The last few days have been awful...horrible...crazy. And I learned something about myself. I often do not think before I act. I get caught up in whatever drama is inevitably ensuing, and that does not always lead to the best choices. It is hard for me not to be like this, because my instinct is to fix whatever is broken, and fix it immediately, which may not always be practical or possible. Sometimes you need to wait things out. Sometimes you need to let things sink in to really understand how you feel. Sometimes you have to stop and remember that no one else is actually you...and therefore will not act or react the same way you will in a given situation. The journey of figuring out who you are at 35 is a rocky road. Spending the years of your twenties being something and someone that you are not kind of leaves you adrift in the sea of adulthood. You never move past that game of pretend, so it's a rude awakening when it becomes apparent that life is no longer pretend. Choices matter. Feelings matter. People matter. And most importantly, I fucking matter. I have spent many many years putting myself last for whatever reason or whatever person that happened to present itself. I realize that it is unhealthy to do that all the time, but it is an amazingly hard habit to get out of. I want everyone to love me...and it's hard for me to accept that some will and some won't...just because of who I am, and not what I can or can't do for you. I buy love. I buy friendship. I don't feel like I am worthy by myself, so I have to sweeten the deal. I will buy dinner. I will pay for drinks. I will cover this vacation...if you will only spend time with me. I don't know why I feel this way. During this no good week, it has come to my attention that finally I a, surrounded by people that love me because they just do...people that don't have to, but want to. People that I have done nothing for, but to be a friend back. It is refreshing, and amazing, and a little overwhelming. I am told these are e kinds of friends I deserve, these are the normal kind of friends. I have had so few of these. But I am happy to have them now. I am learning, slowly...that things can change.