least, that is my plan.